Thank you TD.

As you know, this is step 1:

Have you thoroughly answered all of his questions to his satisfaction?

Have you come clean on all the facts of the A?

Is there ANYTING at all that you are still hiding from him?

The last thing you want to do is for facts to trickle out over time. This will set you back to square 1.

First you are going to have to come to grips that this is a marathon not a race. 2-5years to recover.

The biggest help that my FWW does for me is to be completely and radically honest, reassure me daily that she does not have a SSL, no hidden email accounts, no secret phone, no one is making LB deposits besides me, schedule and document our UA, meet my EN�s.

This would be a great start for you.

Do you ask him everyday "what you can do for him" "what does he need from you"?

Yes - All questions have been answered, there were some things BS wanted done regarding OM and past criminal activities and I was leary about speaking with police, however - I did so and it's done.
There will be NO "trickle truth" from me.

I do now BH, I hadn't always but I make a point through out the day to ask, we text frequently to just "check" in and we get a chance to speak to each other on the phone a few times during breaks as well.

Sounds like a good start indeed - thank you for the advice.

The best thing you can do for your husband is to build a romantic marriage with him. This is part of Just Compensation, and when you have achieved it, the "bad thoughts" and resentment will go away.

Have the two of you started going on dates yet?

WE DID!!!! We went on our "first" this past Saturday to a movie and then Sunday we had a "coffee" date at Second Cup! - it was sooo nice (until he had some "bad thoughts")

You need to start going on 4 dates a week, 4 hours each, concentrating on meeting the 4 Intimate Emotional Needs (Conversation, Affection, Recreational Companionship, and ending with Sexual Fulfillment). Will you do that?

Has he started Anger Management? I know he found a place to go, but has he actually started the classes yet?

Not yet - the next level 1 course is 2 days and runs July 6 & 13.
I spoke with a counsellor this am - they won't let BS attend my sessions with me - so I guess we have to look elsewhere - I think it's imperative for him to be on board and aware at all times with what's happening as far as my impulse control - as a nurse, I don't see how how it's a FOIP breech if its ME requesting he attend.
Really discouraged right now

Good on finding another one.

I'm very involved in my H treatment and go to every appointment. It was just one of the many good advice HHH gave me.

Will you do this?

Yes, 15 hours a week - can some of the dates be at home? As long as the kids are away? Or do we have to leave the house?

Yeah, people's buttholes pucker at thoughts of HIPPA and whatever else.

But, you are EXACTLY RIGHT; by involving him in your mental health plan-of-care, you are being Radically Honest and Transparent.

Also; wouldn't you say that his participation in your plan of care is a demonstration of care?


These things are part of an open, honest, and interdependent marriage as far as I'm concerned.

Dr. Harley recommends that these dates be out of the house. Will you do that?

The PORH is not for the purpose of blasting our spouses with our terrible thoughts about the recent tragedy. The PORH is so spouses can really get to know and more fully understand the other. It's so we can let our spouse know when something bothers us and to respectfully voice our complaints.

Once your H has all the necessary details of your affair, it does no good in the least to keep bringing it up in the spirit of Radical Honesty. I did that, too. I finally had to simply learn to swallow my words. It only made both of us miserable for me to keep bringing it up. Bringing up the mistakes of the past in an enemy of good conversation. He will feel miserable about the affair until your marriage improves. Recovery takes a couple of YEARS, at the minimum. Talking about it keeps bringing the agony into the present. He has to stop talking about it.

When he brings it up again, ask him to stop, "Honey, this conversation is becoming very unpleasant for me. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you and want our future to be wonderful. Please don't talk about my failure anymore." Say it calmly and respectfully.

If he persists, then, again respectfully, tell him, "I need to step away from this conversation now." And then leave.

It's hard; it's very hard for the BS to stop talking about it, but it truly is absolutely necessary.

Talking about the A will not bring recovery faster; it will ruin the present.


Have you both looked at the potential schedule and carefully carved out your UA hours? This needs to be done. And you both need to agree on the job, ensuring that the job is supporting the marriage and not the other way around.


Your H will need to practice the habit of replacing the bad thoughts with more helpful ones. I had to constantly, as in many times a day, tell myself, often out loud, to look at what FWH is doing NOW. I've practiced this so much for the last couple of years that I hardly ever think about how awful he was for a while. I think of what a terrific man he has become instead.

When your H is feeling badly, he should come to you for comfort, as in a hug or holding each other. He may weep spontaneously or just look terribly sad. Go to him and just hold him. There are times, thankfully rare these days, when my loss comes into my thoughts. My H knows it simply by seeing my face. Even then we don't talk about it, he simply holds me.

Recovery and restoration is a process.

This is excellent advice:

BS and I have had a quite the day. He has not registered for his classes as he was supposed to, he had said he would put me on the lease but now as we move onto our third month of reconcillation he still refuses to but would like me to continue to contribute to half the bills, he told me and I quote "This is not my mess to fix, it's all yours to clean up, I just have to allow it to happen", he's also just texted and said he's accepted the rig job -
I'm truly at a loss right now, I do t know what he wants.