I have a long story, so please bare with me. I will try to keep it as brief as I can.

I met my husband over 13 years ago. We moved in together really quickly - and we have been together ever since. We originally had agreed to a 5 year plan - no marriage talk for at least 5 years, as we both had been burnt before. 1 year later, he proposed and I accepted. We were best friends...everything was going good until he hurt his back 3 years into our relationship. He became depressed and withdrawn dealing with his pain, which is understandable. I was unable to get him to seek treatment other than pain meds which really barely fixed anything. Things got worse between us and I felt totally emotionally neglected. I ended up cheating on him. I felt so bad and I confessed it to him. He moved in with his mom after that and got physical therapy and got better. We worked things out - he forgave me and I forgave myself.

After being together 8 years, engaged for 7, we finally tied the knot. It took me that long to commit because of my past...I wanted to be 100% sure that my commitment was real and not some fantasy idea in my head. There were lots of things to consider - his health was a big one as he was pre-diabetic on top of the back issues. He also had 3 kids with 3 different women - I had 2 with 2 different men. We both agreed we were done having kids. He brought a huge child support debt to the marriage and my credit wasn't the best either. His mom has had to help us out in the past with this and that, she still helps when she can. But we had always remained close through it all.

Almost 4 years ago, his health took a turn for the worst - his diabetes became full-blown - having to take two different types of insulin and he is back on pain meds for diabetic neuropathy - pain in his stomach, which is very rare or so they say. He has had issues with his knee again, which he broke when he was 11 and he now has to use a cane to get around. He has the toughest time with following a schedule and making sure he eats right. It has been very stressful as he hasn't been able to work in over 3 years.

Things got really bad financially and we had to move in with my daughter to make ends meet. We are still waiting for his disability approval. My daughter is not the nicest person and she asked us to move out a few months after we moved in (that's putting it nicely. Both of us were sick of watching her be lazy - refused to do dishes or pick up after herself. It got really bad after she spent $550 on an alaskan malamute dog, which she was keeping in the house. There was dog poo everywhere. My granddaughter couldn't even play in her playroom for all the dog poo. I got frustrated with her laziness and it just caused even more stress on all of us. We planned to move closer to my work so the drive would be easier and less expensive, but we have been waiting to do so until our tax return came in.

Things got worse at my daughter's and she was telling us to get the F*** out almost every other week - she knew we didn't have the resources. Eventually I got fed up with it and I blew up. We left after that, but he left and moved in with friends and left me with all the bills and having to find a place to live - still waiting on the tax return and I am living with my son's dad as I have no where else to go.

I love my husband and I want to fix things. He tells me he can't stand being a burden on me anymore. I keep telling him that our vows included in sickness and in health - and that I don't blame him for his medical issues - I didn't marry him for it to end this way. It got real ugly because he then told me he doesn't know what he wants, says he doesn't think he loves me like he should. I believe he is depressed again. I kept pushing him to talk to me and work things out with me. We ended up fighting more and I know I have said things I didn't mean and definitely regret. He said at one point he wanted to leave so he could get state aid and take the burden off me. He has since found out that he has to divorce me to do that - he can't get anything unless we are divorced. He also at one point told me he was sick of me micromanaging everything - which I don't fully understand. I know I am an enabler and if I was micromanaging things I thought I was helping. He would constantly forget to tell me when he needed his meds refilled and so I got to where I was bugging him once a week on that - but it had to be done or he would run out and we would have no money to get more for a week or two.

I am distraught - I do want to work things out but I don't know how to take the money issues out of the picture for him so that he makes a decision based on how he feels. Money is important but it shouldn't be a deciding factor on marriage - at least, that's how I feel. We have never lived alone - have always had a kid or two or three or four living with us. This opportunity to live together, alone, is something I have looked forward to since we met. I feel so abandoned and I constantly worry about him and if his needs are being met. I can't make any life decisions about where to live or what to do without taking him into consideration. I am still paying for meds and insurance for him.

This past week I got so depressed I seeked out counseling for myself. That is gonna cost $100 per visit which I can't afford either. I make good money but after insurance and my deposits to HSA, I barely bring home enough to survive. I went to see my regular doc and she put me on Wellbutrin, which has really helped as I am not nearly so angry and depressed as I was a few days ago. But I still don't know where I am going or what is going to happen - or how to fix things.

