I'm not icon-handy but there's quite a few I'd like to use in my answer here.

First, where's the icon of the little red man bashing his head repeatedly against the wall?!


He does NOT get to refuse anything or set conditions! He should be grovelling and desperately pleading and agreeing to every single thing you ask of him. WHY? Well, let's see

- he left you
- went back to his ex
- had an OC with the ex
- returned to you and told you your upset feelings about his flagrant abuse of your feelings were your fault
- then he-who-cannot-keep-his-pants-zipped had an affair with a woman at his work (and I'll bet there are many more like her hidden in the woodwork)
- and he keeps telling you that it is all your fault that you're upset...

And now he's setting conditions?

I mean, come on!


I am not seeing ANY humility.


Again, he's setting conditions. Good heavens, it's incredible.


He'll never calm down enough because he's as guilty as sin. He's stringing you along, Atlanta.


Oh, where's the WAAAAAAHmbulance? It's all about him and he cares not a whit for your feelings.


He's jumpy because he's guilty as sin and he's starting to realise that you're not quite as gullible and confused as you used to be.


There should be NO "but" in that sentence. He's not humble, Atlanta.


Are you honestly standing there and letting him tell you this nonsense? Even MY blood pressure is rising as I read this.


He's got NO RIGHT to be resentful, Atlanta. Obviously you would not be having tirades if he wasn't gaslighting you to the point of insanity.


Umm, I reckon you've hit the nail on the head there.


NO!

And the photo story? It STINKS to high heaven. It stinks worse than our garbage bin after it sat in the hot sun for a week with 5 kg of prawn shells. [insert green vomiting guy icon]

And then he doesn't miss a single opportunity to pile on MORE abuse:


and then you say


Where's Melody's little man falling over in incredulity?

Atlanta, you're falling for the gaslighting again! You should tell him that you'll be asking him about the photo situation in the polygraph.

So, I'll add my vote to the many who already answered to your post: GO TO PLAN B, Atlanta!

And make it a real Plan B this time.

Oh dear. I don't pick up on things they way you guys do. My body reacts, though.

I am having symptoms of high blood pressure I think. Dizziness, vertigo when I move my head suddenly. Exhaustion, heart pounding a mile a minute for days. Involuntary trembling of my hands and body.

I guess I keep coming back here to get re aligned.

My IM passed through his exact message, that he was agreeing to everything.

Once in discussion, he refused to talk to Dr. Harley, because he doesn't believe in the online/telephone aspect and wants face to face.

This is all a BIG FAT LOAD OF NOTHING. The point, my dear, is to stay in Plan B until he is serious. He is not even in the same universe as serious. I seriously doubt he will EVER BE serious because he views you as an occasional option and not a wife.

Atlanta,

END THIS so you can proceed with your life and find someone who can give you genuine love and whom you can trust and confide in.

Your wasting time get moving on your divorce and don't look back.

Your WH is a sadist, any changes he makes are cynical tricks.

God Bless
Gamma

These are signs of high stress, my dear. I know that you have had a fractured youth - your mother was stable but others were not. It's a pattern I see here on MB sometimes and your entire thread makes me wonder if you grew up to see abnormal behavior from others as normal, you grew up thinking that you should behave in this submissive and accepting way to get your needs met because you have been surrounded with waywards since your formative years?

And later perhaps you actually chose abusive people to meet your needs. Your knew their wild rules, they made sense to you some how - at least, they looked familiar. You thought that if you cared enough, were tolerant enough, bent over enough, they would finally give you the minimum that you needed.

As you have seen, the callousness and selfishness of waywards seems to have no bounds.


Honestly, the key is that your WH talks to Dr. H. If Dr. H cannot set him on the right path, then I will be telling you to WALK AWAY toute suite.

Your WH cannot decide anything, he is not driving the recovery bus, you are. He MUST talk and counsel with Dr. H. No body else. He's so wayward, I can't see anything else working.

As Gamma said, you really should consider your alternatives here.

And please go back in plan B. Whar are your plans at this stage?

And thank you Prisca for filling in the missing icons! In fact, your your post said it all!

My plan.. well people here are outlining for me what they believe is likely to have the best outcome.

I am tired out on him. Don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't actually care what he does at this point or any other point, as long as it doesn't effect me. He can stick it.

I am calling my lawyer in the morning and will ask him to file the divorce.

How's it going, Atlanta?

It's not going well.
It turns out I have athsma so when I have been having panic attacks, my air becomes restricted and I guess I didn't realize. I have to use an inhaler now when the upset happens. Not being able to breathe has added to the panic.

I have had to be in mediation with him. It's not going well. He is trying to fight the divorce on the basis that he is not ready to give up.

Unfortunately he is still not remorseful and he is very blaming.

I don't have anything to work with.

What is the point.

WHY do you have to be in mediation with him?

What about going back to plan B? Everything you need from him is in your plan B letter. He's not doing ANYTHING you have asked of him, worse he is arguing about every detail. This is the road to the nuthouse for you.

DON'T ARGUE WITH HIM. Let him work it out and PROVE to you that he is willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and loved.

I feel sad for you that you are suffering like this. Help yourself, Atlanta. Plan B!

The mediation was court orders. I did as I was legally required to do.

As far as plan B, what is the point? I was perfectly willing to wait him out, but as you said, he has not been serious. He says to my IM he is ready to do as asked, I talk to him and its full on debate.

My own point of view was/is he IS moving in the direction I asked him to. And that he has been testing me.

