Yes, that is completely normal to feel like that! You will go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. The first 4 will be pretty tough in the beginning. Big swings in emotion.

You are grieving, you are mourning what is lost and you want it back. Completely normal and completely acceptable. Really feel it, express it. Over the next days/months all these emotions will come back and forth. First intense, and then slowly less deep, less raw.

There is no need to 'accept' it right now, but eventually you will.

You can't control your xWW. Perhaps she come out of the fog, perhaps not. But if she comes back half heartedly and you built a crappy marriage, you'll go down the drain.

In the mean time, work on you, become the absolute best father your girls could imagine having! Focus on that, take parenting classes etc etc.

I may have a problem accepting it. Every time I have my girls, then take them back it leaves a huge gaping hole. I can't imagine that getting any better. It happens every time, and it has been going on a year. I'll be pushing daisies before I go through all those phases.

Of course it leave a huge gaping hole! Work on maximizing the quality of your time with your girls. Take cooking classes, do art work, even if you can only make sticks. My girls are currently really into doing combo-animals and drawing them (i.e. the zebra-poodle=zebradoodle).

Realize that for your girls you need to be emotionally available and a good father, that is what they need! Forget about 'accepting' just now, that will come. Of course you can't imagine it, the wounds are so raw. You are grieving. About a year out, I sat on the porch overlooking the yard and even though my life was turning absolutely the right direction, I became sad, but it wasn't of the same intensity as it was a year prior. And now? Don't care about the marriage, I would never go back. I'm ready to built a new life. Did I think I was going to be here back then, nope, so you will get better!

But your girls are grieving too! Focus on transitioning them as well. Focus on building a great relationship with them! Help them heal.

Excellent advice Pine.

Be the best dad you can be. Make it all about you and the kids.

I thought I was here to learn how to restore my marriage. I keep hearing about how the wayward wife will emerge from the fog and realize that she made a mistake and how things will turn around. Has that all been nonsense?

Nope.
It isn't nonsense.

You can not count on her in your future though.

Marriage Builders is the best chance to recover a good marriage but it isn't a guarantee.

The only guarantee is that if you follow it, eventually you, yourself, will be recovered.

Takes time. Oodles of it.

I regret getting married. You said that I can't count on her to be in my future, and it made me realize that I have never been able to count on anyone. Everyone in my life has always let me down. I'm not perfect and I'm sure that I've let people down here and there, but certainly not everyone all the time. My faith in humanity is pretty much gone.

Hello Blind,

I'm just catching up on your thread, and I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Your divorce went through fast, but when I was at the stage you are now, I too refused to "accept" the dissolution of my marriage. I went to a priest for confession as I was guilt ridden over the things I did to cause my wife to lose her love for me and abandon the family. The priest was very helpful in helping me to see that while it is ok to grieve the loss, I would have to come to an acceptance and not be burdened by guilt or things I cannot control. He told me to choose life basically.

Regardless of the outcome of your relationship with your Ex Wife, you have make life-giving choices for your child and for you. Getting a new job is a terrific first step. Congratulations.

Don't give up hope, but don't depend on expectations. You can't control your ex-wife but you can follow Dr. Harley's program and take what you learn to become a better husband in the future, whether it is in reconciliation with your Ex Wife or with someone else. The important thing is take care of yourself and your child.

I am the one you referred to earlier in this thread. Like you, I thought that my wife was gone and would never come back. Seems like a miracle to both of us. We have restored the love we once had and things are better than ever. The point is, one never knows what can happen.

Since my wife has come back, I've had people ask me how we were able to reconcile. Those who ask are people associated with my job, and they are folks who are suffering through marriage crises. I work in an environment where there are a lot of families. I am not in a position to give them advice because of my position at work, but I always refer them to Dr. Harley's books and to this Web site.

As many here have said, recovery from divorce is a process, and it takes a lot of time. Regardless of the outcome, if you follow through on the Marriage Builders plan, you will come out stronger and better.

Best to you!

I was encouraged by your story, especially since I needed a boost that day. You were fortunate to have intervened early on in your wife's affair. I wasn't as fortunate, and stood by and hoped for some kind of miracle when I knew full well that she was cheating on me and there was no way I could prove it. I did nothing, thinking that all I needed to do was to get a good job and she'll start treating me better, we just have to get through this recession and the business will turn around, etc. Weeks turned to months. It was always something that I was waiting for. I was not proactive at all. In fact, when I did decide to be proactive, she shut me down at every opportunity. She changed the locks on the house, threatened to call the police when I refused to leave my own house, she filed for divorce, got a restraining order - all to thwart ANY attempts at reconciliation.

So here I am, still waiting for some kind of miracle. I'm the biggest idiot.

No you are not an idiot. But we can not change the past. We can built a future. You don't know what is going to happen. You can not control another person, but you have full control over the success of your life. And it starts with you.

Keep talking to us. Your feelings are valid, you are grieving, we're here to listen. And then make a plan to get your life back on track!

Regretting your marriage..... nope, don't do that. At worst, it was a learning experience. Faults have been made, improvements can come, you can become the better you.

