They can't do this, yet. They haven't even STARTED eliminating their lovebusters. Negotiation requires that lovebusters be eliminated FIRST.

Her transparency is also in question. POJA will not work if she is using her phone to contact OM somehow ... First things first, klove.

RNR, what do you think about the polygraph idea? You need to know if your wife is being completely transparent with you ...

Yeasterday was one of the worst days since this all began, I was not feeling good at all. When I got home I just wanted to be with my wife and she shut me out compleatly. She would not even give me a hug when I walked through the door. I'm not feeling well at all right now, she doesn't want to be around me. I just tried to talk to her before i go to work, she just said she doesnt want to talk to me. So now i have to go through another day of work with all this wondering on my mind. I will look into a polygraph but I don't know where they would offer that sort of thing around here. I am really getting a bad feeling, she would rather play games on her phone than be with me, it feels like when I first came home from the rig right before I found out about the A. She is doing the same things, pushing me aside and playing with her phone/iPad at the time.

Ok, so she's in withdrawal. While you work on making sure that there's no contact, you can also work on not committing Lovebusters. A recently WW wife can be in withdrawal (that is, her love bank is closed to you) because she's still in contact and/or because of her husband's Lovebusters or perhaps she just recently cut off the affair. Do all you can to remove the first two reasons.

Today's your day to be cool. Don't come home angry or demanding or disrespectful today. Work on thinking about how to remove all avenues for contact. Like I said, if you require a polygraph, get it set up as soon as possible.

Dr. Harley says that when the spouse comes out of withdrawal, they may come out with their dukes up, although he doesn't suggest that. Once you verify that the affair is truly over, your most difficult job will be waiting for you: don't answer Lovebusters of hers with ones of your own.

Both things have to be taken care of: no contact, no Lovebusters.

For polygraph you can ca the local police department and ask them about it. Also, what games does she play on her phone and iPad? Will she be willing to put a my logger on the iPad? I know some games like words with friends have instant chat and she could be using that to chat with POSOM. A key logger would let you know that. Also, what was your plan for dealing with your angry outbursts? If she is indeed in contact with POSOM what will you do? AO would be a bad idea. Any word on the NC letter? Did you order the books? Email the radio show? On yesterday's show Dr. Harley recommend that the BS and WS should take a 1-2 week vacation without children and focus on UA time and avoiding lovebusters. Can you do this? She ever ask you how you felt about her blocking the Facebook app? Since you both have smartphones you should download the radio show app its free. Listen together before you go to bed good advice there and it's free. It's called Marriage Builders Radio.

Thanks, I will download the app. As for FB, no it is not blocked, it's still access able through the safari browser. It's impossible to block on a iPhone.

RNR, in working the program, you guys are going to be scheduling time to be with each other and meet each other's emotional needs.

But first, have all the details about the affair been revealed? Did you get stuck trying to decide what questions to ask?

I still don't have any idea what I nee to know. My wife is not talkin to me. She said she has her own demons to deal with first. I'm left alone now.

RNR, this is really weird.

One possibility is that she has had some form of contact with the OM. Or possibly viewed some reminder of him. This would likely cause her to withdraw from you like this.

Another possibility is that you did or said something that she found demanding, disrespectful, or angry.

Maybe if she posts again here it will shed more light.

Meanwhile, snoop like a bloodhound for any signs of renewed contact with the affair partner.

You need to know exactly who the OM is, full name, etc.

You need to know how the affair started.

You need to know how and where the affairees met and made contact during the affair.

You need to know if there's ever been anyone else. If so, you need to know the same details for them.

I already know most of this stuff.

You may be done or mostly done, then. What else do you think you might want to know?

She didn't give you her phone when you got home from work?

What about asking her to have a dumb phone?

Also here. Polygraph Testing

My W just made a massive mistake. I told her I wanted to begin to not talk about the A. I told her I will now deal with it and move on. She said she was going to send me a timeline, I said I did not want it. She insisted and I kept telling her no, I'm not ready and I don't want it. She sent it anyway, there are things here that I did not want to see, I was not ready to see but she totally went against my wishes and forced it upon me. I feel sick, I'm not sure how this is going to end up for me now. I did not want this forced upon me and she did not care at all. I actually pleaded that I not get it but it came anyway. I don't feel good at all.

I did not need not want this force feed to me.

You need to first get the full truth of the affair BEFORE you stop talking about it. If you don't have the basic facts, you tend to wonder. NOW that you know everything, you can move to the next step.

"The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. ". http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2311122#Post2311122

No, I said I was not ready and did not want it. She decided for me that I was getting it now.

WW did the right thing but went about it in a wrong way. You should seize this opportunity. It seems she is eager to work the program. Your approach seems to be sweep it under the rug. You need to know this information so you can set up extraordinary precautions (EPs) to prevent contact and future affairs.

Are you reading Dr. Harley's information and getting familiarized with the program? The more you know of the affair the more effective your EPs will be to prevent contact and possible an another affair. People have affairs because their needs aren't met and they have the opportunity to have a SSL (second secret life) Thats is the purpose of transparency. Did you ask her about the FB access and dumbing down her phone? You still haven't asnwered my question. Have your emailed the radio show? Are you and your WW enthusiastic about being callers? What steps have you taken to get your anger under control? Time away just you and your wife?

I would really encourage you to talk such plans over on this board first before telling her things like that. I don't want you to make a misstep that might hinder recovery.

Also, you guys don't want to have a fight! Fights have got to be avoided at all costs, even if somebody makes a mistake!!! Seriously, put away the nuclear weapons (demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts).