Hello I am new, and I have a long and sad tale to tell, and am in need of some advice.
First off My wife and I have been together for nearly 14 years. When we met we were both married to other people. We both divorced, moved in together, and after awhile married. She brought two children to the marriage, both of whom are grown, and we also have an 8 year old daughter. When we met she was happy, fun lovin�, and an overall great person to be around. After we got married she turned into a consistently angry person, and always critical. I don�t think there has been a day go by when I haven�t heard how much of a mistake I have been. Well about 3 years ago I left her, and fully intended to file for a divorce, and I did meet another I dated for a little bit. She begged and begged me to come back, said she didn�t mean anything she said. I still loved her, so I went back, and broke it off with my new girlfriend. It wasn�t easy I won�t lie, but I loved my wife more, and realized the girlfriend was just a crutch for me so I came back.
Once we were back together, things went back to the same way they were, only worse, now on top of all the previous daily verbal abuse I am now guilty of having an affair (even though I had actually left). Well technically she was right, but since she is the type that always has to be right about anything I now had nothing to say in any argument. If I was unhappy about any little thing I got �but you had an affair� So she had license to say anything, and I could not. We went through all kinds of books, and online articles trying to explore why I would have an affair, but whenever I would tell her the reason I would be told why I gave the wrong answer, and I basically had no excuse. Tried numerous marriage counselors, but she didn�t like any of them. She actually thought I was going to use a marriage counselor to convince her we needed to divorce. I won�t lie there were days when I thought about still getting a divorce after I came back, but I was committed to see it thru. All the while wondering if things would ever get better. In the end I decided to leave again.
Same old story she begged said we needed to work things out and threatened suicide if I left, so I came back. She took to cutting herself, with knives and scissors. Now things are even worse, she wants a divorce, wants me out, but she got into the bank account locked me out of it. I cannot even do anything until I get a new bank account and get my paycheck deposited to a new account. So she screams and yells day and night. Whats worse is she is somewhat delusional too, Talks to imaginary people, and walks up and down the road scaring the neighbors. If I try to keep her indoors she thinks I am abusing her somehow, but I really don�t want her to be embarrassed later on. The police picked her up a week ago, and she spent 4 days in a mental facility. They placed her on medication and released her, but now she is even more delusional.
What should I do?? I wouldn�t mind working things out, but I originally wanted to divorce so I could go either way. To be honest the only reason I want a divorce is because I don�t want to put up with all the verbal hostility. I cannot honestly entertain the thought until she is thinking clearly either. I would leave temporarily if I had money but she made sure I don�t, so maybe she just says that but doesn�t really what me too? She really is scaring our daughter too. Any advice? Has anybody ever gone through a similar situation? Maybe mine is just too bizarre I dunno

I would get her the psychiatric help she needs. Obviously your wife is mentally ill and needs help.

Did your relationship begin as an affair?

You guys need professional help. Call the Harley's. The radio show is free. The coaching is phone counseling that focuses on coming up with plans of action not talking through the past. Good luck.

No, but thats not the way she see's it. She is supposed to see a doc soon, but I will probably not be able to convince her to go. Right now I am the enemy and whatever I say is bad. Thinks I am against her, and I hate her, even though I tell her I do not, and I honestly do care about her as well as her health. Even if we were seperated and/or divorced, I would still care. I actually love that woman.

Is that the radio show shown on the right of the webpage? If not how do I find that radio show? Sorry I am new

Does your wife post here too? How did you find this forum?

Have you spoken to her doctor to find out what you can do?

She does not post here, nor anywhere as far as I am aware of. We had read articals from this site before, and I was reading them again and saw the forum. Go figure however appearently I do nothing to try to fix anything according to her so I dunno honestly. It seems like a nice place though, and lots of advice here

Sprinter, what are your wife's main complaints about you?

Did you end all contact with your affair partner? Do you ever see or speak to her? Does your wife ever see her? Is she still an issue in your marriage?

At first it was just that she made a mistake with me, and she hated me. After I left the first time it became (I think) security issues, but still the former words applied also. I never did things right, anything large or small. Things like what I would say, to fixing this or that around the house. Now it is the fact that I placed this other woman before her, and she still thinks that is the case. To be honest I think there was alot of baggage from her first marriage, which was physically abusive, in fact she has some perminant damage due to her being beaten, an old head injury where she has to have a tube to drain fluid from her head to her belly, things like that.She thinks I am never sincere, and that I don't show enough emotion. It is true I do not express emotion outwardly like some people do, but I feel it very deeply.

No that girl is totally out of the picture, totally. Still have to deal with the memory tho, and I don't think she totally believes me, even though I have tried everyway in the world to prove that to her. Including calling her(gf) on several occasions to break up wich caused alot of confusion because on gf's part, but I figured it was worth it. gf eventually changed phone numbers, thought that would prove it to her (wife) but she now thinks we have gone underground with an affair, which is totally not true.

Your situation is way beyond what this board is qualified to address. I would contact a psychiatrist and get her the help she needs. She needs psychiatric help, not marriage help. I am sorry you are in such a difficult predicament.

I was afraid of that, mainly I needed a place to vent about it I suppose. I have spent the last ten or so years keeping people at a distance, because she never wanted me to have any friends except for her, so now ther is no one to talk to except for my sister. She goes back to her doc in a few days, she has professional help but it doesn't appear to be doing anything, in fact things with her have gotten a little worse to be honest. Thanks for taking the time to read and help me tho, I appreciate it honestly

I would get ahold of her doctor and take charge of this. It sounds like she has trouble taking care of herself. She might not be following his instructions. Her doctor could also tell you how you could best take care of her.

I also think it is an excellent suggestion to contact Dr Harley at his radio show and get his advice. It is free and you don't have to go on the radio to get the advice. Just click on the radio show link at the top of the page and it will give instructions on how to email Dr Harley.

Thanks I will attempt to do that. The problem is she is keeping all the information about her doctor secret from me, but I am sure with a little sleuthing I can find him. Another question would be, would he actually listen to me, isn't there a doctor/patient secrecy thing?

I guess what I can't decide is how to proceed in the here and now. There she is night and day screaming and yelling for me to leave along with all her imaginary friends. If I go how would she take it when I take our daughter with me? Where would I go, there are no shelters for men to go to like there are for women. If we did go what about her? What if she tries to do something stupid like walk into a neighbors house or something? Around her one can get shot for walking into the wrong house uninvited, and she has done these things before. The police wont do anything unless she is trying to hurt herself, or others. Thats what got her into the hospital the last time, she told the police she was going to kill herself. She has since been released and doesn't threaten suicide anymore.

Oh I will definitely do that Thanks!!
Had no clue people could email him.

Why don't you find out who it is and call him and ask how you can get in on her treatment. Tell him what is going on and that you need help with this situation. He may help you get her declared incompetent.


I would stay with her because she needs your help. But can your daughter go stay with a relative close by?

Sadly she has cut off ties with her entire family, thinks they all hate her. I only have 1 sister left alive, and she lives on the East Coast (we are in the Midwest)
I would say I guess I agree with you... stay although latley there are those days when I just want to run as fast and far as I can.

I can understand!

I would do everything in your power to get her the medical help she needs. If you can find a way to take charge of her treatment and get her stabilized, we can help you turn the marriage around. But FIRST you have to get her the medical help she needs.