I feel like we are done with no way out at this point. I wish I had found this site earlier, but I didn't. My wife cheated on me multiple times before I filed for divorce (I thought I needed better "proof" before confronting her as I always fully trusted her even in a benefit of the doubt situation). She never admitted to her infidelity and ultimately I filed for divorce. Before she even knew I had filed she had me removed from the home with a restraining order. I had no choice at that time, but to file for emergency custody (she had affairs with very shady guys with records) and won. I now have full custody of all four kids and if she wasn't bitter before the separation she is certainly bitter after "losing" her children.

I never intended to remove her from the lives of her children and I always wanted to reconcile even if we had divorced. I don't believe in one person is at fault divorces. it would definitely be the exception to the rule if a marriage has ever ended at the fault of only one spouse and therefore I've always wanted to take my share of the blame. She moved in with her boyfriend and I have the house and the kids. It gets more difficult from there.

It's been two years since I was awarded full custody and our divorce has been on hold in the court system for that long too. she refuses to end the affair and after reading the plan here I think we may have done irreparable damage to our reconciliation process. She goes back and forth between his mothers house (where he lives) and mine and because i've never wanted to remove her from the lives of her children she effectively works like a live-in nanny (not quite the "no contact" of plan B) and even sleeps in my bed when she is here (though we do not have sex). I'm embarrassed to say all this after reading all that I've done wrong, but she also has access to my money and spends it like it's on fire. I have always wanted her to have whatever she wants and rarely put limits on spending. usually, her limit is... "hey Ive got $3000 in bills and only $2800 in the bank... stop spending" We already decided to separate our money now, but she has no idea how much she spends that is not hers and when I refuse to let her have my money she is going to freak out. Not only that, but the man she is with gives her all of his money and showers her with gifts he can't afford while I struggle to pay my mortgage. She sees his irresponsibility as love and my refusal to let her spend what I need for bills as something other than love.

Now I've been trying to convince her again to leave him, but she's had the best of both worlds for so long that #1 she won't leave him and #2 implementation of plan B may result in another court battle where men rarely have the advantage with regard to child custody. Keep in mind, I won fully custody for a reason, but who knows what could happen in court and not only that, I don't know if I can take it emotionally. on the other side, I'm not sure she could either. with 4 kids at home that almost never listen to her, though, she will always see this as a place of stress and pain and his place as relaxation and "love".

I could write a book with everything else but I'll stop here and wait for all the omg's and "what were you thinking"'s. I have answers for that too, but they too are long and drawn out.

My question is, "I've been doing this soo wrong for sooo long. Is it too late for us?"

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.


It's never too late to follow the MB plans.

Please stop enabling your WW.

Have you documented everything?

Who all did you expose to? Have you told your kids?

Yes. Dr Harley would tell you that if the affair is not over in 2 years, that there is no hope. Her affair is very entrenched because of years of your enabling. She is very wayward and has been rewarded for that. You are like the husband who drives his alcoholic wife to the bar and gives her wads of money.

My suggestion would be to divorce her and go into Plan B. And by all means, stop enabling her. It is very poor role modeling, and a very poor example of love.

Are your kids pretty screwed up being exposed to your corrupt wife and the poor role modeling?

Have you read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Sadly, you have financed her affair with your family money. You have contributed to her demise, your demise and the demise of your children's family. Your children need that money for their safety and security and their corrupt, selfish mother has been allowed to use their family money to wh*re around.

That is despicable.

You won't have to go through another custody battle if you're in plan B.

Your kids will still get to see their mother. You just have to figure out how to get to the kids to them without making contact with her. It can and has been done.

You need an "intermediary" to handle any contact between you and your wife, in order to do an EFFECTIVE plan B.

I can't believe the life of luxury your wife has had. Playing house with her kids during the day and getting to leave in the evenings, with wads of cash, to go play fantasy land with her lover.

Who cares if the wife is upset with your new plans. This "upset" was due her two years ago.

Have you read this?
How to Plan B Correctly

Welcome, agape. Two years is a fairly long time - your WW's lifestyle is firmly in place, using you, using her OM, using you, using her OM. How long do you plan to be used? How long do you plan to model this sort of behavior to your children?

If I were a man with any kind of cojones, I would change the locks on the doors and tell her that the gravy train has just derailed. She would no longer be welcome in my children's lives while she is rutting like a pig with another man. I would also let her know that there is a way home if she dumps OM. That is Plan A.

Read more on Plan A here.

What she said.

one of our problems is how certain exposures were made (gossip in our church) My children (6,7,9,11) know that she lives away and that she has a "friend". I've told her over and over that they don't see him as her "friend" but she never listened to that.

Her parents know and have been critical of her, but her dad tends to sweep things under the rug (probably something she liked about me when she married me). I think that most people in her life and mine already know about the Affair. As far as having access to money, she had nothing when we first separated. It was only in the last year that she has had access to my money. That was my biggest problem when I read the rules for Plan B. I really screwed up when I let her in the house with my money.

It's so much more complicated too. Our custody agreement says that she can be in the home whenever I am not (I travel often for work and often am working during bus pickups, drop offs, sports practices, etc) she always gets first choice to be with the children whenever I am unable to be (ie I can't hire a nanny or babysitter unless she also cannot be with the children) Also, it is a "nesting" agreement, which means the children have custody of the home and SUV. visitation weekends are to occur in the home so if it is her weekend I have to move out for the weekend. this makes changing locks impossible. I actually do believe that she would adhere to the no contact clause though if she honestly believed it was best for everyone. She shows all the signs of addiction with this guy (denial included) as I have often made the case that an intact healthy marriage is best for the children and all we need to get that is for her to leave the affair and for us to get counseling. her response is to agree fully and then claim that she can't stop the affair.

