Hi folks,

I'm a first time poster. I'm not really sure if I'm a betrayed spouse or what. I certainly feel like one and the emotions that I have are very similar to what BS's seem to feel on these boards. My wife and I have been married 13 years. She's pregnant now with child number 4. I was in the military and we served over seas until my discharge. I came back with some emotional issues from life in general; my service included. We had the typical withdrawing from each other things that everyone seems to write about. Then about four years ago, I was determined to snap us out of it. I started making positive changes in myself and trying to get my wife to open up about what I could do to make things better. There were times when we had clarity and times where we didn't. I'm very touchy and physical in my shows of affection whether sexual or otherwise. The first time I started to really feel uncomfortable and worry in our relationship was when my wife turned to me one day and just said out loud: "If you ever cheated on me, I'd totally understand. I deserve it." She played this off as something she said because she knew that I was not having sexual fulfillment. What is odd is that I hadn't been the type of guy to bug her a lot or pound her over the head with it. It was just a big red flag. I was suspicious but didn't see any big signs for two years.

Then my brother moved in with us for a while. I did notice that during this time she started to talk to him and really integrate him into our family. I started to get uncomfortable with this once she started doing this with him that she never did with me. She started drinking heavily with him. She'd never been one to do shots before, but he had her doing shots several nights a week. She didn't spend much time with me and her excuse was always that she was too tired, but when he wanted to stay up late and talk she'd do it till 3 a.m. I made sure I stayed up with them and watched as they conversed and pretended I wasn't there. She would do this for him, but never stay up past 10 p.m. to spend time with me. I started to get a little suspicious. I'd do some housework and so would my brother. One day I said: "Hey, I did some laundry for you." She then turned to me and aggressively said: "You mean your brother did it!"

Then my brother went back to our home state and ended up in jail so he couldn't return. She was totally off emotionally and I could tell. She started to mope around and when she about broke down and cried I asked her why. She started talking about how attached she had gotten to him and missed him. She says it was never romantic feelings, but she admits that at times she would "wonder what it would be like to have a husband like him" and "wonder what it would be like if our kids had a father like him". I felt absolutely betrayed.

I read up on emotional affairs and finally showed her all the material. Even today, she just says: "I agree that what I did meets that definition of what an emotional affair is, but I don't think I was in one." She told me nothing sexual happened. I confronted my brother and he genuinely seemed shocked that she had these feelings. She confirms that she never told him and never made any moves. She has gone back and forth on admitting it was an affair and saying it was not romantic. She never back tracks on admitting that this was an inappropriate relationship period.

That summer was the roughest we had. She buried herself into her work. She's a tax accountant at one of the big 4. She works a lot with a particular male coworker. During one of her busy seasons, I was at home with the kids as she worked 90+ hours a week for three straight months. One evening she could have come home early, but instead went out with this guy from work (one of her supervisors) to a restaurant for dinner instead of coming home. I flipped because it sounds like a date. This guy is newly married. She said she was just hungry and it was totally professional. She would always do stuff like that and knew it made me intensely jealous. She'd pick fights for no reason. I'd ask her if we could talk and she'd always say "later..." Then, I'd wait until we were ready for bed and ask and she'd do the whole "I'm too tired I just want sleep" gig. Finally, I said no we must talk now and wouldn't let it go till she talked. Instead of talk, she started slapping me, went into the bathroom and cried. Then she came out and said that she "hates her life and just wants sleep and to be left alone." I said, "all right. I'll let you sleep." Then she laid beside me. After a few more minutes she screamed again, hit me several more times and then got quiet and went to sleep. I let things drop for months and just hoped for the best. Her next busy season came around and I took advantage. While she was gone to work, I made sure to do literally every chore. Even my mother in law started commenting that everything was so clean and my wife was lucky because she didn't have to do anything after work. My wife still showed me no affection and was brutal and mean in private. Her company offshores to India and they won't promote you if you won't go.

Her next thing was to go to India. Of course, she only went the male supervisor could go to keep her safe. With all the gang-rape problems in India currently, I see her point, but I hate that it has to be THIS guy. We keep preparing for India. She starts looking at me some times and starting conversations with: "Don't be made but..." and then telling me things like having lunch with this same dude a few times last week. Always waiting till way later to tell me. We hadn't been intimate much and she comes up pregnant. She refuses to call off the India trip and only takes off of work for 3 hours before leaving so she can spend time with me and the 3 kids. Then she goes to India. She's horrible with me for the first week.

