You need to start answering questions, RNR.

Fortunately you don't have to read it, and she can't make you read it. Hold off on reading it for a bit and talk to us first; let's talk about whether you got all the information Dr. Harley listed that you need to get. We don't want you to come back in three months when things are starting to get good and rip the wound back open because there's something that was forgotten.

If you already read it, please don't blame her for the fact that you read it. She probably should've checked here before sending it since you were saying not to (we've been telling her to do this, though! she's just trying to follow the instructions we're giving her!), but that still doesn't make you read it. Hold off on that and let's work through this together.

I will bet anything that the reason mrs_cen was so withdrawn last night was that she had been working on this timeline. It was probably very unpleasant for her.

But honesty in marriage is an absolutely crucial step for recovery. She is doing just what Dr. Harley would say you guys need to do. I would definitely suggest not fighting with her about it.

She sent it text message. I was texting when it came, of course I saw it. I did not want to, this must be one of those EP that I was supposedly given? If cutting corners is ok than I'm going to do that my self. I will not lose both the rig and my marriage and my resume is ready to go.

Just a thought. I keep a journal and in it I put how I would handle such stressful situations with tact and respect. You need to understand that you can't control her only your reactions to her actions. She sent it via email? Then don't open it. When she brings this up tell her this "I don't feel safe right now discussing this. Please lets revisit it when I am not so emotional." You are placing blame for YOUR ACTIONS on her. Thats what causes your anger IMO. I was the same way.

I don't know if you read any other threads on here but I am in the thick of it as well, my friend. My WW does some $!@$ stuff yet I keep my cool and guess what! She does it and calls or emails me later saying she was sorry and she shouldn't of said the things she said. I truly believe MB program and Dr. Martin Luther King's teachings go hand in hand. Gandhi's as well.

WWs need to make the BH the bad guy. When you stop the lovebusters and the AOs they have NO LEGS TO STAND ON. It's a war of attrition (spelling?) You have to be kind, courteos and caring in the face of insanity and keep your cool like James Bond. Eventually, you will make lovebank deposists. Also, if your wife is being honest with you don't punish her for it! She seems to be a protective liar. Tell her thanks for being honest and let her know your are upset with her actions but together you can work through it. Old saying its not what you say but how you say it.

You can convey disappointment and being upset without AOs, disrespect and demands. Its all in the words, the sad thing is that like my marriage these things were habitual and hard to break. Do you love your wife? Use that love as a spring board to motivate you throughtout recovery. If you mess up and I am sure you will, apologize promptly and let her know what you plan on doing to prevent it from happening again. I believe and vets correct me if I am wrong, JC (just compensation) is a two way street. There are reasons for affairs no excuses as they like to say on the radio show. What reasons lead your wife to fall out of love with you?

Ask her and don't get upset and defensive at her responses, correct them! I'm rooting for you because the reasons for your wife's and my wife's affairs are similar. I worked and worked provided material things but I was closed off to emotionally. Her top need was IC and affection and I neglected them. So yes I know you can do this and I will say a prayer for you at church Sunday.

Thats fine, you can put it aside until you are ready to read it. But you do need this information and the sooner you get this step out of the way, the faster you can move to next steps.

Just don't fight about it!

The rule is, if someone makes a mistake, don't break the rules yourself.

You are expressing a desire here to punish her. An angry outburst. You are having one. And whatever you are thinking of doing or saying, it will make the problem worse.

If somebody cuts off your arm, would you cut off the other to make it better?

I think you need to talk to Dr. Harley or one of the professionals at Marriage Builders ASAP. This is not looking good. There is only so much we amateurs can do to keep you guys from fighting. I suggest you put away the nuclear weapons, but you are talking about punishing her (and yourself) for this mistake. You are going to burn everything to the ground.

Get help. Get professional help.

I will not talk to her, I will see how I feel in a few days but she outright did something that is specifically asked her not to. That's what's hurting most.

This morning, I had to take my autistic son to the dentist to have a cavity filled. He, too, did not want it. But he understood that it was necessary, and he fought his oral defensiveness and came through it like a champ. He also understood that everybody, even the dentist, was looking out for his good, even if he experienced pain in the process.

Do you get where I am going with this?

Your WW did you a great favor. She appreciates that it hurt. Don't you understand why it was necessary? It is proof that she has the best interest of your marriage at heart, since she will not allow your protests to stop her from doing what was right.

Your EP's have no meaning to me now. That's where I am at with this.

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RNR, I get that what she did hurt. But the biggest problem I see is not her mistake, but your reaction to it: an angry outburst.

I would suggest you find something very relaxing to do for an hour or so, or at least as long as you can. Calm down and don't think about this troubling situation. Get the adrenaline out of your bloodstream. Put on some peaceful music. Take a walk; get some mild exercise.

Do not say or do anything else until you have done this. We'll be here to help you when you have calmed down.

You both are out of control with your lovebusting behavior. Just because your spouse does something you don't like....it doesn't give you a license to lovebust them or do whatever you want!

Believe me, I understand. When I got here in 2007, I had been lovebusting and AO'ing my xWH to the point that he was terrified to be around me.

I went into Plan A and learned how to be responsible for my own behavior (read: NO lovebusting behavior despite the fact that he was still working with the OW and being a complete jerk to me!) During this time I learned what it means to control yourself and walk away if you can't. When we interacted I was calm and did not try to punish him, regardless of whatever it was that he was doing. I took a lot of long drives (read: daily) during that time. I read the information on this site and I "got" it.

It is clear that both of you do not and continue to try to control and punish each other constantly.

You have a long tough road ahead of you, we all know....we've all been there. It is completely possible to recover your marriage and transform it into something wonderful, but not if you keep lovebusting each other at every turn.

No, it was a violation of trust. I asked that something not happen and it did anyway. As for the iPhone, no she did not volunteer to give it up, in fact she ignored me all night while she played on it.

I think we all get that.

Because she violated your trusts means you get to be angry and lash out at her? Sorry, bro your treating her like a child. One of the things I from anger management (once again you both need it) was that your primary instincts get you in trouble. Just because my hormones are crazy and I am in heat doesn't mean I should have sex with a random lady. Just because that man spit in my face doesn't mean I get to smash is face in! Two negatives never equal a positive in real life situations! They make it worse.

Your instincts say she hurt me so I will hurt her back via an AO. After you drop the nukes and look at the damage is that gonna change what has happened? NO! There will be a fallout and both sides lose! Don't you get it? Punish her with kindess. Thanks her for the inforamtion and read it when you are ready. Just because a text comes through doesn't mean you have to read it. Have some discipline, sir. Your daughter and wife need you to be the strong one now.

There's a bible proverb that says only a fool gives full vent to his anger. Its true you are being foolish go run a 5k come back and relax then let her know it hurt you but understood what she was doing. Instead of shouting, namecalling and being a monster. You tried that and what did it get you? Police calls and bruises to your wife. Try the MB way and see what happens you might be pleasantly surprised.

I don't really see how he's lashing out at her. I see that he's devastated.

Sending the timeline via text is INSANE.

Why couldn't she take the time to write it out, put it in an envelope and give it to him to read WHEN HE'S READY.

Then she plays on her phone all night and ignores him after delivering the info in a way that he can't avoid seeing when he's not ready?

Sometimes the best outcome is divorce.

One doesn't necessarily preclude the other.
He needs to calm down, zibbles, for his own sake.