Any advice and help would be wonderful.

Thanks,

-MO_Lonely_Wife

Welcome to MB.

Have you read all the links in here?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Are you and your H currently separated?

Also listen to these clips and tell us what you think.

The Big Questions

We are currently separated. I have read all the links on the first response, working on the clips now.

Here are some more.

What to do with an Emotional or Physically Disabled Spouse #1
What to do with an Emotional or Physically Disabled Spouse #2

Ok..I have finished the clips and read the letters. I'm not sure I can really relate to the letters...but the clips were very informative. I believe I could name his top 5 needs. And I can see where I have been slacking in covering those needs. I want very much to make our marriage work - can you give me advice or tips on how to approach working on our marriage? I have invited him to look at the marriage builders site and I hope he takes the time to do it. He is so withdrawn that I don't know what he is going to do. I don't get to see him and he will only text with me at the moment. When I suggested counseling I got absolutely no response - it wasn't a no - so I am hopeful.

Love Busters was a tough read for me. It really hit home with me. I have been so controlling and, I hate to admit it, abusive. I never thought I was like that until I read this section. I have a lot to work on with myself. Now I understand why he isn't wanting to talk or deal with me now.

How do I work on my own issues that involve him if he isn't here to participate?

So what can you do to clean up your side of the street?

When's the last time you've seen him?

What are his top 5 ENs?

You are married and living with another man?

Thanks Prisca for catching this.

Actually, his dad lives here, but it is my son's Aunt's home. If I don't stay here, I live in my car. I have no where else to go until I can save enough money to get a place of my own.

The last time I saw my husband was last Saturday when I took some of his belongings to him at his mother's home. He loaded them into his friend's car. We chatted briefly, he hugged me and I left, with tears.

I believe his top 5 EN's would probably be (this is based on my knowledge of him and what we have had issues with in the past)

1. Sexual Fulfillment
2. Recreational Companionship
3. Financial Support
4. Affection
5. Conversation

I should mention, my 21 yr old son and his dad are attempting to get an apartment together. His dad is a recovering alcoholic, sober for 5 years, recently released from jail for DWI's. He lives with his sister-in-law at the moment. His sister-in-law pretty much raised him. There is absolutely NOTHING between he and I except our son. My husband knows this and even suggested I share an apartment with them - which I do NOT want to do. I want a place of my own where, should my husband agree to come back and work on our marriage, we can do so together and without anyone's outside influence - something we have never ever had since we met.

You do realize that living with your XH is very poor boundaries for a married woman? This makes you very vulnerable for an affair. Can you move back in with your DH? It will be very difficult to work on your marriage while separated.

What do you need to work on to clean up your side of the street?

First, my son's father and I were never married. I can't move back in with my husband as he is living with friends. We are both homeless since my daughter kicked us out. He has no income and mine is limited. Saving is hard due to having to pay for medical supplies for him - we were waiting for our tax return to assist in getting set up in our own place prior to the disaster at my daughter's.

Financial issues is part of how we got in this mess. It doesn't help that he has a math disability and never got involved with the bills. I struggled with the money all by myself - I am totally stressed out about that part of it as well still.

I see him suffering from pain and withering away day after day. I constantly have to say no to his needs for recreation as we can't afford them. Eventually, I would just give-in.

I wish I could move out. I have been trying to get the money together to do so. We have been separated for almost 2 weeks at present. So where I am at is totally temporary.

I should also mention - there is no chance for affair with my ex - we barely talk. His girlfriend is here almost every day and I really have no desire to be with anyone except my husband.

You can't live with your husband at his friend's place, but you can live with your former lover?

If you want to repair your relationship with your husband, the first thing you're going to HAVE to do is move out of your former lover's home. The second thing you will need to do is move home to your husband.

You have a history with him. He is a former lover. He has an account in your lovebank, like it or not. You're LIVING with him. There is a high risk of an affair.

I am sorry Prisca -I think that you do you not see that I stated we are BOTH homeless. It is my first goal to get that resolved. Since I can't do that right this second, I am trying to work on anything else that I possibly can.

At this time my husband will not commit to coming back home even if I get us a place. I know I have hurt him and I need to fix it but I don't know how to do that.

Sorry I did not see your previous post about living with my husband at his friend's place - that is an absolute no. My husband has said he doesn't want to be with me right now. He asked me to find my own place to stay.