Next, she tells me and her mother that she's going to go see the Taj Mahal on a weekend over there for her "vacation." The dude from work is going and it upsets me. She swears that it is a group trip and 60 people are going. She tells her mother this too. Turns out only 8 people went. her mother was confused and obviously wierded out when she heard that. The wife also refuses to let me or the kids call and talk to her during the trip except for one leg before she goes to sleep. She says it is because they are all riding a van around in the early hours of the morning and people need to sleep. An itinerary for the trip confirms this, but it is so suspicious. She says she roomed with a woman, but again I was not allowed to call her and talk to her at the hotel to know for sure. After the trip she 180s and starts being nice. She wants to work everything out and knows that I've been through hell and so have the kids. She says she knows my patience is wearing thin with her "crap" as she says it. She swears nothing not even an EA is going on with this guy. She swears to never leave me or the family like this again. Not even overnight once. She wants to work on everything and is finally opening up and things over skype. I told her it sounds like an affair and I'm ashamed of it, but since we weren't intimate save on the second day after her menstruation and then 2 days before her period was expected I doubted the new child's paternity and suspected an affair. She says she understands and she would doubt it in my shoes. I should get a test if I suspect and that she is even surprised she's pregnant because she didn't think it'd happen. (we use NFP and I had chart duty to interpret it... so we shouldn't really be pregnant)

Long story short... I long felt like she had an EA before. Does this sound like one? Did she have feelings for him, but just not tip over into Romantic love? she's very shy, could she have been in an EA with him, but he not her because she didn't tell him?


Am I just a recovering BS and totally paranoid about this male coworker and the baby? Could she snap out of fog that fast and commit to us? She's committed to all MB has to offer for recovery the moment she returns from India. Am I nuts? My emotions are a wreck from feeling betrayed, being mistreated, and working on myself for a year. Removed even annoying habits she didn't like. Available emotionally and physical at all times... lost 35 lbs...

Am I crazy what do you think of our situation? She has had no contact with my brother... Are we in recovery? Was it ever really unfaithfulness? Even after reading the site I'm so confused.

She and we were a hurting and painful mess ever since my brother left and I discovered her feelings. This last week or so that she's decided she'll work on things is the first time she's acted remotely like herself since the experience. I am positive due to snooping and incarcerations that my brother and her have NC.

About 99% certain she is in an affair.

What do you want to do about it?

Think hard before saying "I want to save our marriage". Are you willing to devote 2 years of your life with a slim chance of recovery?

I'm absolutely positive that I want to save the marriage. Her family already knows all about this other guy and my suspicions. Some of them are shocked but say they'd suspect too. Everyone suspects, but she keeps saying its nothing.

I'll raise another man's child I love her and my family so much. I'll devote as long as it takes. I'll work as long as it takes. She's already started to acknowledge the work that I've done and that I'm not the same person.

She won't admit she's cheating right now though. This guy is devoted to his wife also. I just wish I could be sure. I've done all kinds of snooping. I've monitored her at work. I've monitored when she leaves and when she arrives. I've had folks keep tabs on her.

It's not impossible, but it would've been very hard for her to have a PA... but she's had what I suspect is at least one EA before.

Welcome to MB.

Have you read all of these?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

I've read those. I've digested this site quite a bit. I almost joined and posted after the incident with my brother. I'm prepared to expose her and her supervisor if I get evidence. they'll both be fired... I've already began exposure to her family and I know how to contact his wife. I've only shown suspicions to her family. I haven't had contact with any of my family for years. I just don't have evidence. No evidence is why I haven't pulled the trigger. It'd be wrong and potentially tortious without evidence or something to confirm.

How many months is she pregnant?

Have you checked her phone? What spyware do you have?

She was about 8 weeks along on June 1st. She never really used a phone. The one she has isn't even a smart phone it's just the basic one. she doesn't really even check messages on it. I easily guess most of her passwords and have raided her FB and everything else. NO EVIDENCE there at all.

There are no text messages on her phone that aren't from me. I checked the VM on her phone and there were 30 new messages spanning over 18 months... She had never checked them even once.

Work IM and work email are the only things I can't monitor and its the only thing where OM could've done things. She's fallen asleep before and I've snooped the heck out of it. NO EVIDENCE...

