He assured me that he intends to not have anything to do with his co worker again. He told me he knows she is thinking he should make things up to her and then they can be friends again. I guess they had a few blow outs in the past, and he broke the ice always. He says he is tired of her and can't be bothered.

His ex. No, he won't do that. He told me he still has assets with her that they didn't divide and he is scared of losing them, additionally she is playing a little game with him over the kids and access to them. Personally I would kick her behind around legally every time she caused an issue.. and she can be very good at causing issues.

I get the feeling more and more that I walked into a lot of unfinished business he had with her. I am pretty disgusted by it, because it was all hid from me until I was married to him.

Now he just says he is telling the truth, speaking as he sees things, not hiding things. I have no idea and am doubtful he is.

I agree. It's a constant struggle every contact I have with him. I know you understand.. what happened was the worst thing in my life, the pain and despair, wanting to kill myself as he mocked me for taking meds to calm me down.

What is even worse to me is it is like a crime, a fraud, like ethnic cleansing and later on no one will admit the atrocity happened. To be blamed to myself and him asking me to agree to it... I then caused my own anhilation. Its hard enough to be the recipient but to also be told its my fault for having been the recipient.. it's really destructive. THAT is what I end up fighting against.

DEAL BREAKER! He already got her pregnant once, are you hanging around for a repeat?

Seriously, Atlanta, there is nothing here to save. I am a natural optimist, but I can't give you false hope. This is a hopeless situation. You would be so much better off cutting your losses and moving on. There is nothing but pain and despair in your future with his man and if you did stay with him, it is very likely he would leave you for the next skank that came down the pike.

He won't end contact with his EX-OW, and won't even tell you the truth about the most recent OW. That is hopeless.

My exWH once told me that if I didn't get over it by a certain date, than he'd leave. This was about two months after the affair purge of lies in '08 I think. You have no idea how mad I was over that.

A remorseful WH would never say this....


Your WH is not ready.

I'm sure this recent contact has you upset and triggering again.

Maybe you can decide on a date that you will start divorce proceedings, if he hasn't met your conditions for reconciliation. That way, you won't feel like you're in a holding pattern forever. I would keep that date secret from the WH.

LEAVE the crime scene, my friend. Stop making yourself a crime victim. You are an intelligent, bright woman who needs to walk herself out of this nightmare. CHOOSE to be a victim no more.

Send him a letter and tell him NO DEAL, SAYANORA! And go down this week and file for divorce.

MyJourney has given you excellent advice. The only thing I would add is that he has had plenty of time to meet your conditions. You already know he will NEVER meet them. It takes 10 minutes to agree to those conditions. It has been 10 minutes since you gave him your conditions.

Then hold out for that.

Doing what you know you need empowers you and gives you strength.

I agree.

Atlanta, I would follow Mel's advice and start getting your ducks in a row, and file for a divorce right away. If by some miracle your WH decides to provide you with just compensation, you can decide at that time if that is what you want.

Forcing a divorce now will probably make the WH chit or get off the pot faster as well. Look at filing for divorce now as you taking control and moving your recovery along.

Honestly Atlanta, when you start taking these steps for yourself, you will feel better in so many ways. I can promise you that.

I don't care what fears you may have in filing for the divorce, do it anyway. The fear fades as you face them.

Don't blame yourself. You should have never been tested in this way to begin with.

This guy still believes he can negotiate the conditions of reconciliation so it is clear he does not take it seriously at all. Maybe divorce will convince him of your sincerity. And if he doesn't make a dramatic and radical change, you will be better off without him.

You do realize it is entirely REASONABLE to demand that he end all contact for life with his EX, right? There is no other way. none.

I know he won't do it right now. He is dragging his feet on separating assets and hammering her everytime she messes with him on seeing the kids. She will fight it constantly. That woman is full of endless malignant energy when it comes to getting her way.

He himself is extremely depressed about what he has done. He calls himself (literally says "I am") sh*t all the time. He says he wakes up every morning and feels ok about 1 second, then he remembers who he is and what he has done. He doesn't want to talk to people or be around people. He found a job and does business and very little else.

He doesn't want me to talk about it because it makes him feel even worse, and then if I have an AO, he has to maybe deal with me raging at him and he worries what I will do when upset. Because I DID smack his co worker around a few times and tell her husband on her.

I am just saying what he told me.

He does believe he can decide conditions. Don't know exactly why, maybe because he successfully walked all over me for years and I kept arguing but taking it instead of leaving.

Because he has never been forced into making that decision. He has always gotten his way about this, to the detriment of your marriage. And you can never force him. All you can do is decide to not live like this, and if he really wants the marriage, then he will force himself to make that decision finally. You have control over this, by filing for divorce. You don't have to wait on his timeline anymore.



It's still all about him Atlanta. All of his actions thus far, have been all about him. He cares more for himself than anyone, including you or his ex. My exWH said and did the same things in your quote above. Dr. Harley Sr. told me once that my exWH was in an affair with himself. Guys like this are emotionally stunted, and typically only get worse, not better. From my experience, and what I've read in the forums, this seems to be true except for a rare case every blue moon.


Sounds like something a number of us could have done, with the amount of resentment and anger that has piled up over time. But here's the thing Atlanta. It is now your choice, like Mel said, to not put yourself in this position anymore. Stay in plan B, move to plan D, so that you are allowing yourself to stay in an abusive situation that you know will make you insane with anger. That's what AOs are. A moment of insanity.

