If I could, I would be by his side in a second.

At this point, working on my marriage, I feel, is one-sided. I can not move back in with my husband - I would if he would let me but financially, it would cost us as he is living in another town away from where I work - I begged him to let me come with him but he refused. He insists that I fix our financial issues while he figures out what he wants. Many of our financial issues come from the two of us not dealing with them together. While I can sit here and pay debt alone, that doesn't solve our problems.

He told me he felt like a burden because of the cost of his health care and his own recreational needs. He would pull money from our joint account, taking more than we discussed - which ultimately caused the account to bounce or a bill to not get paid (if I caught it early enough).

I didn't help matters as I would put money toward my hobby thinking there was enough when he was secretly taking more. Lack of communication was a huge factor in that aspect. We need the POJA on finances for sure - but that won't happen until he is back with me voluntarily.

I know I need to work on our debt but my first focus is getting my own place so I don't have to live with my son's relatives. It is not something I enjoy. Living here has turned my car into a taxi half the time - they (father and son) constantly want me to drive them here and there (no one has a license). While they are paying for gas, there is still wear and tear on my car as well as my time. I don't want to be their taxi but I feel obligated to help since they are helping me.

I am currently working on losing weight - I have needed to do that for a very long time. I have always had a tough time taking complements from my husband - when he showed me adoration, I couldn't accept it. I have never felt attractive since my thyroid became sluggish and I gained a lot of weight - except when we were intimate. He has never been critical of my weight issues - only how I view myself. He used to call me during the day while he was at work just to say he loved me, that was before we got married.

I need to work on listening when he speaks to me too... Looking back, there were many times he would be sharing with me and I would zone out thinking about something else. Part of that was stress as I had so much on my mind with my daughter and bills and stuff. There are several more things I need to work on as well - but most of those are dealing with him - how I respond to him. I need to learn the art of negotiation. And I need to learn to use a budget and stick to it. I am sure there are more items I could list...

Several days ago, I took the first step and went to see a counselor. I am taking an anti-depressant now. I have always struggled with depression - and with as much stress as I know we both have dealt with I am amazed I didn't see it sooner in myself. I am sure he is needing to de-stress and regroup as well - I believe that's what this time apart is for him. It is extremely hard for me though as I hate to be alone. I have had him by my side for the last 13 years - other than the month he lived with his mom during his back issues.

My counselor years ago said I was co-dependent. I read the page on co-dependency but I do not believe it applies to me now - I thought it did but I am not certain. My husband has been on narcotics for the last 3 years for his stomach pain. 2 months ago they upped his dosage. He also previously self-medicated with pot because the pain meds weren't enough to help with his pain. I don't like that he uses pot but I understand why. It has also put a financial strain on us.

Welcome to MB!

Sorry for what has brought you here, it sounds like you are really having a time of things, so much stress.

I was wondering...could it be possible that you H is having an affair? Some things you have stated that he has told you have me concerned.

It seems he is using some very common affair speak. It is common to hear things like, want to live separate to "think", unsure of feelings or love for spouse, unsure of future of the marriage etc.

I would give this some careful consideration BEFORE ruling it out. Can you do any snooping?

I did think that originally, but I honestly don't know for sure. He has never given me a reason to doubt his love for me until now. He has always been faithful. And all of this seems to have come from no where really fast.

Three weeks ago I came home from work early and he told me that we needed to talk. He told me that an ex-girlfriend from when he was 15 had contacted him and told him that there was a 70% chance her 22 yr old daughter was his daughter. This woman was also my husband's first love - she broke his heart. He was 15 and she was 18. After that he got pretty heavily into drugs, had some really bad anger issues that eventually, 3 years later, landed him in juvie and with a 5 year probation sentence.

During that 3 year period and the 5 years that followed he had 3 children (which he knew about). We met shortly after he got off of probation for all of that. He desperately wanted to leave that life behind, no matter how much I encouraged him to get to know his kids - he had no desire to go back. He just wanted to get a job, pay his child support and move on with his life. At first, he was trying to see his youngest, but her mother was obsessed with him - I saw first hand how she didn't see anyone else in the room except for him and would flirt with him right in front of everyone, including me.

