Many years ago (20 years) my wife had an emotional affair with a family friend. She was obsessed with the guy and tried to spend as much time as she could with him. The guy never reciprocated and I don't think was ever aware of a problem. My wife disclosed this to me while we were in recovery from her other affair.

I have no issue now with the EA but I remember thinking at the time that my wife was acting strange to him.

Also in later years my wife would get emotionally attached to men who were unreachable. For example she had a "crush"??/EA with a certain tv star that she considered her ultimate man. She attended appearances where he was at and had photos taken of him. She would look at youtube fan videos of him, etc.

Through these I know she was ignoring my emotional needs while she was in these obsessions. A Christian counselor said she suffered from limerance which is basically unhealthy obsessions.

I haven't seen this type of EA addressed by the experts here and am interested in what approach would be taken if this was happening to someone currently? I'm not sure exposing is an option if the EA is not reciprocated or is with a tv star as listed.

Comments appreciated.

It's about boundaries.

Does your FWW have boundaries?

Is this one of her EPs? Not youtubing and going to places where the TV star is?

JL, that would not be an affair, though. In order to qualify as an affair, there must be a romantic relationship. Your wife had crushes, which Dr H would NOT recommend exposing. Rather, she needs to establish good boundaries around men.

And I would most certainly make SURE you follow this program and create a romantic marriage. Are you doing that?

Yes we are all in with MB principles. Good boundaries in place. No problems now. Just interested in how these could be handled in a current situation.

There is an article about crushes but I can't remember where it is. The advice was that she should a) tell her husband and b) stay away from the source of the crush and c)never tell that person about the crush.

I wonder if this would still happen if she were madly in love with you? That is why I asked if you are using the program. Have her feelings exceeded the romantic threshhold?

There are lots of clips in the radio archives dealing with attractions outside of marriage, where a spouse becomes very attracted to someone who is not their spouse.

The plan Dr. Harley recommends is:

1.) PORH - tell your spouse of this attraction.
2.) Do NOT tell anyone else of this attraction.
3.) The spouse makes sure to NOT see this person again.

These boundaries, along with making sure all the intimate ENs are being met and all LB are avoided, will ensure that the attraction is between spouses within the marriage.

Here: How to Avoid an Affair no.1

Its not currently happening. Sorry for the confusion. Only in distant past. I've always wondered though how to handle this situation if it came up again. Or as another example how would you handle a husband who is obsessed with someone like Kate Upton? (I'm not........really)

JL24,

Is this "family friend" still in your life, or does he still associate with WWs relatives?

God Bless
Gamma

No. Haven't seen him for probably 20 years. My wife self disclosed this situation while recovering from her EA/PA in 2008.

She does still watch the TV show with the star she is obsessed with is on. (Leland from Dog The Bounty Hunter).

Are you enthusiastic about her watching that show?

Kind of a tough one. She does tend to watch some TV shows I don't like and this one doesn't bother me any more than others. She likes the Housewives of NY, Kardasians, 16 and pregnant and those type of shows and I can't stand them. Not sure that is a hill to die on with POJA though??? I just don't like the shows.

Does it bother you that she obsesses about Leland?

Have you told her (PORH) that her "crush" on Leland bothers you?

How is your UA time?

I'm not sure she still obsesses over him. I haven't seen the same types of obsessive behavior since we started recovery. No more going to appearances, no more viewing fan videos, etc. She just still watches the show. And to be honest half of the shows he isn't even on. We discussed the situation on 2008 and she did agree that it was hurtful.

Our UA time is good. No big issues at this time.

One thing I have heard said here is that after full disclosure has been made the BS should never again bring up the affair. I know this isn't a classic affair but it was damaging to our marriage. I'm not sure it would be a good idea or even fair to discuss it now, especially when I don't think there is a problem anymore. Why drudge up the past over a slight twinge from me?

If you had all your questions answered about the affair then do not bring it up.

How much UA time are you getting a week and is it out of the house?

Could it be more of triggers that you're dealing with? Does your FWW make you feel safe in your M? Is she's meeting your ENs?

We did just relocate to another state and its a little strain on everything and everyone. I have never found any evidence of her sliding backwards in my occasional checks. Recently I do find myself being triggered by her cell phone and texting lately. Again no evidence of anything when I check.

We have not been able to build the support system in our new location yet so UA time is hard do to children. We do get out weekly on our own. Everything else is okay so it may just be me.