I have been married for 10 1/2 years. My wife had talked on the phone and text a guy about 4 years ago and became emotionally involved. She never admitted to even meeting the guy in person so I never really found out what happened for sure.

About 2 weeks ago I found out she was texting a guy and exchanging pics as well as talking to him on the phone. This time I was not going to be satisfied until I knew everything because I never really got over the first instance. Well she confessed to the affair and advised she did have sex (she swears just 1 time) and spoke to the guy via text pretty much every day. I will say that our relationship had gotten pretty bad before this happened as my emotions had pretty much been turned off (we dealt with a loss of a child and I went into a box really) and I know I wasnt't there for her as she needed and I undestand that is ultimately why it happened.

We have decided to try and work it out. I know this is what I want and she swears it is what she wants. She has been pretty honest since she finally revealed the affair so I believe this is what she wants. I have some issues that I need help coping with and was hoping I could get some advice. She shared with me that she made the decision before I found out about the affair that she didnt to continue the affair and only wanted the other man to be her friend. This is sort of something I am struggling with as well because she has come to the realization that he really stopped responding to her once she said she wanted him as her friend and nothing else. She feels like he used her and doesn't want her as a friend and I don't know how to get over if this factored in her decision to want to work it out with me. I sort of feel like she only wanted to work it out with me because he didn't want her. She still says she has emotions for him because its impossible not to even though she claims its only as a close friend.

The second major issue I am struggling with is getting over the emotion that I feel regarding the fact that she was actually able to have a relationship with someone else and ultimately have sex with them (this is the biggie for me). I have had several instances in the past where women have thrown themselves at me and I could never bring myself to go through with the ultimate betrayal in my mind. I am really struggling with the idea/fact that she was.

Any advice on how to handle this or any advice would be much appreciated.


Also sorry to add this in but I started this post before lunch and finished after. I went to lunch with my wife and we started arguing and fighting. She brought up something in the past that hurt her and my feelings about what happened still hurt her. I have told her and told her just now that if it hurt her I am sorry but that still doesn't mean my feelings have changed on the subject. All I can say is these are my feelings and if she doesn't agree and gets hurt by those feelings I am sorry. Needless to say she got defensive, shut off and insists this is what led to her taking the friendship with the other man to a sexual nature. She still believes it was justified and that all the emotional support I fell short of coupled with this instance of not utterly supporting her view completely caused her to cheat. I know in her mind she still feels like her actions were justified and I don't know how to handle that. She has really insibuated that she doesn't believe her actions were uncalled for or a real big deal.

Any advice on this would also be appreciated.

Thanks.

Welcome to MB.

Please read this.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Sorry for your pain that has brought you here. I'm also very sorry about the loss of your child.

Who is this OM? Is he married?

Did you expose? Has she written a NC letter? Have you been tested for STDs?

How many children do you have? Their ages?

Thanks for the link. I have read the articles actually before I even discovered this board.

The OM works for the same company as me but I don't know him. My wife works for the same company as us but in a different location. She met him when she was feeling in for someone at our location and does work over here occaisionally but not often (like once or twice a month). It kinda stinks because her joh requires her to see him briefly when she's over here but only for a few seconds while she drops some ppwk off with him several times during the day. He is single she said. She said she feels like she always knew she could never be with him because of our kids but thats about it. When she is in a good mood she has said her emotions for him cannot compare to her love for me.

I exposed the affair yes but she came clean after a couple of days of fighting and has told me anything I've wanted to know. She has not written an NC letter but after reading the articles I asked if she would and she said she would if I wanted her to. I have not been tested at this point (its been a blur of about 2 weeks). She swears it was only once and protection was used but I do know I still must get tested.

We have 3 children now 7, 6 and 4. Our oldest daughter passed away in 2009 and she would have been 9 this year.

We have been fighting here and there for last couple of weeks (about this issue) but I have been trying to be a better husband. I just read the articles yesterday and have discovered I was already doing most of what was in them but am going to try what I havent. I feel like she is taking advantage of me a bit and throwing a fit when I don't cater to her every want. Yesterday she was in a good mood and said she would read these articles because I told her they explain my feelings about almost everything pretty dead on. Today she says she doesn't want to read them (I'm pretty sure because she's mad). All in all I really think she doesn't like the feeling of being portrayed as a bad guy and deep down I still think my lack of emotional support for her over the years justifies her actions and that we are even. (I have felt lack of emotional support as well and I know the difference in the feelings but she has never had to deal with infidelity from me so I know she doesn't understand what I'm going through.)

