I will suggest the radio show, it is a good idea I think.

I would love to be able to easily put my feelings aside and just have fun. It is extremely hard for me I guess. I am willing to do something fun though, and I have done fun things with him even though I have been hurting. I have grown less willing though, and I know I need to try much harder in this area instead of only wanting to focus on the "issues". I think it totally drains him but somehow I keep wanting him to come to that level with me. I need to find the strength, motivation, willingness, something... Something to just be the better wife and let it sit for a while ... Thanks



Totally see how keeping it short and to the point would help, I do tend to draw things out and rehash it wanting to feel that he "gets" me. I think if he were more responsive in general it would really help me to trust him to care for me by listening/doing something about it.

But, you said to keep the mass majority of our conversations free from complaining.... But right now there is soooo much to be said... The info from Dr. H below mentions that it is a good thing to bring it out right? Is my situation different?

Well, I did it... Not much but something...

After putting baby to bed I asked teen son to watch/listen in on her in case she got up, and then asked Mr. WL if he wanted to take a walk with me. He said yes. So we walked the dog together. We talked,mostly about work things. But no complaining from me and no asking about relationship things. Just walked and talked about the crazy people at work.

I still feel withdrawn, but I did make an effort. Thought that was good considering how things have been the past couple days.

Oh, also... I am still working on meeting his domestic needs... Tonight I put away his clothes, put away two arm loads of random misplaced things from the kids, reminded teen son about H's request to clean his room, crushed cans, cleaned up after dinner, tidied living room, made the bed, folded blankets, asked teen son to clean up his game things in living room (something H had mentioned to me that son had not cleaned up), hung towels up, put away shoes in bins, tidied bathroom counter

WL,

Just so there is no confusion (as my earlier post may have created some).

Complaints are good. But constant, continual complaints aren't necessarily going to help reshape the marriage. At what point do those complaints become an annoying habit (LB) for him? Just some things to consider.

I know from personal experience if I find most of my time enjoyable with my wife then the tougher conversations with her (complaints) because much easier to digest. If I'm enjoying my time with her I feel more in love and am definitely more motivated to clean up my side of the street.

He isn�t here so I�m speculating a hypothesis of what is happening in your M � which isn�t necessarily a good thing to do. But hopefully it leads you to some things to try and to relearn that will get the ball rolling in the right direction for the two of you.

It would prove quite helpful if you could get him on board with MB. Not just for you but for him too. If you two were to do some of the counseling they�d help you learn how to eliminate LBs using PORH and POJA. They�d also help you find ways to meet each other�s needs so you would end up feeling heard among other things.

If he is reluctant I would encourage you, just like the fine posters here recommended for me, to phone one of the counselors yourself. They�ll help you with a plan and help you get your H on board. It�s often difficult to explain to our spouses what they stand to gain by participating. The counselor will help with that.

WL, if you could get agreement from your H to plan a scheduled �relationship� talk time that could prove helpful for him. If he knew he could have a safe conversation with you free of R talk some of his poor listening behavior may improve.

Meanwhile I would definitely continue using the �Ouch, that hurt� phrase or something similar to let him know when he�s doing something that does hurt you and keeps you in withdrawal. Just avoid explaining the WHY�s unless he asks for more clarification. And note down what he did so it can be brought up during your relationship talks.

Seriously considering a separation...weighing it with how hard it would be on he kids....sometimes I think I should just remain here in the dead silence for them so they wouldn't have to go through that.

I don't know how to do plan A but think I probably should.

He shows absolutely no interest in me, our marriage, MB, anything related. He is withdrawn too I suppose.

Being near him makes me feel queasy and kind of sick.

I have still been making an effort at doing domestic things.

He still hasn't made any mention of the list I gave him over three weeks ago.

My head aches every single day from tension related to this failing marriage.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. It is hard to go through life being denied the one thing that would make you feel so complete. We all wish for more for you. I wish we could will your H to get on board. Unfortunately it doesn�t work that way. And in cases like yours it may take a while to get your spouse to see the light.


To be honest the honeymoon phase IS different than the long term loving phase that Dr Harley teaches us. MB is better.

Much of that honeymoon phase is the infatuation stage. The stage where we overlook our partners LBs because of the needs they do meet. This isn�t always the case � but I suspect it is there in a lot of marriages.

If your H doesn�t believe in the concept of romantic love it�s going to be difficult finding the benefit in it for him. The romantic love will come from working the program � it is its strongest selling point. At least that is how I see it.

Maybe others here can help you find a way to get him on board. I still think your best option is to get the professionals involved. From what you�ve communicated to us it doesn�t sound like you�ve had a lot of success in your attempts so far. The pros will know what to do and/or know how to help you with Plan A and if necessary Plan B (separation).

Did you contact the show?

I didn't contact the show but I have been listening. I keep reading the site and listening to the program but I am feeling so hopeless with us right now that it seems I have no energy left to come up with a plan or even really try. I'm pretty depressed right now, not sure if it is a symptom or a cause. Maybe both.

I sometimes imagine what would I do if he said "let's plan out UA time" or something about the program and I think it might make me mad. I know I should embrace him when he comes around, but right now I'm just bitter. Part of me wants him to pay for all this pain... I know it must sound bad, and maybe even abusive, but I wish he could understand what he is doing to me.

Today he messages me at work and said he had asked his mom to babysit the baby on Sat night. My heart stopped beating for a second. But then I remembered my SD has a recital. I felt sunk. For a split second I thought he took some initiative for us.

Thanks. I will consider calling. I wonder if I'm too withdrawn right now to make the best of it? Maybe they would know what to say to me.

My therapist says I'm too depressed to worry about marriage counseling right now and I should try taking care of me first. I have been with her for two years now, the other day she read back some notes from our first session and it was exactly the same things I'm still saying....

...not feeling loved...
...wish I could disappear to get away from the pain...
...want him to want me...
...lonely...
...headaches...
...tightness in chest and ears...

I feel that it is all due to unhappiness in my marriage. Maybe it's just how I am, a big downer, never happy with anything, never content, always complaining....

I remember how happy I was back then, I wanted to go places and do things. I wanted to wear pretty clothes and felt lovely. I was so happy to see him, I remember smiling so much my face hurt. I remember sitting in the park having lunch and listening to the leaves, feeling the sun, and just feeling him love me so strongly. I remember missing him when we were apart and driving through a blizzard (literally) just to be with him rather than being snowed in without him. I remember finding love notes in surprise places and cute names he would call me.

Now I am nothing.

The one thing I would caution about counseling is that the counseling sessions will turn into sessions of concentration on how unhappy the marriage is and how unhappy he's making you. In other words, it'll turn into a session of vilifying him.

If the marriage is the source of your unhappiness, then fixing the marriage is where to concentrate.

Years ago when I was in counselling, the concentration was on being happy and emotionally okay despite circumstances and situations

The reason you are depressed is very likely your relationship with your husband.

You are mourning losing this: