Regarding the porn use, you should stop using it and ask your wife to put a blocker on your computer. Dont' tell her stupid things like you "can get it anywhere." Pledge to her that you will stop and make sure you follow through.

What you said to her was utterly shameful about finding a grave and she deserves an apology. What a mean thing to say to your wife.

I truly thankyou for helping me through a difficult period of my life, I will follow through with your advice.

Have you ordered Love Busters?

While you are waiting for it to arrive, here is some good material for you to read:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2603602#Post2603602

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_neg.html

Hi, I must admit, reading back on my earlier posts I can clearly see that I have been a Jerk! Fortunately I have Wife with more guts and tenacity thanI had, we have been reading the concepts of marriage builders Love Busters and I can say there is progress in bloom, I have insisted on filters on my computers, I will not Abuse my Wife with cruel words or blame for what is clearly my problem, I Thankyou again for your support I truly know that we are making positive gains but of course love is a choice and a verb, I know I have. Lot more work to do, but I know We are on the right road.

David, another step in the right direction would be to ask your wife to come here and post. This will help keep you accountable, and we can work with her, as well.

Hello to everyone,

I am unsure of what to write here but I want to gain help in becoming the best I can become for my husband and myself.

Apart from everything that my husband has already shared there is also a lot of good about him. He is a good provider, has a great sense of humor when he wants to and is free with giving me anything I want "physically", although my needs are not mainly physical I know that it his way of showing me love. I believe this is why I hold on, because having a little hope has always sustained me. I also love him dearly and do not want us to end up apart.

I admit I am severaly depressed and my doctor will not medicate this for a further four months as it is due to grieving my Mother's truly horrific death [she suffocated with only one lung left] which he wants me to come to terms with without medication that could potentially hide my actual facing the true issues. Add to that, I'm hyper allergic to almost all medications and he fears a bad reaction given my medical history.

I do not walk around with a miserable long face all the time, on the contrary I try to be as happy as I can and add humor and laughter to our home. I work long hours at night and tend to put my grief into my work.

There is already enough said about what has hurt me, and I feel that pain in the depths of my soul. I feel scared a lot that the tiny shred of hope I had may burn out because my husband can admit when he has wronged me, and the very next night if I say or do something to displease him will say "Don't start again all you did the night before." I understand what he means, but it makes me feel that any kindness or apologies he showed or gave me was not honest and genuine and was a means to shut me up and/or end a situation to suit himself. I then feel guilty for feeling what I feel - resentment. I resnt him conning me with loving charm and doting words only to recind it. It is as if he fills and EN and that turns and totally takes it away.

There is something else very important - my husband has not always been this way, and neither have we as a couple. Up to our 10th or more wedding anniversary we were often taken for newly weds. We were that loving towards each other. My husband suffered a shocking injury inflicted upon him by someone else. What ensued was a 10+ year court battle that slowly eroded my husband's character and turned him into a very angry and self protective person. He can be so loving one day and yet not so much as unloving the next, but totally uncaring of any pain he may inflict. It is as if I live with two people. I have told him this kindly, and yet he cannot seem to accept that this all started when his fight for justice started - almost like he never got out of a fighting mode, but there is no apparent conscience present when he says things to me.

My problem is I react to him badly and will stand up and confront him over what he does to me and to us as a couple - and yet I know this is wrong of me, but what do I do? How do I let him go his merry way and think he can continue to say the most cruelest of things without one sign of caring? If I let him go and say nothing - he says nothing - he acts as if he got one over on me and yet he can't see that inside I am craving for any love from him that is trustworthy and honest.

I totally cannot "get" how someone can hurt another and easily wipe it away as if it is nothing and then the next day tell them how much they love and adore them. I can't equate that to love no matter how much I try and fool myself. And I do.

I am trying to fill my major EN's for him as requested but am struggling with a feeling of complete emptiness - and a confusion as to what actually is my major needs. I think I know, but cannot tell what is a need from this empty feeling inside - to find a primary is hard. I'm trying, though.

I would dearly love some help to improve myself.

Thank you for reading,
Ana

Anar,

Please start your own thread. Your issues will distract from this posters thread.

Just copy what you posted here and submit a New Topic.

I think she posted here because Maritial Bliss told her to. At least that was the way I interpreted it and she proably did too. So do you want her as the wife to start her own thread? Maybe the mods could do that for her?