You need to get his name and expose on his side.

Who did you expose to?

You also need to expose to their job and she must quit her job.

Did you read the exposure 101 thread? It has the workplace exposure templates.

If she is serious about recovery then she will do what it takes.

You must stop arguing. I know it hurts, but you must stop.

Did you read the Carrot and Stick of Plan A?

When and to whom?

I read the exposure article but the problem with the exposure is I think it would hurt me more than either of them. I am in management in this company and her and him are not. I don't want our workplace to know about this because he has nothing to lose (honestly, I think it would make him look cool sleeping with a bosses wife) and it would cause me alot of embarrassment and make me look like a fool. It would cause her embarrassment as well but I don't think it would cause her more than me.

About the arguing I don't try to go along with them or start them. She keeps bringing up past experiences that hurt her and then gets mad and shuts off. I try to discuss them with her but she already has her mind made up on them and she can't discuss things without fighting and shutting down.

I havent read the carrot and stick but that will be my afternoon reading I suppose.

I am a real distant person so I don't have any relationships aside from my wife and family. I exposed to my family and she did to her family and friends seeking advice on what to do. Whats odd is they all support me and because of this she has distanced herself from them and stopped talking to them about it once they told her she was wrong. I think she is looking for someone to agree with her that what she did was justified and she hasn't been able to.

Listen to BrainHurts, listen to the veterans here
Exposure to all- read up on it.
If she is serious = No contact letter, quit her job, physically move if necessary, Polygraph, STD test, extraordinary precautions(no men friends, open or no social media, no passwords, etc)
Men friends, that is a myth that so many women think is possible, it is not.

There is no excuse for an affair, that is fog babble justification.

Waywards do not like people that tell them they are wrong or doing wrong and will shut them out.
Sounds like she is either still in the affair, or at least going through some withdrawls.
Remember waywards lie, lie, lie. Usually only admitting to the very minimum to protect themselves further embarrassment.

Many people have major difficulty getting past the betrayal, one of the first steps for this is the polygraph.

It will be a roller coaster of emotions, so brace yourself. I dont think you fully realize this yet. You are just starting a potentially wild ride.

You do realize that every time she sees him at work the affair is active and back to day 1?

She must quit that job.

What is more important: work or your marriage? An honest question you need to answer with no right or wrong answer.

I agree and I believe she is probably in the withdrawal mode. I know the communication has stopped because I have access to her phone and social media records.

I don't know how to get her to the point that she wants to commit to really working on it at this point. She seems to be going along with it but gets mad about something and shuts down.

Why would she commit to working on it when she is still in an active affair?

I understand this. She doesn't work with him. She works in a completely different location where she does not see him. The only time she would ever see him is if she fills in at a different location (because she is a trained backup for someone at a different location). The filling in would be very rare like once or or twice a month for 1 day at a time at the most.

I am at this same location as the OM and I know she will only see teh guy about twice during those days for no more than 10-20 seconds at a time. In your opinions is this risking too much?

I agree our marriage is more important but I cannot throw my responsibility as a father and provider out the window. Jeopardizing our professional careers would also jeopardize our ability to provide a home and meet the needs of our children and ourselves. I understand its an easy thing to say without considering the problems it would create.

TSM,

Sorry you are here, can you get OM fired?

Expose OM to everyone, does he have a wife?

God Bless
Gamma

I don't know if I could get the OM fired. I probably could if I tried but he has done nothing wrong in the workplace. He doesn't even know I work at the same company according to my wife. She swears that he has no knowledge of who I am. It is not against our HR policy to have an interoffice relationship as long as one does not directly supervise the other.

I do "understand" how hard it is to have to possibly choose. Most BS with affairs in the workplace face this decision.

The fact is that in order to deal with this there will be repercussions at your job. Are you ready for that? Or are you just willing to work in the same building as the scumbag that your wife is involved with?

Also never forget its a job. You work to live not live to work. I can guarantee you that you can "provide a home and meet the needs of our children and ourselves" elsewhere.

Yah he did....... He boinked the bosses wife. Thats "wrong" no matter where you work.

Also he does know who you are. Your wife is trying to protect him.