X1000

Bingo. NG comes right to the point.

Never gave up. I was wrong, she never left. She was on the balcony most of the night crying, I mean she was hurting bad. She said she was incredibly sorry and wants to do whatever it takes to be with me, she's terrified that I'm going to end it. I don't know what to do, I don't know how I can forgive and move on, it hurts too much. I comforted her as best as I could, I told her we will be ok and I meant it. I'm just having such a hard time getting past everything.

So she was still at home all night?

If you both follow the MB plans you WILL get through this.

What are you doing about your AOs? How will you make your WW safe?

You need to make up your mind whether you want to recover or not.

If you are serious, get in touch with Dr. Harley. You need professional help.

This is a great sign!

She should be terrified you are going to throw in the towel! D is a natural consequence of A!! What does she think??? Much of your chances to R fall on her shoulders.


You don't have to forgive and move on. R using MB doesn't work that way. It is a process.


Please don't put pressure on yourself to have to 'get past everything'! This is still SO fresh for you. You are going through the worst experience of your LIFE. Be easy on yourself.


It is going to take 2-5 years my man..that is best case scenario using MB's.


The only way you are going to know if you CAN R is to take this one step at a time as you have been advised.

You can do this if both of you are committed to the same goal.

IF she is willing to go NC with this POSOM, commit to a plan of R, then give it 6mo's before you make any decisions.

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I agree with this. I don't know exactly what her reasons were for leaving, but I do know Dr Harley would have told her to leave. I don't think either of them are very serious, which makes him even more dangerous to her. Her behavior keeps him enraged and as long as he is enraged, he is likely to get violent. AND HE HAS!

This is exactly why physical and verbal abuse have to be addressed FIRST before the affair is addressed. IT is not safe to work on the affair problems until that is resolved.

x1000

RNR, her leaving was the best thing for all involved. Something really bad could have happened here.

At the very least, you both admitted to all the fighting, and it was obvious from reading both of your threads that it was out of control. Even if you complete denied having one single AO since we told you it needed to stop, not much was happening in this recovery except for lotsa lovebusting on both sides.

People really do want to help you so I hope that you will continue to post....

But are you forgetting that he said she never left?

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The power to save your mariage is in YOUR hands now. Only YOURS.

Whatever your WW has done or even intends to do now - and it may be to dissolve your M - the only way YOU can save your M right now is to BAN all further AOs on YOUR part.

Please listen. Tell us what you think.

Radio Clip How do you deal with the unfaithful spouse in the recovery process?

No, she shouldn't. I have never heard Dr. Harley nor Steve Harley advise that fear is a proper motivator to making a mutually fulfilling marriage. Also, the burden of creating a mutually fulfilling marriage falls on both sets of shoulders mutually.

The threat of divorce can't be hung out there indefinitely. It's cruel to keep the D card in hand while constantly judging them to see if they are measuring up to your standards. The one holding that card tends to turn a blind eye on what they need to do to help.

On the show last week, Dr. Harley said that when he talks of just compensation, he is not talking about providing needs without reciprocation, at least for no longer than 3 weeks for the wife. I have seen MelodyLane advise this, too, in more than one way that when the affair is dead and just compensation is made, it is time for recovery, not Plan A, not obsequiousness and sacrifice to somehow make up for the affair.

Part of the point of just compensation is to remove fear. Neither one should have fear be the base of what they do, for that is unsustainable.


And why would RNR so quickly jump to the judgemental conclusion that his wife left instead of verifying? He's assuming her motivations, thoughts, and feelings, which is the heart of disrespect.

RNR, what state do you live in?

Here Dr. Harley talks about the health of women in Plan A. It's the second part.

Radio Clip on the Health of Women in Plan A

Hey guys, in not holding the D card out there. Me and my W seem to be dedicated to this, however, I cannot seem to find the trust needed. I find myself sometimes lusting after the things that the single life offers. I don't want that life anymore but I don't want to live with these memories and constantly wondering what she "really" wants. She has not really shown me anything substantial to show that she is serious. She abandons her family for a drug dealing lowlife, left me and her parents to raise our daughter while she went out to play. How do I get by that? I will contact dr.harley. We live in Alberta,Canada

How do you get by that? Through just compensation. If she willing to abide your EP's and both of you are willing go through the recovery process as prescribed by Dr. Harley, then you will be able to restore romantic love in your relationship and the past hurts will become secondary to the great love that you share. It works. But you have to let go of the past and move forward with the plan.

I thought she was pretty serious when she agreed to you quitting your higher paying job for a much lower one so the two of you could be together every night. Financial support is huge for a withdrawn woman. She was willing to take a big hit there for the prospect of rebuilding a romantic relationship with you.

Of course, that can't be done with demands, disrespect, and anger.

When are you contacting Dr. Harley?

What are you doing about your anger?