So you got angry again? THAT is the problem. You have to stop getting angry. Do you have the book Lovebusters yet?

No, I never got angry. I never said a word, I just left.

Not true

I would refrain from posting on your husband's thread and responding to his posts.

If you have something to talk about from your perspective, it would be best to handle it in your own thread and posters can help you approach the situation from your side of the street.

I never got angry, this morning when I mentioned the jacket I just got up and left when I felt an argument was beginning. When I came home I tried talking asking why she was upset. I left again once I felt an argument begining, I asked as I walked out of the room "why do you insist on lying?" Maybe she doesn't remember the jacket like I do, I don't know. I'm finished with arguments, it gets us nowhere. She's gone now, she left to go stay elsewhere? I suppose I will just let my "imagination" figure out where. Nothing I can do but keep pressing on with my own life I guess.

If you feel an argument coming, don't just walk out as that is very frustrating to your spouse. I used to do that and it was a huge lb for my wife. But do say something to the effect of "this conversation is not safe for me where it is going" and change the conversation. Revisit it when things are feeling better.

This is a rather angry and disrespectful rant (towards your wife).

Your statement "Why do you insist on lying" is a Disrespectful Jugement, and easily seen by anyone BUT you as an angry outburst.

You follow?

Truth silences the liar so to speak. When she lies, just speak the truth. If she continues to say the lie then just move on since you aren't going to change her mind on it. eventually she will change that. If you ask her to get rid of jacket and she won't then she is not trying very hard. If she claims it was never worn with him, just tell her it still is a trigger for you. Don't give DJ.

Expect her to lie, that way when she does it won't surprise you and won't make you as angry. Like I said, my wife lied about stupid, small things after coming out and telling me she had an affair and I may not have been involved in her pregnancy. It makes no sense, that you would admit to murder then lie about stealing a candy bar, but that's what happens.

As you recover she WILL come to a point where she will stop lying, you just have to get there. You won't get there this way. You have to be the man she WANTS to be with. If all of your conversations are like this she won't WANT to be with you. If she doesn't want to be with you then what motivation does she have to tell the truth?

If you WANT her in your home then you need to start acting like it.

Why is everyone saying that my anger is doing this? I haven't gotten angry all day. I called the cops because my wife said she would and have me removed. I called to show that that does not scare me and yes they came. Nothing happened I told them that I do not want her to go. In fact the one cop that talked to my wife in private talked to me afterwards and made me feel much better, the lady Cop told me that she really does think that my w is trying very hard, that I should begin to start trusting her again and that she is confident that my wife is telling the truth. I think these cops coming was one of the best things that has happened over the past few days because I feel much better, kind of like having a therapist talk to me really. I feel better but my W is quite upset and does not feel like talking to me, I am just going to watch a movie with my little girl then I'm going to bed to cuddle up to my wife. I have not made any threats, I just followed through on hers.

What set off the cops coming was my W came into the room and demanded that we talk about the A right now and never talk again. I told her that I don't even know what I need to know yet. She did not like that, she said she would like me to leave the apartment for the night, I said that was not going to happen. She said she would call the cops and have me removed so I called them myself. I was not removed, We are both here where we should be.

Like I said I used to walk away from my wife when I thought she was being unreasonable. I would just leave without saying anything. This would make her SO FURIOUS that she would throw things at me. So obviously doing that was not the right thing for me to do.

Ultimately we were not there and are commenting based on the posts you both have made. We may be too free with our assumptions sometimes.

But you can't control her, just yourself. I think that walking away instead of blowing up is better. But walking away isn't good. Redirecting is better.

Anger isn't just an emotion; it's an action. It's a reaction.

You calling the police due to her threat is a posturing manuver - it is an angry reaction.

Even being annoyed can lead one to angry action.



Walking away silently, without telling your spouse what you are doing and where you are going is an angry reaction.


"This conversation no longer feels safe. I am going to go for a short drive and will return in 30 minutes."


One reason your wife may get upset with you walking away, is an established history of her complaints never getting addressed.

She wants to argue because she wants her complaints to be heard.

This is, of course, a foolish and abusive tactic to get one's needs met.

However, you need to be able to address her complaints, as she needs to be able to address yours. If either of you cannot do so without emotional outbursts - angry or otherwise - it will be impossible to properly negotiate in your marriage.


Does that make sense?

No, walking away is the proper response when someone is having an angry outburst.


"This conversation no longer feels safe."

HHH, I agree; I'm saying that it is better to walk away then drag your wife out of the house. But walking away MUST come with you telling her why you are or she is left frustrated and angry.

Your right!

I must sacrifice my self and my own happiness for the good of my own daughter. I must ensure that my daughter is cared for at all costs, so I may be left with one choice. I love my wife dearly but I just don't feel it being returned and my little girl is standing by waiting for us.

Of course the love isn't being returned yet. You are just STARTING.

Are you willing to put in the effort to restore this marriage?

If not, divorce her now.
If so, get to work and allow it TIME to work.

Either way, the AOs MUST STOP.

Of course we always must sacrifice for our children, but us telling you to control AO and work on better conflict resolution is not telling you to sacrifice happiness unless having AO and making your wife angry make you happy.

100% normal. My FWW had a 9mo EA/PA followed by a 9mo FR.

Yes you can R. It will be the most difficuly endeavor of your life. I can say though at 1.5yrs into R, our M (notwithstanding the A) has ever been better.

Expect to have highs, lows and everything in between..sometimes all of the above within a 5 minute period.

MB saved my M.

edit: expect 2-5 years to completly R your M. I can see this is true..being 1.5yrs in. We have a long way to go but have made tremendous progress so far.

UA time is the key.