Tex,
You are getting the right advice.
You are NOT acting.
You are being lied to.(only sex 1X, and you believe that)
You are being manipulated and played. (gaslighting, look it up)
You are NOT in recovery, she is trying to get you off her back, either about the affair details and timeline, or maybe something even worse)

Schedule a Polygraph now, make it a condition of continuing.(no delays!!!!)
Tell her in no uncertain terms, that if she does not find new employment, then you will divorce.

You are being hit with 2x4's left and right, but you have a iron jaw, i hope you wake up.

What were your thoughts on the show TX?

Please read.
Please Explain Gaslighting

TX are you there, any updates
Dont stop posting here, you are at a critical time

Sorry, I've just been so inundated with dealing with this and we had a 2nd out of town trip this past weekend. The trip was ok, kinda of some arguing. I really need to control my emotions better because I am starting most of the fights because it is hard for me to show her "love" and meet her emotional needs when I think about the affair. She filled out the EM and LB questionairres this weekend and I am planning on filling out today so we can exchange them.

I did find out what I think now is the full truth and scope of the affair. I exposed to our children and my family this weekend, I exposed to hers last weekend. I think exposing to our children finally snapped her into reality. She has been very different since then. The work issue is now resolved another thing she agreed to this weekend. She wants us to attend marriage counseling so we can learn to communicate again because through this process and honestly before I found out about the affair our communication had become no existent.

I am the one having issues right now dealing with the reality that she was able to do this to me and believing she won't lie, sneak, hide and do it again or pick the affair up again. I guess we'll see and I'll keep y'all updated on our situation.

Thanks for any comments or ongoing advice you might have.

resolved how?

Good on the exposure.
How did you get the truth, there is only one way.
Work situation resolved how, again only one way.
Marriage counseling, you better get someone that is a marriage builder practioner. This profession is littered with do nothings that cause more harm.

We all work for the same company. She met the OM when she filled in at my and his location. She worked over here for about a month because she covered for someone who was out with surgery/recovery. The last couple days when she was here he reached out to her because she only had a couple of days to work here left. She gave him her number to text her. Thats how it began, he began texting her and it just escalated from there, he started meaning more and more until it finally escalated to physical (prob about a month or month and a half).

Well because they trained her to serve as backup at this location she is the backup person that individual who had surgery when he takes days off. She has filled in twice since I found out 1 month ago. She has to deliver checks to the OM when she works down here so there is absolutely no way she won't see him. I told her she needed to speak to her Mgr and tell her she will no longer work at this location no matter what. Her manager was took it like I would have and said fine (probably irritated) that she would train someone else and she would no longer send her over to this location. She works at a different location on the other side of town and will no longer see him for work ever.

I have the truth, the way I got it is 100% sure its the truth. She even told me she text and emailed him a couple of times the last 2 weeks which is finally what pushed me into the exposure to our children especially.

#SMH

Good Luck on the road to false recovery.

Why do you say that ND?

Because your WW will remain in contact with OM.

Please read.
False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience

This also.
Read My Lips: NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT

Thought I'd give you guys an update since I hadn't posted in about a week or so. Well, my wife and I are on good terms for the most part. She appears to be doing everything necessary to work our relationship out but we both have reservations. I was sort of in a fog of my own at first when I found out and I think it was a defense mechanism to really want my wife at all costs. Those feelings have kinda gone by the wayside a bit and I'm really feeling the resentment quite a bit. My wife is allowing me to see all her FB activity, all text msg and phone activity and has gotten over the GPS stuff but she is not sure we will work out. I honestly am not sure either because she doesn't know if she can be happy with me and I don't know if I can be happy with her anymore.

We have our first marriage counseling appt on Saturday so we will see how that goes. I have mixed feelings at this point, I do love my wife and I want our family to be intact for our kids' sake but the hurt, mistrust and resentment is really something I'm not sure I want to deal with. I am going to be honest, out of the blue another woman began talkin to me last week and it was refreshing to have convo with someone that I don't have these feelings of resentment toward. It was literally enjoyable convo, we made each other laugh and it was refreshing. It is nothing further than a small frienship developing and she has also started a new friendship with my wife in the last week as well. She started talking to me first but I encouraged her to talk to my wife as my wife had expressed interest in meeting her before. She is trying to help us out with our relationship but I don't know how thats going to work.

My wife has told me its hard to talk to me about my feelings because it is impossible for her to become defensive and I can understand that. Both my wife and I have had frank conversation about our feelings and neither of us are really sure if we can make our relationship work even though we both want it to some degree. We were in High School when we got together and have been together the last 10 1/2 years and neither of us know any different (she knows a bit better than me obviously but she was not able to have an open relationship without hiding and cares).

I guess we'll see what happens and I will keep you guys updated and any feedback/comments are always welcome. Don't hold back I don't get offended.

A couple of red flags.

Marriage Counseling has a huge failure rate. Can you do MB coaching?

This OW that you've made friends with and now she's friends with your WW.??? I'm short on time so I hope another fellow MB poster can expand.

Has your WW written a NC letter? Has she gone NC with OM?

whoooaaaa!

it's possible you'll decide not to recover the marriage but jumping into a new relationship is not the answer!

let's say you do decide to divorce. you're going to need time to work through it. Please back away from thoughts of other women for now.

can you put off the divorce talk for 6 months and give recovery a try?

and don't do marriage counseling. it will just get you focused on everything you can't stand about each other.

go with the marriage builders program and give it you best effort. if in 6 months you're done at least you can say you gave it your best effort.