I keep wondering if the EA with my brother was real... but this thing with the newly wed coworker is my paranoia.

She has only one ovary and irregular cycles. She has seen medical experts about it. She would swing from 28 days to 41 days to 36 days... I just follow NFP strictly. Temperature, cervical firmness, mucous.... all would indicate that she shouldn't be pregnant by me, but it is not impossible with her crazy cycle. It's been a year since my brother was here.

She always tells me that she'd tell me if she cheated. Even told me this before the EA. She honestly never knew what an EA was until I told her about them. I think she'd have told me if she did. I just don't know what I'm thinking or feeling regarding this.

Why?

Can you hire a PI?

Here.
Private Investigators

I can't afford a PI. I'm a former military intelligence analyst and I'm a debt collection lawyer by trade. It's really hard for people to hide things from me anyway. I used to keep the paranoid suspicious attitude I had on the job separate from my normal life.

Ever since the deal with my brother, I can't. I've already crawled up potential OM's life and hers. I know his wife, where she works... down to what was listed on their wedding registry and where.

I called her all the time at work so I always knew where she was and made sure I know when she left. I would just drop by. I used VARs... I made it exceedingly difficult to conceal...

Her only computer is company issued... key loggers are a crime. I did snoop on it when she went to sleep after cracking its pword at home once though. She's got too easy to figure out patterns. No evidence.

No evidence still. I don't know what to think.

So does her getting pregnant line up with the India trip?

So she spends all this alone time with OM? Did you have a VAR in her vehicle?

VAR in vehicle...


Was in her purse too until it ate batteries.

The pregnancy lines up with sometime around the end of tax season. We were obviously not intimate much (but we were) and we followed strict natural family planning.

Intercourse on first two days after menstrual bleeding stopped. Then nothing until day 26 of the cycle.

She was at work, but I was with her too.

I am a very paranoid individual. She had an affair before. I could be imagining this, but it is suspicious. There's no evidence, but I add little things together and... you know.

Amib,

At the very least she appears enjoy having her emotional needs met by other men. This is like gathering tinder it doesn't take much to ignite. Did she ever joke about having a "work husband"?

Did your WW have an affair she actually confessed to or that you discovered?

God Bless
Gamma

She never talks about a work husband or anything. She just tells me that I'm the only one and she'd tell me if it was different.

She admits that her emotional relationship with my brother a year ago was inappropriate, but refuses to call it an affair since there was no sex. She also refuses to say she had romantic feelings for him. Just that the feelings were inappropriate.


I witnessed some of their behavior. She said she wondered what it was like to have a husband like him... wondered what it'd be like if our kids had a father like him. She did other things, but those things can't not be romantic she just doesn't want to admit it was an affair since she never told him and nothing happened. Only that it was inappropriate.

I saw her withdrawal and that's what made me finally pin her down and get answers. I haven't fully trusted her since. Her work has made it difficult, but I've been all over this snooping wise for 6 months or more.

If this is another EA where she can't bring herself to tell the dude then I can see that. I'm afraid of a PA... especially since she left the country with him on work business. I just have no evidence of anything.


I hope I'm not just an overly paranoid idiot.

The only remote evidence is frequent alone time at work for lunches.

The what looks like a date dinner...

and now this Taj Mahal trip that 8 folks went on and he was there.

She's been over there with him from June 1st 2013 working with the other folks there. She comes home June 29, 2013.

This 180 since the Taj trip where she's like her old self from 2 years ago... affectionate, emotional, expressing commitment to the marriage has me worried because I asked her why the sudden turn around? I love it, but what caused it? If it's something I did I'd like to know so I can continue.

She said that she didn't know what it was and she didn't want to analyze it too deeply. I left it at that, but it worried me.

I am completely confused. Is she in India NOW?? If so, when will she be back? And if so, why did she say she will never spend that night apart?


What is "NFP?" And what is chart duty?

She is India right now until June 29, 2013.

While over there, after she came back from the Taj Mahal trip, I told her that I can't do this anymore. We can't be apart like this anymore. She agreed to not have any more overnights apart once she returns.

This used to happen to me with my XH. I couldn't stand him when we were together, but when we were apart, I remembered all the things I liked about him because I wasn't facing his annoying habits in person. When we were apart, I would forget about his annoying habits.

She very obviously does not like to spend time with you. Why do you think that reason is?