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WH left me after almost 30 years of marriage. Children grown. Deeply affected. Have not seen WH in 11 months. Living with OW since 1 month after they met. We do not talk. Since February WH has been sending me texts SUGGESTING he has made a mistake to a degree, misses me, blah blah blah...My comment was say what you have to say. He never has been a good communicator. While the texts to me do not specifically say he wants to reconcile....Its obvious by comments made to others...Anyway...I told him no more talk unless he moves out from OW house.
NOW! I told him I am going to show OW all texts...he says show her...
COMMENTS?
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Joined: Dec 2011
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If you want to reconcile your marriage, I would write him a very loving letter inviting him back into your life, but with the following conditions.
1) No contact with the OW ever again. He must first write a letter that you preview. And it must must be sent/e-mailed in your presence.
2) He must give you the details of the affair.
3) He must read Dr. Harley books, and put the policy of joint agreement, radical honesty, and undivided attention (20 hours a week of time together meeting each others emotional needs).
4) He must abide by the extraordinary precautions you have for him, which include:
a. no opposite sex friendships.
b. no social networks.
c. no passwords on the computer or cell phone.
d. he allows you to have spyware on those devices
e. polygraph (if there are things you need to do and you doubt he will be honest about them)
If he agrees to meet these, you can start dating again and go from there. If he won't do it, and you are ready to move on, then ask him not to contact you anymore, and go into Plan B.
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Joined: Jun 2013
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Im more curious as to why he says go ahead send her the texts...I don't know why I'm curious but why would he urge me to do that???
I don't want to reconcile unless he does obviously and he won't come right out and say...
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Threads merged. Please post on one thread in future.
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Joined: Dec 2011
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Have you been in Plan A already before he left? How long have you known about Marriage Builders?
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Joined: Jun 2013
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Not in plan A then or now.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Apples, I would show her the texts AND send your husband the letter. What will happen is that they will have a big fight, make up and then you won't hear from him for a while. But the affair will be in a free fall and I predict he may be back soon.
As far as the letter, I like Just's suggestion, but I would send a very loving, PLAN B letter. You need the last thing on his mind to be a pleasant memory so you need a pleasant letter. Use the standard Plan B letter and keep your conditions vague, such as "end all contact with the OW for life," and "commit to the MB program."
Have you exposed the affair to everyone?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Can you tell us more about what happened? Has he ever had an affair before? How did he meet the OW?
Have you exposed the affair to everyone?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I hope I am responding in the right place  HE exposed the affair to everyone....I just corrected the reasons why hes done it to the people who were misinformed Im not sure he wants to reconcile and with my brain like it is don't want to say to him honey this honey that only to be shot down. Speaking of my brain....May be morbid curiosity but why if he is still with OW would he want me to produce these texts to her??? Apples, I would show her the texts AND send your husband the letter. What will happen is that they will have a big fight, make up and then you won't hear from him for a while. But the affair will be in a free fall and I predict he may be back soon.
As far as the letter, I like Just's suggestion, but I would send a very loving, PLAN B letter. You need the last thing on his mind to be a pleasant memory so you need a pleasant letter. Use the standard Plan B letter and keep your conditions vague, such as "end all contact with the OW for life," and "commit to the MB program."
Have you exposed the affair to everyone?
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HE exposed the affair to everyone....I just corrected the reasons why hes done it to the people who were misinformed You mean he spun the story to everyone?  This is why we always tell the betrayed spouse to expose the affair. HAve you exposed the affair to your children? What about the rest of your family? Her family?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He beat me to it! Yes, he spun it to everyone. He exposed it to his 28 year old daughter who I have been estranged from for years and shes happy. He and the OW exposed themselves to my 24 y/o daughter by allowing her to see and hear them carrying on at a street gathering on our block...My family is all deceased...His family says whatever makes him happy and her family scum like her...So..... HE exposed the affair to everyone....I just corrected the reasons why hes done it to the people who were misinformed You mean he spun the story to everyone? This is why we always tell the betrayed spouse to expose the affair. HAve you exposed the affair to your children? What about the rest of your family? Her family?
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He met her in a bar. As he met his last OW...Yes, 2 affairs; last one 9 years ago. Said he did it cuz he wasn't getting it....I told him he wasn't getting it cuz he was drunk every nite....Yes, functioning alcoholic. Can you tell us more about what happened? Has he ever had an affair before? How did he meet the OW?
Have you exposed the affair to everyone?
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apples, I would go into Plan B, which is a completely dark separation. His affair is crumbling and with you out of the picture, it will crumble faster because he won't be able to come to you. I would start this off by sending him a Plan B letter.
Before you do that, send the texts to the OW and throw some conflict into the affair. Then shut the door on your husband by sending him a love letter giving him conditions to open up contact with you.
Do you have the book Survving an Affair? If not, go download it on kindle for PCs [or on your kindle or ipad if you have it]
There is a "PLan B" letter in that book that you should pattern your own letter after. It will help alot if you read that book because you will understand some of the things we are telling you. It is a quick read.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Downloading now... But why would he egg me on to send OW the texts???? Doesn't make any sense... apples, I would go into Plan B, which is a completely dark separation. His affair is crumbling and with you out of the picture, it will crumble faster because he won't be able to come to you. I would start this off by sending him a Plan B letter.
Before you do that, send the texts to the OW and throw some conflict into the affair. Then shut the door on your husband by sending him a love letter giving him conditions to open up contact with you.
Do you have the book Survving an Affair? If not, go download it on kindle for PCs [or on your kindle or ipad if you have it]
There is a "PLan B" letter in that book that you should pattern your own letter after. It will help alot if you read that book because you will understand some of the things we are telling you. It is a quick read.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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He met her in a bar. As he met his last OW...Yes, 2 affairs; last one 9 years ago. Said he did it cuz he wasn't getting it....I told him he wasn't getting it cuz he was drunk every nite....Yes, functioning alcoholic. Well, that is a very different story. You can't ever recover your marriage unless he stops drinking. When you send the Plan B letter, I would make that the #1 condition: that he stop drinking for life and get help for his drinking problem.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Here you go. I would put in the Plan B letter that he must stop drinking and join AA. How to Plan B Correctly
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Downloading now...
But why would he egg me on to send OW the texts???? Doesn't make any sense... He might be hoping the OW will throw him out because he needs a new flop house.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also, he is calling your bluff about sending the texts to OW because he thinks you won't.
Did you send them to her yet?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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But why would he egg me on to send OW the texts???? Doesn't make any sense... Crazy people don't make sense, Apples.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Apples, do you have a legal separation/divorce agreement so you are legally protected? Does he support you? Do you share bank accounts?
Do you have any minor children?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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