Hello All,

This is my first post, so here's my story.

I'm married with two children (girl 10, boy 7). I have to grown children from my 1st marriage. Left my 1st wife to be with my current spouse and we've been married 18 years.

I worked on Wall St., putting in 50-60 work weeks. In the last 3-5 years we've had a lot of personal financial problems. We recently moved to another state to live with my wife's sister until I can find a stable work situation.

Over the last 5-6 years, our sex life has been non-existent. I've suspected someone else, particularly a lesbian affair, but never could prove it. She would always tell me it was in my head. We tried counseling, but it would always turn into a dead-end, and we'd go through life sort of on inertia.

Since I was around the house more while looking for work, I began to notice my wife constantly texting. When I'd ask about it, she'd say it was friends from our old town. I'm sure you all know the drill, closing windows on her phone when I'd walk up, never letting her phone our on her sight, etc.

About a week ago, I was putting an app on her computer and her phone happened to left unguarded which NEVER happens. I guessed the password and got in. Sure enough, there was a text to an unidentified contact (just the number, no name) that was clearly an more than "friendly". What's interesting is the person was complaining that their messages weren't being answered as often and wanted to know if my wife was still in love, to which the response from my wife was yes.

The text string went back months. I honestly did not read everything because I couldn't bear to see it. My hands are shaking as I write this, because it's all still so emotional for me. I confronted her with the phone in my hands and after the initial lie attempt, here's what I was told:

1. The texter is a woman she went to HS with that lives 1000 miles away, that she connected with on Facebook. I figured out the woman is an out of the closet lesbian that lives in my wife's hometown.
2. It started as innocent texting, but "went too far".
3. Nothing was going to come of it because of the distance between them.
4. I was always working, and not engaged with the family (I accept her point, but not her solution)
5. She knew it was wrong, and was trying to end it, hence the text I referenced earlier
6. She never intended to leave her family, she loves me, etc.
7. She would end all contact immediately.
8. She doesn't consider herself gay, this was about someone filling an emotional hole .
9. She tried to tell me she was unhappy, I always reacted with anger. (This is true, but in my mind my anger was do to no sex + suspicions)
10. She wants to work to fix our relationship

Then it hit me that my wife, her sister and all our kids drove to seeing family 3 months ago. This included a trip to her hometown. When I asked if she made contact, at first she lied, but then say they met just to say hello which I wasn't buying. She now says the sat in a parking lot talking and kissing for about 30 minutes, but nothing beyond that. I don't buy that either.

The next day I went through our cell records to discover thousands of texts between them going back 2 years (which is all I could access online). Every day from morning until night, including birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, etc. Even when I spent 2 weeks in hospital/rehab from surgery. Even went we were in Disney World. Even when we while out as a family for Mother's Day.

Of course, I went ballistic. By sheer luck her sister's family wasn't at home, but our kids were. They were totally upset because the didn't know what was going on. For the next 3-4 days I was very angry, tremendously hurt and was thinking of moving out and sleeping on the streets. I don't know if her sister has known about this all along, but my gut say yes. My wife says no, but I don't trust anything she tells me anymore.

Since the blowup she de-friended the woman on FB, supposedly told the OW it's over and the texts have stopped. Of course, she could have gotten another phone, so who knows? I found this website out of desperation to try and save my marriage w/o making things worse. I catch myself thinking everything in our life together has been a lie. I've pretty much stopped the verbal attacks, thanks to this site. I realize that kind of behavior isn't the way to go, but man is it tough to hold in!

But after all this, how do I ever trust her again? When I confronted my wife, at first I don't think she felt she was having an affair since it was just texting. All I know is they were talking by text in a way the two of us haven't spoken in years. And I am heartbroken over this.

Please excuse the rambling. I'd appreciate any advice that can help me save my family, as well as my relationship with my wife.

Welcome to the site.
Read the first thread on this forum.

You will get great advice here.
It will be a roller coaster of emotions, so brace yourself.

You are right to be suspicious, waywards lie. They will only reveal tiny portions, death by a thousand cuts as they say.

Welcome to MB.

Have you read all of this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Thanks for the quick responses. I should have put this in my post, but I've read everything on the site. Thats why I decided to share my problem. The line what got my attention was concept of negotiating a settlement. My approach was far from this and could have made things worst.

As to the part about her lying, she's told me almost nothing that I didn't have her dead to rights on. If I had not seen the text message I'd probably be thinking I was totally the problem. She did finally admit to seeing the woman and to the kissing, which I had no way of ever finding out w/o her telling me.

By the way, in one of our big arguments a couple of months ago she suggested we separate since "neither of us is happy". She later backed away from it. I threw that back at her when I found out what was going on, and also told her I was not going to lose my kids because she did something wrong. I feel like we've moved past that.

