Markos, yes I have now read them and really thought them through and intend to act on them.

Please thank Prisca for posting the link, in fact, thank you to everyone for the links, suggestions and advice.

One question please, on my husband's thread, you said for him to walk away, or words to that effect, if he feels threatened by me. I see that as good if he doesn't use it as a means to shut me out. I've taken a lot of years of him leaving me alone for hours on end at night and due to a spinal condition there are animals I cannot cover, milk I can't always get - those type of things, and he has already said MB say I can walk away. I am scared he will use this as another tactic, because he always has.

I'm not saying he will - but to be radically honest, it is one of his favorite things to do and always has. I do fear mb's being used against me to control. He knows the always running away hurts me because he would rather run away than ever apologize or anything kind.

This frightens me because whilst he is gone I have anxiety and panic attacks about what he will be like when he comes back. Fear is becoming a nightmare and I hate this anxiety that I live with.

If I try and leave - no, he doesn't want me out there in danger. I know that sounds stupid considering the danger feels more inside the house, but I think he means well.

I'm asking this question to understand how the walking away should be handled because I am tired of a man who has done this for years and it doesn't work for him so far.

Maybe it's just my fear? I don't know.

PS: I do mean him walking away when I have not made disrespectful judgements etc etc. He does it when he perceives I have attacked him - the cell phone text message is a prime example that could have escalated if he hadn't pulled himself up - and no matter how polite I was - his feelings would have him walking.

Ana, then the solution is for him to stop walking away and to STOP getting angry. Did he get the book Lovebusters as we suggested and go through the lessons?

Yes, he did. Twice. He reads here a lot as well. When I said it was as if it doesn't compute to him, I meant it honestly doesn't appear to by his actions, and yet I know him more than anyone and can say I believe he is trying, but something is stopping the brain link between the logic in the books and his emotional reactions to anything.

I am not trying to make excuses for him; just telling it like it is. I do love this man - more than he will ever know, even if he ends it between us through his actions.

Ana, I know what is stopping him: it is him. Once he makes the decision to stop it, it will stop. And as he stops it, it will become second nature because he will retrain his brain. All it takes is a decision.

Once he stops giving himself permission to get angry, it will stop.

You can help train him by not tolerating his anger. Follow Prisca's guide and he will learn to stop it.

You're right Melody. Thank you. It's as if I keep making excuses, or don't want to see the truth.

Talk about denial. Well, he's not getting away with it anymore!

Ana, see how your husband made a decision to control his temper in this situation?


Your husband caught himself immediately and did not get angry here. This is what it takes. He has to retrain his brain to stop reacting in anger.

Has he checked into Anger Management classes? The ones that teach him to RELAX when he feels anger coming on are very effective.

Yes, he did stop it there - for the first time he apologized quickly. I was shocked, but thanked him and we really did have a lovely evening.

He has agreed to anger management classes, but let's see if he carries through.

Ana, some of them work and some don't. I hope Markos can help out here, but I believe the ones that really do work are the ones that teach relaxation techniques.

Yes, according to Dr. Harley the crucial component is practicing relaxation. Any therapy technique that uses biofeedback to determine if you are relaxed and teach you to relax is valuable. Dr. Harley also recommends anger management groups as a real eye opener.

The main thing you want to avoid in anger management is anything that encourages "venting" or "getting the anger out." All that does is reinforce the habits of anger in your brain. It is not true that "getting it out" reduces angry outbursts. It makes them worse!!!

There are some articles and radio shows here on the site that talk a lot about anger management and what works and what doesn't.

It is great that he caught himself before having an angry outburst! Now he needs to do that every time! The feeling of frustration comes before the behavior (an angry outburst). He has to learn to relax when he feels frustrated and say and do NOTHING while he feels that way.

I highly, highly, highly recommend regular listening to Dr. Harley's radio show for people with angry outburst problems. He talks about it regularly. Check into the archives, too.

Thanks Markos. Ana, I suffered from angry outbursts most of my life but in the last 5-6 years have got them under control. I have successfully retrained my brain to go to a different place when I get angry. Your H can do this too.

Oddly, I never took my anger out on my husband, because I knew he wouldn't tolerate it.

That is about the same thing Dr. Harley says about himself, years ago. Joyce basically didn't know he had an anger problem, because he knew to never turn it on her.

I knew not to turn my anger on Prisca while we were dating. I remember perfectly restraining myself while driving on dates, knowing I could never show myself to be that unattractive. Then for some crazy reason once we were engaged, I expected her to put up with it. Apparently I wasn't as smart as you and Dr. Harley!!

Opera singer! I had to interject that's pretty cool.

Nothing at all wrong with saying "please stop <behavior that is hurting you>".

I just wanted to check in after the weekend. For both my husband and I this was one of the best weekends we have had for a long time.

Markos, the radio clips made sense to my husband and he said although the books made some sense to him, he felt as if something was still happening inside of him that he couldn't seem to get past. It was one clip where Dr Harley explains about the neurons in the brain and the need to rewire them - seriously, his face lit up when he told me - it was as if someone turned a light on inside his head and everything fell into place; all the reading, my reactions - everything.

He has asked me NOT to believe anything he could say about the total eradication of AO's as he said that I need to see action and not words anymore. We had more than our share of UA time and a lot of RC with laughter that was wonderful for both of us.

We also flirted a lot, but he refused SF, which at first kind of hurt me, but when he saw I clearly didn't understand he took the time out to explain that no matter how hard it is for him to decline - he has to ensure that I feel emotionally loved and cared for first. He told me he knows I am still not my old self yet and knows I need time and that he needs to show me the love he feels in an emotional way without any AO's and for me to feel his love and know I am safe.

We did discuss a few things that were not so comfortable for him, but he was kind, patient, and there was no running away or anger; just mutual understandings that made both of us happy.

I can't explain this sudden change I sense and see, and I'm not a fool. This is not like other times he has come on bended knee, so to speak, this is different. He's different all round in his life; like someone brought him back - the man I married.

Yes, it remains to be seen if he can keep this up, but I can't deny that I feel hopeful.

Melody and Markos, it's strange how we are all different with whom we show different facets of ourselves to. I'm amazed that Dr Harley's wife never knew of his anger, either. I never saw anger for 8 years - it was strange how it appeared.

Anyway, you are both so helpful to others now, and had you not gone through what you had you wouldn't be able to be so giving to others.

ItCanGetBetter - trust me, anyone who sees opera only sees the glamorous side - there's very little of that in it other than the end product, but it was a beautiful career - just not really for married people, though. That's just my opinion.

You should having SF several times a week. This will help the bonding process along immensely. Tell him that feelings FOLLOW ACTIONS so he should not wait. This will HELP you feel emotionally bonded to him.

And bravo to him for taking charge of his AO's and striving to meet your needs!! He is doing great!! He needs to just keep on doing this until it becomes HABIT.

And flirting is SO MUCH FUN, isn't it?? My H and I make MASSIVE lovebank deposits when we flirt with each other.

You are doing great, Ana!!!

Yes it does make sense to have the SF, I think he's holding back because I had an aversion to him when he was so angry. I'm amazed at how fast that can disappear when a woman feels loved.

LOL, I must admit the flirting is fun, and I've always been a big flirt with him. !

He is doing well, and this week he's working very long hours and yet still being so caring. I really feel loved and loving. He really is doing so much - and this time I'm crying because I feel good!!!

Thank you, Melody xx

He needs to let YOU guide that train based on your feelings. If you feel like it, then he should be all over that!!

Wonderful how that works, isn't it

Ana, this sounds very promising! You two keep up the good work!