Well since the MODS see that you were disrespectful. I guess that's all the needs to be said.

I also know you're not being completely truthful, but I'm not arguing with you.

I'M here to support MB and Dr. Harley.

I am very offended that you are calling me untruthful.

Wow. Again all I said is this is dr, Harley's site and other ideas are not allowed. And that I hope the OP finds a solution to a very bad problem.

SW,

Are you serious? Do you really think if "that's all you said" it would have been edited? Are you arguing with why you were edited? Why don't you ask the MODS to explain it to you since you want to try and make it like you weren't being disrespectful?

I hardly ever see you post anything that is actually MB but rather "SmilingWoman's" advice.

Have you read the TOS? TOS

Please stop this right now! This poster needs helps with her situation and this is not the place for bickering or personal agendas. Let's get back to the purpose of this forum.

You're correct and apologize for my half.

Thank you.

Yes I apologize for my half as well.

I do have a genuine question that may not support the founder's advice... What about all the supporting data that children need their biological father in their life? Resulting in an affair or not, men can still be excellent fathers.

Butterfly, where is this data coming from? It is beneficial to have a father but a child does not NEED one, they should have one but they don't absolutely have to have a father and this child could end up with a father figure that would be much better than your WH.

It is not right for a child to have to have a father at ANY cost, many kids have grown up without fathers due to life circumstances. They were ok, they did ok.

And while DATA is being thrown into this, Dr Harley has been counselling 1000's of couple over decades and his data on your marriage surviving contact with the OW is quite clear, you have no chance of having any kind of marriage if you go through with this. Take a look at the OC part of this site, you can get a good idea of what people had to go through and the results when there is a child as a result of an affair.

What is the best outcome for the child? It is to have a loving relationship with parents who also love each other. The only way that will happen in this situation is for the affair to break up and the OW to get her act together and marry someone else, or for your WH to divorce you and marry the OW. Since affairages rarely result in happy families, the best choice is for you and your WH to get out of the way. Can you see that?

Butterfly,

If it's true, it still doesn't change the fact that your marriage will be miserable as a result. You really are making a choice here, either he stays in the child's life and you have a chance of recovery, or the alternative, a miserable marriage for you. It's your decision since you are the betrayed wife. But the idea that he will take responsibility and that you will have a good marriage in the future with shared custody of this child is complete fantasy.

Do you really think dad and mistress will be able to coparent/shared custody and the child be happy & nice to stepmother on the weekends? Have you ever heard of this working out? That child will never turn against their mother until perhaps they are old enough (20s... 30s...) to realize what actually happened. Until then, you are the reason mommy and daddy didn't 'become a family' (as silly as that is).

I don't think you are seeing reality here.

This is incorrect.

First of all, data/research overwhelmingly come to the conclusion that it is the QUALITY not the QUANTITY of the father-child relationship that is the determining factor in positive outcome for the child.

Further, in separated families (and that is what OW/WH/OC are IF you continue your marriage) the payment of child support, regardless of the relationship between father-child, is much more a positive factor in the long term best interest of the child outcome then the relationship between father-child, regardless of quality/quantity.

Saying a child needs their biological father is absurd. That would be saying the child would still need their molesting father, their criminal father etc. No, they need a positive father FIGURE, be it their biological father, step-father, uncle, grandfather etc.

Dr Harleys advice is right in line with science.

You need to realize that blended/stepfamilies have an extremely high rate of divorce, due to stepchild issues.

These are two separate thoughts. I'll separate them to address them that way.

There is very little supporting data for this. What is suggested by studies, over and over, is the need for stable parenting in a child's life. As Dr. Harley has said, the best scenario for a child is for them to have both of their parents under one roof and in love with each other. That won't be the case, here.

I think your desire to parent the offsrping of your husband's affair is misguided and, if I may, presumptuous. You're suggesting that you will be the better parent. That may or may not be true and is speculation.

If you have reason to believe this child, or any child, is in imminent danger, you have the moral duty to report the same to the proper authority to allow them to do their job as needed. That's really your only role, here.

I don't believe anyone has stated otherwise.

Have a read on this website to see all the problems stepmothers have, most of them absolutely HATE their stepchildren.

www.steptalk.org

The continuos battles with the biological mothers, the continuos battles to get time with the father, the battle for love of the father. The strain on the relationships, the financial strain.

Reading that board and blogs would make any sane person not get involved in blended families. The headache and the heartache!