Your WH will constantly use passive aggressive behavior to to make the anger come out in you, so he can throw it back in your face and blameshift to distract from the real issues. People with P.A. behavior are angry people, and they release their anger through other people. As long as you stay out of this abusive relationship, he can no longer blame you for another AO. Which means he will have to deal with his anger all by himself. While he is dealing, or not dealing, with his side of the street, you take your energy and focus it towards you in setting up a life that doesn't include him until, and unless, he is ready.


Correct. This is it in a nutshell Atlanta.

Stop the cycle and leave.

Atlanta, I would give anything if I could go back and make that choice on my own, waaaayyy sooner than when my exWH finally did himself.

I suffered some major physical complications, as a direct result from the emotional trauma of the affairs and constant lying, starting in the first year after dday, which resulted in life altering surgery. I was also dealing with a two year long illness with my mother, ultimately losing her during the horrible false recovery. With every day I stayed in that relationship, which had been fraught with half just compensation measures, and AOs on my end, or internalizing the anger and causing the depression, I became weaker and weaker.

I can look back now and see that if I had taken the steps sooner that we are advising you too, I could have saved myself years of needless pain, money, and time. Not to mention the loss of health, and the happiness I didn't have then, but I do now.

You gave your WH enough time to make this right. You don't have to be in perpetual cake eating mode anymore if you file for divorce.

He feels he has too much to deal with from other dramas. He asked that I go silent because he says clearly I am not trying to get reassurance and comfort, which he is ready to give. He says he simply shuts down, becomes upset himself because he believes all I want to do is blame him for what he did and vent on him.

He says he is NOT going to talk about what happened. He can't change it. He knows how I feel, that he was wrong, what he did was terrible. He says please deal with my emotions myself because he won't do it. He says I need to find someone else to "listen to your stories" because he has no capacity for it due to OTHER things he is dealing with. I guess a few family members have been giving him heck and re traumatizing him for all he did to cause issues.

I don't know what to say to that. Except at this point I am silent and thinking on things.

Should I not talk to him about things. He says :

"Okay I am guilty with all those things in the past but still can't help you stop being upset. Please don't put it on my head - I have too much to deal with atm on my own.I am tired of it. Atm I don't gave capacity to listen all things I heard already before, I am sorry, find somebody else you listen your story."

And also, I am not ignoring what you guys are saying.

I feel very bad that I am not worth it to him to take a few simple steps.

I am getting kind of confused with all it.

"Good bye. You are a selfish, manipulating jerk who has caused me horrible pain for years, and now instead of comforting me over pain YOU caused you are telling me to call someone who cares because you just can't handle it and don't want to feel bad. Never contact me again."

That's what I would say.

Atlanta, you ARE worth it. He is a narcicist. It wouldn't matter if you were PERFECT. It wouldn't matter if you fanned him with palm fronds and fed him grapes. He cares about 1 person and 1 person only, and that is him. Even now he doesn't want to hear it because he is too absorbed in his own pain and guilt from what he himself did.

NEVER think you are not worth it. You have given more to this man than many other women would have, and he just kicks you in the face for it.

Don't be confused. His issue is that he is a selfish jerk, not that you are not good enough. Once you see the truth that you are the victim of an abuser, not because you were weak or bad, but because he ENJOYS abusing you and getting his way, you will find it easier to move on.

I am praying for you hard.

I asked around and talked to his sister. I realize this is not strictly NC, but I wanted to follow up on it in order to think about filing the divorce.

Basically klove, you are right. He has been so rotton in the past few years that everyone is mad at him and they all want him to man up, but as it turns out, manning up results in conflicting actions. His ex wife is giving him heck again, she thinks he is done with me so she is trying to force him back to her and using the kids. His former inlaws are at him. His mother is upset with him. His friends are becoming former friends, I am putting pressure on him and he is spinning in circles.

All caused by him, and now he is under the gun and can't make anyone happy, so is having some sort of freak out. He said "atm" he can't help me because he can barely hold it together enough to even get through the day.

What I am going to do is go silent Plan B a month. I am directing my IM to not pass messages to me during that time. I think everyone is so upset that no one is fit to do anything until it all calms down.

For my own peace of mind, I am doing this. IF he sends something to IM that sounds like he really means he will get on board, then I will decide from there. If he is still boo hooing for himself in a puddle on the floor, I am going to give it up.
Will file for divorce.

I already have the paperwork done, just needs signed, dated, and served.

Sad, not optimistic.

He doesn't know what he is losing.

This is so hateful, and uncaring. My exWH said the same thing to me. I'm a sweet, calm, and nice person, but when my ex said things like this to me, I wanted to kill him. I couldn't believe the audacity he had for blowing me off when I was in so much pain, so that he could run off and lick his wounds? What a baby. This is not a man.

I'm glad you have your divorce papers ready.

Be careful Atlanta. My ex did tell my IM he would do what was on my list, and then went back on his word after I let him back into the house.

This man needs to be on his knees if he comes back. If he doesn't seem 1000% remorseful, and begging for forgiveness, do not take him back.

And btw.... I am in love again, and very happy. My BF tells me all the time that "I'm worth it". You are worth it Atlanta. Your WH just isn't the kind of man that you will likely ever hear that from.

He says for him this is simple.
He says he did terrible things. He has stopped doing them. So why is Atlanta still so upset instead of doing something positive and being productive in moving forward and fixing the relationship instead of stubbornly insisting on "venting, blaming, and being stuck in the past."

I do not know why. Except I think he speak to me unkindly and I am probably unreasonable to think someone who I am hurt and angry at should actually sit there and listen to me telling them I am upset and afraid due to things they DID but are no longer doing. He said he isnt doing it anymore, so why keep complaining.

And I did it like every 2 weeks while he was doing it and he is/was finding it intolorable and destructive. Like it is a massive LB.

Is this resentment that I really should be controlling and keeping to myself?