We went to the beach for Father's Day and things almost seemed normal. I know there's still a ton of work ahead.

Your current marriage is an affairage?

You left your first wife to be with your now wife? And your WW is in a lesbian affair that you found from her texts?

Is that about it?

Have you ever made amends or apologized to your first BW?

Welcome to MB, Godfather. Sorry for the reasons that brought you here.
However, you have landed in the exact right place to work on recovery of your marriage, and survive this thing.

I am not a vet here, but my advice is to FOLLOW THE ADVICE OF THE VETS TO THE LETTER, quickly. Some steps may seem wrong. Keep posting here, vent freely, ask questions. Do not show your wife this site just yet. Let it be your sanctuary for sanity. Listen to the radio show daily, if you can.

You can do this. It isn't easy, but it is doable. There are many threads detailing how people in worse situations than yours have recovered, either personally or in their marriage. Count yourself lucky to have found MB!

Good luck. Be strong.

As to the part about her lying, she's told me almost nothing that I didn't have her dead to rights on. If I had not seen the text message I'd probably be thinking I was totally the problem. She did finally admit to seeing the woman and to the kissing, which I had no way of ever finding out w/o her telling me.

- Schedule a polygraph exam.
- Tell her that her taking and passing it is the only shot at saving your marriage. (Then convince yourself to follow through if she refuses/fails. Big-boy pants time!)
- Give her every question to which you need an answer.
- Give her a few days to write out the answers.
- Say nothing to her but take the answers and study them.
- Pick out three or four that seem important to you.
- Give those to the poly examiner.
- If she passes those come back and we'll take you through recovery, if you're still interested.

She's probably not long-term marital material. If she'll conspire with you to destroy your first marriage, she'd likely have no compunction about conspiring with a third party to destroy your second.

Yes. I've read all those.

Did you see the above post?

Have you ever apologized to your first wife?

Here.
Polygraph Testing

I saw it.

Actually, my first wife has apologized to me. Her behavior caused the separation. She's a teacher, and she was involved with a student. We were married 7 yrs., and I was on my way out the door. So my current wife didn't "conspire" to destroy my marriage. She's remarried, and we get along fine. No further discussion is needed there.

My current wife and I have been together 21 years (married 18, lived together 3). If that's not long term I don't know what is. The polygraph is more than I can afford since I'm unemployed but I could use a "carrot/stick" approach. Like "I want it when I can afford it, and if you've continued lying we're done". But how will that help? I'm really more concerned about how I can trust her in the future.

So have you exposed her affair? To whom?

Godfather,

I'm married with two children (girl 10, boy 7).

Do they understand that your WW had an affair?

Over the last 5-6 years, our sex life has been non-existent.

Sorry this is likely when the affair started.

She now says the sat in a parking lot talking and kissing for about 30 minutes, but nothing beyond that.

You need to get a polygraph for your WW, you can't go forward without having the truth, can you imagine having doubts 5, 10 or 20 years from now.

Another thing is that waywards minimize if they say kissing it was fondling, if they say 1 time it was 10. And kissing is very much a physical affair, you can catch HPV/oral cancer that way, how often did you wish your WW would kiss you passionately in the last 5 years?

You need to track down the OWs people and expose to them.

God Bless
Gamma

This is an affairage. Here's what Dr Harley says: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2001742&page=1

Also.
Affairage Radio Clips
Here is a newer clip on affairages.
Radio clip on trust in an affairage

What you Will Get if you Marry Your Affair Partner

I wish you luck, sir. Your not being truthful about the start of relationship. I hope you read the information on affairages and come to terms with what you have. I'm 100% sure this isn't her first nor last affair.

My current wife and I have been together 21 years (married 18, lived together 3)...Over the last 5-6 years, our sex life has been non-existent...If that's not long term I don't know what is.

Progress! You now own up to not knowing what a long-term marital commitment entails!

But there is yet work to be done.

So my current wife didn't "conspire" to destroy my marriage...No further discussion is needed there.

I think you meant to use the word "desired" for "needed", my friend. With all due respect to your naivety and ignorance, I would suggest you leave to the experts here the canon of discussions that are "needed".

You were in the process of ending your first marriage when your current wife, knowing you were still married, started dating you, with whatever level of intensity transpired. This would have had the effect of distracting you from any chance of recovering your initial union.

You may say, "There was no hope of that," but I would posit that finding an accident victim bleeding out does not give a passerby license to inflict one more puncture wound, "since he's dying anyway, and what difference can it make!"

To close the circle, you will find as you learn more of what a true marriage entails, that you get no "pass" to start dating while married, even to a woman allegedly "involved" with a student. You were as adulterous as was she. (This is called a revenge affair, or RA.)

And, lastly, if this "involvement" of W1 with a student was well-known enough for you to feel empowered to commence your own affair, did you assist in the prosecution of W1 for possible crimes against children?