It's so true, PN!

My kids cause lotsa tension and problems between WxH and his fiance (latest fight last Wed, reported to me by DD17). And this is a couple still in the honeymoon period!

How much worse would it be if they were trying to repair a marriage and the children were the product of the affair? And an OW was still involved in their lives? I cannot even imagine.

This is not true. What children need most is a stable family. You won't be providing that if your husband hangs around and makes it harder for her to find a husband.

And more importantly, your own marriage won't recover if he has contact with the OW in the future. You will end up divorced.

Another thing I don't think you have thought about is how the OW will compete with you if you keep her in your lives. She will make sure you have no influence over her child and will use any means to keep your marriage in turmoil so she can take your husband.

She has already tried and almost succeeded. She may succeed in the future now that she and your husband share a bond that you don't have with him. You are, in essence, handing your husband over to an OW. There are no beneficiaries in your plan. None. You will be the hated step monster and have a very dismal future ahead of you if you take this path.

Butterfly, first I would say that I understand your sense of betrayal and your sense of justice, the fact that your WH should step up and take care of his responsibilities. I would urge you to step back, take a deep breath however and consider the advice in the manner it was given; consideration for your marriage.

I have been married to three women and am now divorced and alone...

My 1st wife left me for another man. We had 3 children...when she left our youngest was an infant; she called one day and said I could have the baby if I would make the 1600 mile trip and pick her up (my Christmas present). Her reasoning was that no man would give her the time of day after she told them how many kids she had. I picked my DD up when she was 9 months old.

This was the beginning of my blended family issues...I remarried and we both had children from previous marriage/relationships. Please understand there were great difficulties here as there were exes involved which adds undo stress on an already tenuous situation...this marriage ended as well, plus we had a child together, a son...she too had left me for a other man!

Both of my 1st two wives did not end up with their original APs and the various men in their lives was hell on the children...

My last marriage was to a good woman...but I had gotten custody of my son from the second marriage and again the issues of a blended family not to mention I now had two ex wives that were always somewhat involved in our relationship caused so much long term resentment...

I'm not saying blended families and exes were the determining factor but I am saying it was a HUGE burden piled on top of other issues...please reconsider your stance; I would suggest you write an email to the radio show, you'll get an answer straight from the good Dr. He'll listen to you and be reasonable with you, it can't hurt anything that's for sure...this is a potential Pandora's box you're about to open...

Best of luck...

Butterfly,

Many of your posts could have been my posts not so long ago. I came here to MB because I found out my FWH's OW (it was still an active affair then) was pregnant. I too wanted a hand in raising this poor child who had a whore for a mother and an irresponsible father (my H). I also had a mother that left us for the OM. Although I too was wayward which I would guess you have not been so we are not so alike there.

I was so keen that OC would not be raised by this woman and that I could force my H's hand to do what I knew was best.

Well the truth is, we do not have ANY control over either the OW, the OC or our husbands. The courts will most likely not take custody away and give it to you unless the child is born drug addicted or child protective services find the environment bad enough to separate the child from its mother. Your influence over the OC will not be enough to change the outcome because OW will be the biggest influence in that child's life. You will just find yourself in a constant battle (like my husband and I are) with discipline and behavior issues that never truly go away. You will be like little drops in the ocean of this child's life and will be hurting your marriage while doing so.

I tell you this from the truth of my own experience. We have had visitation with my H's OC for over 4 years now. It gets harder and harder and makes my life and marriage very difficult. Dealing with OW over and over means we never completely heal. The anger my children have over the situation never really goes away and our marriage suffers for it.

That doesn't even include the financial implications of having to pay child support and all the extras and on top of that it doesn't erase my H's guilt.

I posted on your thread in the pregnancy child section as well. I didn't see this one initially.

Look, I GET you. I get where you are coming from and I get how OFFENDED you are at what these people are saying to you. I WAS you at one point in time. You really should be thankful that they are preaching no contact. There was a time on these forums that many of us fled MB because most people thought that a father "abandoning" a child was offensive. The truth is there is no winning this war you are waging, in fact you are not even a part of the battle. Until that child is born and until SHE decides to file for child support there is NO CHILD.

So, start using the tools here at MB to heal your marriage. Forget about OW/OC for now except put money away each month just in case she does file for DNA and your WH is the father. That way you are financially prepared (or you end up with a nice vacation fund).

^^ This.