Anyway, to keep it short, this girl was 22 and having her first baby. The mother was contacting him after she had seen via Facebook, that he had straightened up his life and was a great grandfather to my granddaughter. So she didn't want him to miss out on an opportunity to be a grandpa to her daughter's child.

My first instincts were no big deal. I was fine with him going to the hospital to be there when the baby was born. I did insist that he push for a blood test to prove paternity, regardless. He said he planned to do that. He was gone for a full week. Left on Sunday, returned on Sunday. Everytime I questioned what was up, I got some excuse as to why he couldn't come home. One of which included that his mom was too ill to be alone and that he couldn't leave her alone. Another was that his mom needed things moved around the house (her husband is a serious packrat and his mom really can't even cook in her own home) He told me he was staying on the new recliner at his moms. Later he told me he was staying with his possible daughter's in-laws as the cats at his moms were bothering him really badly. He has asthma and severe allergies so I had no reason to doubt that he was having issues with that.

Needless to say, he was home Sunday night, Monday, and Tuesday was when things came to a head at my daughter's. We packed our stuff Tuesday night and he left with me Wednesday. He got a ride from a pool buddy to his mom's while I was at work that evening after league. He sent me some very upsetting text messages and refused to see me or consider working things out until he "knows what he wants".

His ex is married, whether that is happily or not, I have no idea. But since then, he has moved in with her mother. I can't say an affair hasn't crossed my mind...because it has. I have felt extremely insecure over the last few weeks with all the conversations we had - but I will be the first to admit - I pushed him in a lot of directions because of my own insecurities and fears. I have accused him of an affair and of abandonment. I spent the last 3 years taking care of his medical needs - putting him first, and I do feel abandoned when I needed him most.

Snooping, no not possible. I do not know these people at all. He has never introduced us except on FB. She is on my friend's list and has posted pictures of the grand baby, but nothing that included my husband in the shots or indicated anything about my husband. I do not believe my husband's 18 yr old daughter, who lived with us at my daughter's home, knows anything about this other daughter. I'm not sure how she would react. She is 18 and on her own now - working and plans for college. She stayed living with my daughter after we left as it was her choice.

Thanks for posting he additional info.

I am sorry to say this does really confirm my thoughts of an affair

The good news is you have found MB! You can use FB to start your snooping...and as a resource for exposure! I would suggest that you request that this thread be moved to the SAA forum, it will get you the immediate attention and help you need TODAY!

You can notify the mods and they will move you. Hang in there. Sorry I only have a quick minute to respond right now, but help is on the way!

How do I notify the mods to move my topic?

tismeagain, I know you believe he is having an affair...but I am reluctant to think that. I need proof but I don't know how to get it. He does not use his FB account for much of anything. I think he has posted twice in the last month and before that maybe once in the last year. I don't really see how FB could help me. Is it possible I could confront the EX? Or should I let that go?

Yes, I understand you will want to get hard proof.

No, I don't suggest that you would confront the possible OW at this time, nor should you ask your H about an affair anymore, snooping is something you must do secretly, you don't want to tip your hand yet. Don't tell your H about this forum at this point either.

I know that the good people over on the SAA forum always have great ideas for how to gather proof, and to use fb as a tool. You have an advantage already because you have an idea who the OW most likely is, and have found her fb page. Am I understanding that you are already on her friends list?

To ask the mods to move this thread you hit the Notify button at the bottom of your post...then make the request. Sorry for not making that clear. Things are slow here over the weekends, but the SAA boards always get more traffic, I have heard it called the "emergency room" and the experts will help you get the proof.

Hit notify in the right bottom corner of each post.

Can you check his phone records?

What is your relationship like with his mother? Could you call her for a casual chat and maybe find out her views about that week long visit and how she has been feeling etc. since your H claimed he stayed longer due to her being ill, and that he had to help them around the house?

I was also wondering how much snooping you have done on this exgf fb....you mentioned she is married, have you found him on fb? Does she post info about activities or events?

I like the idea about getting his phone records! Maybe you could call and request a copy or gain access via the net?

So your H is currently staying at the exGF mothers house? Does the ex live there to? Have you been able to verify his location?