I don't know whats going on anymore guys. My wife doesn't want to follow the MB program for some reason. I think she has some resentment feelings towards this site because I have taken so much comfort here and it has taught me to identify all her lies and recognize all her attempts to spin things or whatever.

She didn't write the NC letter and changed her mind about the work issue, she had originally agreed to not work at this location anymore where she has contact with the OM but has since said she wants to go to counseling first to see if they agree. Again, I think she has resentment about any ideas from this site. I know the only contact she had with the OM was last week when she worked at our location but she swears she didn't even speak to him just saw him (don't know what to believe about that honestly at this point and starting to distance myself a bit honestly and this is just building more and more resentment). She swears she would never engage in anything with this guy again since he used her and in her mind made her look like an idiot.

Again don't know how to get through to her as I exposed to family, friends, children and work. She just says she doesn't know if she feels the same about me and honestly I don't really know how I feel either. I honestly don't know at this point if I want my marriage and want to live with the fact that she betrayed me. I mean I was there for her through the death of her little brother, her mother and our daughter. When we began dating in high school (she was very poor growing up, her father was not around and her mom worked crap jobs and spent her money on herself, going out, drinking and smoking) I bought her and her little brother and little sister school clothes. Working part time at a retail clothing store. I had always been there for her and she was still able to betray me and I don't think I will ever get over it and I don't know if I want to live my life with that.

Anyways, marriage counseling is what she wants to do so we can decide if we even want to be together. As far as this OW I've met she also has become friends with WW at the same time. I like talking to her because she is the only person I have to talk to honestly but that is about it, I am not looking for a relationship at this point at all.

Edit: Oh and to add, I know this is kind of a different situation but IDK. IDK what I want, all I know is that I feel like she made me look like a fool. She even told me yesterday she emailed another guy at work. She said he was talking to her, asking how her day was going and she was responding but didn't see anything wrong with it and then said I was just trying to control every part of her life when I tell her I think its inappropriate after what she's done. IDK, this is a different situation than I've ever been in and I don't know how its going to end or how I want it to honestly. I just hope my kids are ok at the end of this because as much as I love them it has been really hard to give them the attention they deserve lately.

Many, Many red flags here.

One thing I want to stress to you is that you are ONLY in control of you. Regardless of what she decides, you must make the best decisions with your Head right now.

All you can do is lay out the conditions for R including EP�s and she then must decide on the direction she wants to take her life.

Second, stop any and all LB�s and become the husband she has always wanted. I mean really change. Focus on her EN�s the best you can.

Believe nothing that comes out of her mouth. Verify everything.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. 2-5 years to fully R. It is very much a process with each day being its own adventure. Just try not to make any rash decisions as your feelings/emotions will change by the minute. So will hers.


R is possible and very likely if BOTH of you can commit to a program for R. I know first hand.

By the way, please only go to this counseling if they have MB principles which emphasis the goal of creating a Romantic Relationship in which you both of you stop hurting each other and START doing what each of you LIKE.

Most counselors are divorce facilitators and do more harm than good. NO reason to focus on things such as events from years ago. You must focus on NOW and changes for the future.

While one person can fully screw up a marriage, no one person can repair it. That said, you either convince her that your marriage is worth repairing/improving, or you walk (run?) away. The first is done through Plan A; the second presaged by Plan B.

I'm trying to decide if you're in Plan A (you're obviously NOT in Plan B), but would have to say you are missing some important tenets of the Plan.

- You seem not to have become the inexhaustible fount of her ENs that Plan A specifies. Presumably, this would include hearing of her interaction with past OM, or her fishing about for future OM, with a "That's unfortunate, dear. Can I offer you a massage? Perhaps while I do so you might permit me to explain, non-disrespectfully, how your actions bring me discomfort."

- You sabotage your own Plan by expecting measurable (daily?) improvements. Plan A's watchword is "No Expectations!" Which metaphor shall I recite? "Tossing pebbles into a stream...", or "Water wearing down stone...." ?

Soooooo, tighten up your Plan A, or kick off the harness and dive into Plan B. "Plan TSM" ain't gonna work.

ETA: Neither plan encompasses your interfacing with another woman about your marital problems.
I though I'd mention that before the rest of the correspondants show up!

20YH and NG thanks for the responses. I agree with everything you guys are saying. I simply at this time don't know if R is what I want. I'm not gonna lie I was gung ho after I first found out but WW's attitude, thought process and lack of remorse has really been tough to deal with. It's been so bad to the point that it might have pushed me away, I simply don't know at the moment. I know its not fair to her to not commit to R but she isn't even commiting either at this point so IDK, I'm just really, really confused.

I will try to get it together and come to terms with what I want asap so that I can be fair to WW because I don't think I'm a bad person and I don't want to string her along any more than I want her to string me along. IDK if my feelings are normal but they are what they are and I just have to deal with them and decide what's best for me.

Be prepared mentally that most likely you will vacillate HUNDREDS of times in the next few years on what you want.

A lot of this is a product of what is happening in the 'now'. That is why you must take your time here to let this thing play out.



Again, completely normal.

I encourage you to set the boundaries for recovery and stick to them. Do not be a doormat and stand tall! This is not your fault. Let the ramifications of exposure and fallout from the A fall directly on her shoulders. Do not shelter her from this.

Follow MB to the letter of the law. However this turns out, you can use this time to become the best man you can be. Focusing on yourself by eliminating LB�s from your vernacular is a fantastic idea! How can you go wrong? You can�t.