You can recover. Who knows what happens with xWW, but you will become a catch for any lady that is out there.

Felling of helplessness tonight, and a bit of anger because of it. My 4 year old is at the mercy of her mother, fighting something - probably strep throat again - with a 106 degree fever. And what can I do? Not a damn thing.

106 warrants a docters visit and you can be there. So be the father you can be, and be at her dr's appointment

Yes that's dangerously high. You should be there I haven't been following your story there isn't a restraining order is there?

The restraining order is in place until she has it removed, as far as I know. Yes, I should have been there, but I am not going to risk it. My daughter has a history of high fevers, and I had the same issue as a small child.

I offered, but she was on her way out the door. I expected her to wait until morning but she did the smart thing and took her immediately. I offered to watch the little one but the route she was taking didn't come by my location.

This morning when she dropped our daughter off, I came out and asked her a question, which I never do. Usually we void each other. I am going to ease into Plan A a little bit.

I don't know. people. She asked me if I would take the girls overnight this weekend and of course I agreed, like I always do whenever she asks me a favor. I put the girls' bags in her car when I dropped them off just now and noticed a bottle of wine or vodka (could be either) on her front seat. Looks like the heavy drinking is still going strong. Not sure if I mentioned it before, but she took up drinking about a year and a half ago since her enabler friend is a party girl, and the OM drinks a lot. Not that we never drank, but it was rare, and I can tell you that she has gone through more vodka in the past 18 months than I have in my entire life.

On another note, she read-ended a truck with her fairly new car last week. Messed the front up pretty good. My 4-year-old told me that the 'police checked her neck because she hurt it'. I am betting that she was texting and hit the guy. I'm sure she got at least one ticket out of it to go with her speeding ticket from a few months ago. Living fast, baby. I wonder what will happen next.

It sounds like the karma bus is coming behind her.

Did you document everything? I think with all her continued contact to you that you should be able to show enough cause to have that RO dropped.

I'm just cooling my heels for the time being, being Mr. Nice guy. Her behavior toward me is still very resentful. She is rid of me and got everything, so why would she still be resentful? I thought she'd be HAPPY. She told herself she'd be happy without me, and I'm sure all her friends told her she'd be happy. Where's the happy?

Just a reminder to those of you following my story. It has been over two years since my xWW said she was "done". It was shortly after she got pregnant with out youngest daughter. I don't know how long after that she met OM, but still, it has been over two years.

Any ideas about my chances of her waking up and changing her mind about everything after all this time? She has followed through with all of her threats so far.

Have you read this on resentment?

Resentment Type A and Type B

Also about your question on whether your WW will ever wake up. No one can predict the future and no one can control another.

You can only control yourself.

So why don't you continue to work on yourself?

How is your self-improvement going? How is your time with your kids? How is your new job? Have you picked up any new hobbies?

Also since your D, have you thought about going into Plan B with your WW to protect yourself?

Brain,

I don't know if her resentment falls into either category. I don't really understand it. She acts as though I do not exist any more unless it concerns the exchange of the girls. While we were married, I never disallowed anything she ever wanted to do with friends, and neither did she. Both of us were more content with staying at home (or so I thought). The core problem with our relationship was that she was not getting enough intimacy from me, and the reason she wasn't was because I kept my distance from her because she was always angry with me - for not showing her affection. It was a vicious cycle that we'd break once in a while when she'd FINALLY talk to me about it once every 4 or 6 months. Even though we'd talk, I could never get past her abusive treatment of me when she was feeling resentment for my not having sex with her often enough. I told her a dozen times that I need to feel like I have an invitation to initiate sex, and with her attitude, it almost never felt that way.

I don't know if I mentioned before, but I have Crohn's disease, which would knock me offline with regard to lovemaking, sometimes for a few weeks at a time. Other times it would affect my comfort level during. She would get resentful during those times, then when I'd start to feel better, she'd still act angry toward me. I don't know how many times I tried initiating at night, and she would just lie in bed without moving or saying anything. It felt like I was trying to make love to a corpse - it seemed like she'd get passive aggressive out of her resentment. So I would back off again.

he bottom line is that she refused to have an adult conversation about this issue, and hen I'd try to explain my feelings to her, she would just say "Well, I do that because you do __________ ." She would deflect blame back onto me. Then she'd end the conversation with "All you have to do is f*** me more and everything would be fine." Which of course is not true. It would do nothing to change her treatment of me. I could never push past the vitriol coming from her to feel attracted enough to have sex. She is a good-looking woman, but when someone acts like they want to punch you in the throat, and look at you with that glare that says "I hate you", guess what? It kinda kills the attraction,. She didn't care. It was MY job to service her at least X times a week, and if I didn't, she was angry. I just don't possess a rapist mentality, ya know? I need to feel desired in the same way she does.

So now she's getting her fix with some other dude who probably DOES have a rapist mentality. Meanwhile, our girls are suffering, I am suffering, she is suffering financially. I figure something has to wake her up one of these days but it just isn't happening.