Ahk Sorry. My bad. Why can't I delete or edit my post?

Too much time has passed.

I am truly disappointed in your last post Mr Alias, I convinced my wife to make a honest post on my thread like I had been asked to do, my wife is an introvert and for her to post was something, I am perplexed, is this site marriage builders or is it marriage busters!? So far all the advice is to split us up some how or another, I can truly admit to you we are still following the concepts of W. Harley, we are making progress using his methods of making a plan and sticking to the love that we definitely share, Our road is just beginning but confucious said that a 1000 mile journey starts with the first step.

David - No one told you to split up; not sure why you think they did. Alias asked your wife to start her own thread because he did not realize she was your wife (I'm assuming).

David's wife - Welcome! It appears that romantic love as well as a feeling of safety have pretty much disappeared from your relationship. The great news is you can restore both by each of you fulfilling your partner's ENs and eliminating Love Busters. Both of these are critical and I highly recommend you read His Needs, Her Needs as well as Love Busters. Fill out the associated LB and EN questionaires to the best of your ability but you don't have to focus on primary ENs if you don't know truly what they are; rather focus on the four that build romantic love: conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. If you meet your partner's needs in those four areas as well as eliminate love busters (and David does the same for you), you will restore romantic love to your marriage.

I don't think your wife can last 1000 steps more if abuse is her fellow traveller. The pain in her words is heartbreaking and she is clearly on the edge.

Its not necessarily the end of the marriage, but separation is a realistic tactic to consider for the two of you unless you can stop the abusive behaviour immediately. Some people get serious right away, others 'work on it' and continue abusing while they learn. Your wife can't endure that. So its up to you really.

I don't like the entitled tone of this post. You seem to somehow believe you deserve your wife's presence and your marriage, regardless of the fact you are causing harm. You think of your marriage as a free gift. It's something that has to be earned daily. Not only have you not earned it, you have actively destroyed it.

Hi, Ana, welcome to Marriage Builders! My wife is also pretty introverted. I think she would say that having me here has really helped make our marriage happier. I see MelodyLane has started another thread for you with some good advice.

I hope you guys have the book Love Busters and are working through it together.

Thankyou Markos, We are truly buying the books that are recommended, Indiegirl I am we'll aware of that fact, I am very serious of stopping all Abuse, Hostilities of all kinds for the long happiness and truly devoted love of my Wife, I am
here seeking help because I know I am wrong and can freely admit that, I have listened to W. Harley's take on anger and anger management and I am putting all his guidelines in effect, every day I am aware of the hurts that I caused my Wife, if I could go back and have another time to make better choices I would do it in a Heart Beat, my Wife is in No danger now or any time in the future, Love does conquer, I will spend the rest of my life making all her emotional needs met, in a loving marriage that believe it or not, I want as we'll! We will overcome this black period of our relationship, Thankyou for all your kind advice.

Wanted posters to be able to see your whole thread. Please try and stay posting on your own thread and let your wife AnaR, post on hers.

Thanks.

You have to learn to stay calm even if your wife makes a mistake. Even if she becomes demanding, disrespectful, or angry for a moment (i.e., breaks the "rules") you have to stay calm and not respond with demands, disrespect, or anger (i.e., break the "rules" yourself). Simply say nothing and walk away if you have to.

You have the book Love Busters, now, according to your earlier posts, so read that book and do what it says to do to eliminate angry outbursts. Don't just "try": follow the procedure.

Will you take anger management?

Have you seen this?
Anger Management 101

Thankyou Brain Hurts I will post on this thread only, I am delighted you sent me the links to that radio program, I have started to get a handle on my Anger,

The whole segment on neutrons connected with an adrenaline surge which Brings about the feelings of Anger is definitely my problem.

I know that I respond to my emotional feelings at the outset But! I can temper down with withdrawing myself from the heat of battle, so having listened to Dr. Harley's full program, I believe I can succeed in resolving my Angry Outbursts.

Thankyou Markos, you are most welcome to give your guidance on my thread,
That is my very next phase to conquer, as I explained I know by Dr. Harley's radio show on Anger Management, 101, my neurological path needs reconstruction.

Relaxation is what I aim to work on at all facets of my Marriage, I will not allow myself to be beaten by my own Stupidity!!