If your spouse were to understand how deeply he hurt you and you both worked through everything then venting wouldn't be wise. But he doesn't understand and I don't think he ever will.

Atlanta. You need to stop second guessing yourself.

Your list of conditions are necessary and very reasonable. He is not even willing to stop seeing his ex-wife/OW!!!!! NO, this is not resentment you should be controlling. This is you protecting yourself.

The only time your H may have a point is under these conditions:

- He is willing and does the precautions necessary to affair proof your marriage.
-He stops seeing the OW forever.
- He has answered all affair questions.
- He is willing to follow a plan to restore love to the marriage.
-No opposite sex friendships.

If he did all the above, and you still talked the affair to death, then he would have a valid point.

Right now, he does not. All he wants to do is the minimum required to get his [censored] back in the door.

If you value yourself that little Atlanta, take the crumbs.

yes

Atlanta,

Does "yes" mean you know you deserve better than crumbs?

Have you read MyJourney's thread? You should.

Yes to what?

Please don't tell me you value yourself that little. I don't even know you and I value you simply as a kind and hurt human being.

I understand how hard this is. You have a very manipulative husband that is trying to convince you that you should take the crumbs, and that the crumbs are reasonable. It's BS and you know it.

When I was in your shoes, I thought for sure one day something would break in my ex and he'd "get it". During those 4 miserable years after dday, he never did. He never did, still hasn't, never will.

Move onto to something better Atlanta. I could throw a rock in any direction and find a better man than my wayward ex, or your wayward H.

No you are not confused. You are an intelligent woman. You know he doesn't care. And you know you can't make him care.

I get confused listening to him talk.

Yes, I know I deserve the best.

He is telling me he doesn't have it in him because he is so worn out. He only has it in him to put a lid on the past and move forward doing it all better now. So essentially he says YES to MB principals but the past is NEVER to be talked about anymore because it can't be changed. And he will only DO what I ask when he is sure HE won't get me talking at him about it. Basically I am to be quiet about it and when he decided I have proven myself THEN he will do as asked ( as long as it doesn't involved blaming him or talking about the past).

He is refusing now because he is afraid of me talking about the past and blaming him. He is so afraid of it that he immediately goes into massive drama to stop it and the past never gets talked about anyway. I am starting to think eff him.

I am pretty frustrated and hurting. He says he is there for me when I feel bad, but he says I come in too upset and he can't do anything. And he feels it is just tearing him down to have to listen and he isn't going to let me do that to him.

So I won't. I am feeling a little bitter at this point, pardon me.

So what do I do except go away. So I am.

I'm glad you know you deserve better than the treatment he is giving you.

He doesn't get to rip your heart out and then refuse to talk about it, if he hasn't answered all of your questions. Eff him is right.

specifically he says I am dumping my emotions on him and he doesn't want to deal with them.

Same thing as him telling you that he DOESN'T CARE about your pain, just his.

Is this the kind of person you really want to spend the rest of your life with?

Or do you want the kind of person who will happily, and humbly, accept your conditions and be grateful that you are even giving him the opportunity?

You know which one is going to make you happy and healthy. Your H isn't it.

Atlanta, you will feel 1000% better if you just shut that door. Shut the door and don't look back. There is nothing but pain, misery and abuse through that door.

Well I said the same thing to him. That he doesn't care.
He insists he does, but what do I expect him to do about it when he can't change the past. I said have some empathy, tell me he knows I feel bad (kindly!) and that he is working to be sure it won't happen again.

He says then that doesn't work because the effect is temporary. I need to hear it again a week later because I remember what he did and IS doing. So he is getting angry and upset and full of despair because I "just want to vent,attack, blame, and live in the past." So he is then done with me, his efforts are not working because I am so stuck on wanting to mess his head up by haranguing him or something.

I don't agree that is what is actually happening, I am just repeating what he is saying, hoping someone may see something I don't. Probably Melodylane is right: he just doesn't care.

I can say I am a ditch digger but it is not true unless I actually dig ditches. The truth is backed up by actions and we can see with your husband's actions that he doesn't care.

You know he doesn't care.

He will never meet the necessary conditions for recovery, ie: give you the full truth about his affairs, pass a polygraph, end all contact for life with his OW. You know he will do none of that.

He doesn't care. He doesn't care. He doesn't care. He doesn't care.

Since he doesn't care, you can be assured that your future with him will be just as bad as the past.

Do you want more of the same?

Meaning, he doesn't care.

He's not happiness material. Just misery material.

After having been through the divorce process, I can tell you that you even before the divorce is finalized, you won't be "confused" anymore. AS LONG AS you stay in plan B and are not poisoned with his toxic attitude. The confusion leaves you when the crazy-maker is gone.

I don't want more of the same.

He has made your life a holy unmitigated hell. And promises more of the same if you stick around.

If he were not around, you would be free to find a relationship with someone who could make you happy. You can't do that as long as you have this anchor chained to your ankle.

Can you imagine being with a man that you loved even more who made you happy? You can have that.

Welcome to your future if you stick around. It is hard to end a marriage, but it is much harder to live a life where you are tormented and abused.

He is the ticket to misery where you will be sharing him with his XW mistress and his children. You will get second billing to all that.

This man will not make you happy. He will drive you into the nuthouse.

We could have been married to the same man. Our situation played out exactly the same.

I would ask a reasonable affair question. He would lie. I would know it was a lie and dig deeper. He would argue, blameshift, distract. We got nowhere. I would ask again after things calmed down a week, or two later. Same thing, but the story would change. I would maybe get a truth, be upset more than usual over dealing with the emotions that come with finding out one speck of truth that took too much heartache to get out. When I would be hurt over the truth, or the lie, or the the teeth pulling, I received NO empathy, unless i was so manipulated into believing it was all an overreaction that I caved, cried in a corner, and maybe, maybe I got a hug.

It was a cycle that repeated itself over, and over, and over again!!!!

He is running you in circles!!! He is a CRAZY-MAKER.

He is an abuser and he has made you sick. Sick people stay in abusive relationships.