I believe the children are ok... for now. I am a very affectionate father and yet I am not too permissive. I keep them on a schedule (for the most part) and they respect and listen to me. They do not listen to my WW and she often requests help from me to control them. She has (when we first separated) even ended visitations early because she couldn't handle them. She is very permissive and whenever she is with the children the house is full of candy, cookies, soda and chips. My children lack very little and my WW best qualities are her nurturing instincts whenever she is in her "normal" state, which is often, but not often enough.

I know I have a very effective case for picking up everything and moving to TX without a forwarding address, but I'm cursed with a deep love for her that most people could not possibly understand. She means everything to me (which is why it was so easy to enable her). I also am aware that enabling doesn't equal love. I'm actually writing a book about Love (well, with true love as a central theme) and what I have done often contradicts my own words. Proof that it's easier said than done.

She really is "sick". It's not an excuse and I know it doesn't make right the mistakes I have made here, but she was abused mentally, physically, and sexually as a child, and in her weakest moments I reacted to her outbursts with hurtful words. I always found a way stay on top in an argument and I will regret that 'till the day I die. Living with her in the house lately has been like raising four kids while caring for a spouse with cancer. I honestly don't see her depression/anxiety any differently than a cancer, as it has very similar effects on the sufferer. I never knew how to properly deal with it and consequently had done more damage than good. At one point we thought she had borderline personality disorder (she does not), but we really don't know what she has yet (other than depression/anxiety) even though she sees a counselor every week.

what I'm getting at is... I'm afraid of her becoming suicidal once I start plan B. I want her back... I do NOT want her dead. I have no reason to think she would kill herself now, but I worry about it all the time.

another aspect is spiritual. I don't see that this is a Christian site so I didn't want to get into that unless someone interested really wanted to hear that part of my story (it's actually the reason I'm writing my book).

Again, more to say, but we need to go piece by piece here so I can finally do something right for once.

FYI, Dr. Harley is the owner of this site and is a Christian.

These are all excuses that you have concocted for enabling her. "Nesting" agreements are not good for you, her or your children and can be changed. All you have to do is have your lawyer change this. You can change your locks and lock her out. You can get her out of your bank account.

This is a Christian website, and what you are doing is not "Christian." There is nothing "Christian" about serving evil. You are not only enabling your corrupt, fallen wife, you are allowing her to corrupt your children. You are an accessory to her crimes. I cannot even imagine how morally confused your children are to be raised in a home where corruption is condoned and overlooked. As a person who was raised in a home with a corrupt parent with a disinterested, uncaring "nonjudgemental" spouse, I cannot express to you how morally confused I was. My parents were guilty of gross dereliction of duty for exposing me to corruption.

Ephesians 5:11 tells us:
Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them.

You are associating yourself and your children with works of darkness. And helping the darkness thrive and grow by enabling your wife. That is not "love." That is laziness.

You have sacrificed your kids on the alter of your mission to enable a sick, corrupt, selfish woman. They are being taught that it is ok to lie and commit adultery. That is on YOUR head, Mister. YOU will answer for your dereliction of duty.

We don't need to hear any more excuses and reasons why about why you are an enabler. This was quite enough. We have people here who are in very serious crisis's who are serious about resolving their problems. You are not serious about solving your problem.

wow!! I didn't realize I landed in Judgemental square. If you have a question of me, then ask it. Assuming and responding with hateful speech is what got me into this mess to begin with. You can call it righteous indignation, but it is actually just indignant without any righteousness whatsoever. I have already acknowledged that I have made mistakes both in our marriage and during our separation. Do you actually think that I have condoned her behavior?!? I understand the enabling part and I plan on remedying that. I'm asking for advice by giving more information on where I stand now and even stated that it wasn't an excuse for bad behavior. Piece by piece so that we don't lose track and IMMEDIATELY jump to judgement which is sin. a lot has happened in two years and I've misplaced a lot of thoughts in all that. I didn't realize this was a Christian site and while that makes me happy to know, the last several responses are not very Christian. Telling me I'm not serious?!? You don't have a clue and I don't want to hear from you again. Thank you for your time and read more scripture on Judging (ie "pressed down, shaken together and running over" is a statement of how you get judged after you judge another). I like your scripture too, Your words of judgement are worthless and evil and only serve to point out that you too have a long growth process ahead.

I am extremely happy to see that you have been recovered for 10 years. I wish you the best, but I don't wish to hear from you anymore unless you have repented of your judgmental spirit and actually want to help rather than flaunt the glories of your success. It wasn't YOUR success... It IS God's, be thankful that He hasn't dismissed you as easily as you have me.

so, should I tell my children? even the youngest (6) that this man is actually mom's lover and not her friend?

I would assert that it is a tragic lack of judgement on your part that has caused you to enable your wife and expose your children to corruption. There is nothing "Christian" about enabling evil as you have. What does the Bible tell us to do when a sinning brother will not repent of his sin?

You are SUPPOSED to judge right from wrong as a Christian and teach your children the same. They are being taught that adultery is acceptable. How is that good judgement? How is that Christian role modeling?

Have you been lying to your children?

Agape, Yes tell them in an age appropriate way. With the yourger children something about mommy has a boyfriend, married women are not supposed to have boyfriends. Her boyfriend is trying to take mommy away from us.

Something like that they will understand what it is and that it is wrong. You can also point out that "mommy will be angry with me soon because I am going to try to win her back for our family."

This isn't to encourage them to disrespect their mother, but to not accept her behavior

Did I ask to speak with you? I will answer all your questions when you admit your sin. If you sin in public you should repent in public. I admitted my sin. attempting to save face is pride which is also a sin.