It would do no good to check his phone records as they have knowingly been in contact - the exGF lives 3 trailer's down from her mother. I can't verify where he is really staying as I don't know where they live. I did verify that he was at his mom's helping around the house that week he was down there. He was there 2 of the days. The baby was born that week so he spent some time at the in-laws of his "daughter", at the hospital, and some time at his mother's that week. I have talked to my husband's mother and she believes that the exGF is truly happily married and is just trying to help. Turns out the daughter's husband is a relative to my husband - distant cousin or some crap.

I have snooped some on FB and found several references to anniversaries - they have been married 12 years. She does not have her marital status listed. I don't know her husband's name so I am not sure if he has a FB or not. I do, however, have a friend who works with her. She said she thought they had split up and mentioned some posts on FB but I have never seen the posts and the exGF has been on my friend's list for a couple of years now. My friend was going to do some snooping, but currently the exGF is on layoff - but was supposed to be going back soon.

As I said before, the exGF lives two or three trailers down from her mother - her daughter, the baby, and the daughter's husband live there with them. I did message the exGF on FB and asked her point blank. She claims she has no interest in him like that - she is happily married. I asked her to do the right thing and send him home to his wife. She refused. She said she would not abandon a friend. She says he has said he feels lost and that he talks about me all the time. I asked her to encourage him to go to counseling with me, or to atleast see someone on his own. She said she would try.

I am still reluctant to believe the worst of my husband, despite the evidence. I have asked him to spend time with me and our grandchild on Friday. He hasn't said yes yet, but I think he might. He constantly tells me he is worthless and no good. He is always talking negative about himself. I still fear he is depressed and vulnerable. If there isn't an affair going on, it could easily turn that way.

Have you seen this?
Conflict Avoidance is the Kiss of Death

Have you searched through her friends list? Go to any man listed as her friend with the same last name as her. You should be able to find these old posts yourself about a split up. Search ALL through her fb...as far back as possible.

I don't think you mentioned if she posts info about events or activities. She may post about outings and locations.

Since you know her first and last name have you done a search for her address?

I would not confront the exgf again at this time. It is pointless, she will not tell you if she is having an affair with your H, or interested, nor is she going to help to convince him to go home to you. You can't believe anything she says...or your H either at this point.

I would suggest you hire a PI, but I understand you don't have the money for that. You will have to dig in and do some heavy investigating yourself. I would not depend too much on this friend that worked with her before. You need answers NOW.

I am exhausted. At this point, I don't care if he is having an affair or not. I just want to fix our marriage and move on. Is it wrong of me to introduce tough love into this? Will it help? He relies on me for insurance and meds for his diabetes and pain management. Should I cut him off and let him live without for a while? Let him truly figure it out on his own? I am so sick of being depressed and down - I can't function at work. I am having terrible thoughts...its really getting to me. I don't know if I can go on without just walking away from it all. What do I do?

I truly love this man and I don't want to see anything bad happen to him, heath wise. I need my own counseling and with paying for his stuff, I can't afford to get my own. He is choosing this path for us, not me.

Is it fair of me to cut him off and only agree to keep him on so long as we are living together?

According to his mom he has been really sick lately. I called her yesterday and explained why he is so sick. He got his last 30 day supply of insulin filled on May 7. It's now the middle of June. In order for him to make his insulin last this long he has to be cutting his dosage down - which in turn makes his blood sugar go up. So yeah, he is feeling like crap. I am spending my own money to buy more to take down to him Friday. These people he says he is staying with and are helping him, really have no clue about him or his needs. He is too proud to ask for meds - always has been.

I know this is hard, and I am sorry that you are feeling so down and depressed. I agree HE is the one making these choices, not you. I don't think you should sacrifice yourself or health for your husband. If you can't afford to take care of you both, then I would just focus on you.

You need to get your own place and move out of this place with your ex, and get things back on track for you. Since he has no income and you are separated he can probably get Medicaid now.

If this is starting to have a negative impact on your health, then I would consider plan B very soon.

You can't just "fix" things in your marriage without the truth though.

It sounds like your husband is cake eating now, he lives and does what he wants, while you worry and pay for his meds. I wouldn't do any of that.