But I come here and disclose what is happening and I get people posting icons banging their heads against a wall and generally cutting me down. All roads according to what I am told here lead to HE IS WORTHLESS AND WILL NEVER BE MORE THAN A SERIAL CHEATER. DIVORCE HIM!! DID YOU FILE DIVORCE!??? (more headbanging icons) DID YOU FORCE HIM TO AGREE TO COUNSEL WITH DR HARLEY AND NO OTHER THERAPIST ON THE PLANET? NO??!! OMG YOU ARE FAILING. DIVORCE HIM!!

Ok I am divorcing someone I love. Now everyone can stop pressuring me, making my life hopeless and I am done.

So why Plan B? I can't tell if he is serious until I TALK to him. And every time I talk to him, I get told off here and made out like I am an idiot. I am not an idiot. And I am kind of mad at some of you.

Atlanta14, I am sorry for your continued pain and frustration. The position you are in is very difficult and brought on by circumstances that are not your fault.

I have not previously posted on your thread and I have not yet read through it, but my experience on this forum is that the vets offering advise are doing it with a BS's best interest in mind. The vets have seen it all and heard it all before. I know first hand that it is not always easy to hear that we "new" BS's are not handling our WS's the best way possible, I do not enjoy it either.

I truly hope that your marital status works out in a way that is best for you and one in which you can be happy. I am confident that that is what all of the vets posting here want for you as well.

I've been following your thread and I am about to be brutally honest. I think you love and like the drama for this simple reason, your not in Plan B. Plan B is you healing your wounds without having them ripped open as they are clotting by your silly WH. You need a new IM, he says he's ready and you contact him and its a debate?! He knows what he is doing and your playing into his hand. A proper Plan B would of been telling your IM to tell WH what proof/actions has he done to show he's serious. Other than his useless flowery words. WH would then have to provide said PROOF.

For instance, if he's a alcoholic (not saying he is) a certificate from AA saying he completed the course. You wade right back onto the battlefied with a knife and he has a gun. You get shot and almost killed recuperate a little bit and play the cycle all over. Courts don't order mediation either its mutual, at least in my state.

Step one, get a proper Plan B plan! Step two, get a better IM, Step three don't believe all those lies about working on marriage without verification and proof, Step 4 TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, Step 5 find a new hobby or exercise plan to keep your self healthy and get some rest, Step 6 get rid of all mementos of WH in your dwelling. Pictures, letters, cards etc. I know its hard but your Plan C (confusion) isn't working in your favor or the favor of your marriage.

edit: You feel angry at some of the posters because they aren't participating in your "pity party". You get good advice and on the words of your WH you go against said advice the complain about how your hurting. Believe me everyone here has and/or going through the same pain of betrayal. I really empathize with you but at a certain point you need to realize you can't control your WH just how you react to his foolish actions and choices. Right now you decide to wallow in it by communicating with him while he is ripping you heart out.

We've already told you what the point is. Continued contact is detrimental to you.

It is your IM's job to determine if he is serious, not yours.

I'm sorry that you're upset. No, you're not an idiot, but you ARE in a fog because you are addicted to WH. You are not seeing clearly. We want you to be happy and keep seeing you being sucked back into the vortex of your addiction and the resultant suffering.

So we all come onto your thread and each one of us gives you a little sharp nudge (eg head-banging icon) to try to bring you out of your dangerous self-harming behaviour. We do it because we care.

If your WH is slowly starting to come out his waywardness, as you suspect, you will know it through your IM, as Prisca pointed out. It will be clear. He will show you with his ACTIONS that he is prepared to do the hard work to get you back. You've given him the directions for the way home in your plan B letter. He just has to follow them.

Hold the bar high, Atlanta. You deserve much more than he is offering at this point.

Great advise, for all Plan Ber's!

I think there was also a suggestion that you change IMs, that might help a lot.

Atlanta,

I know your husband's type. He is very skilled at making you believe that he's trying, when in reality you know in your gut he's still "debating" with you as you put it. Your husband will do "just enough" to draw you in, and then put the knife in, in some small way, all the while telling you that the problem is with you. It's a very cunning and manipulative skill they have, which is nothing but abusive, plain and simple.

I use to blame my husband for how abused I was by him, but ultimately I had to blame myself for staying in that abusive situation, compounding my own pain.

You're mad because you don't think we understand, but we do. I know his type.

Only a pure plan B will fix this for you. I think you're just so abused and tired you can't make a move.

And btw, in Florida, we HAVE to mediate if we can't settle on our own, before we go before a judge to decide.

However, I didn't even have to be in the same room with my exWH when we mediated. I asked to not be in the same room with him, and my attorney had the mediator put us in different rooms. The mediator was happy to oblige, and he had done that many times before.

Plan B is win-win-win.

First for your health and well being . Not only is your WH going to drive you to a nervous breakdown, but Dr Harley has seen women have long-lasting damage to their immune systems due to the distress and turmoil. THis is why he only recommends Plan A for a VERY SHORT TIME.

Secondly, regarding your M, you are in Plan C which is MOST LIKELY to lead to D. The conversations you are having are unproductive. You are just lovebusting each other.

Third, you are in a *betrayed* state, because of the abuse you have suffered for so long, you are showing your H the worst parts of yourself...not the best. Again, not good if you are still holding out hope for your M. Get healthy and only present yourself to him when he is serious about recovery = you will be at your best, rather than your worst (ie, lovebusting him).

But the most important thing is your health and well-being, not your M. Your health is not worth putting at risk, Atlanta. You can't see the big picture here, because you are emotionally invested in this man - we are not.

We 2x4 you because patting people on the backs while they are making poor decisions doesn't work. Sometimes 2x4's are the only way to shake people out of their foggy decision making!!