Hello,
I am new here so please be gentle. I am recently separated from my wife and we are in the divorce process. I am trying to repair my marriage because I still love my wife and we have 2 small girls but it is difficult because she has been unfaithful and she currently does not want to work towards reconciliation. She is disappointed with the marriage as I have not been the best husband and she has her share of the blame for not communicating throughout the marriage, especially about being unhappy, before going to look for someone else. We have been married for 10 years.

Of course there is a lot more background information but, for now, I wanted to introduce myself and say that I am particularly looking for advice from women who have been in a situation similar to my wife's and even better those who have repented and come out of the Fog, in the end, and restored their marriage through working with their husbands.

Thank you

Peternoon, welcome to Marriage Builders.

It would be helpful to our members if you could give us a little more information.

Is your wife currently being unfaithful? Who is the OM (other man)? What do you know about him? If she is currently having an affair, how long has it been going on?

Are you currently living together or separated?

Thank you.

My wife was discontented with the marriage. I will write the rest, as briefly as possible, in chronological order:

Nov 12: She met the OM on a train. A few days later I caught her texting him. I got very angry but did not try to stop it then as I had no experience with infidelity. I trusted my wife's judgement.
Dec 12: She continued to develop the relationship with him.
1st Jan 13: I made her confess to the affair. She was so deep in the Fog that she shouted she was going to leave us all to go to the OM. My 9 year old daughter heard her. Their relationship was already bad (my wife is nasty to her, she was physically and verbally abused by her own mother as a child) and it went further downhill from that point. I spoke to her about the children then she said she was staying for a while only for them. She has not gone yet. Later she started saying she was taking the 4 year old only! an later both of them.
January 13: I was 'paralysed' by the shock and did nothing but watch. She blatantly continued with the relationship, going to stay with him every week-end and spending the rest of the time in bed in her bath-robe, by then we were not sleeping in the same room. She even took my daughters to meet 'their new dad'! She was that affected.
February 13: As a result of advice from another forum, where there are mostly men with experience of the same, I took very strong action against the affair: exposure with all friends, direct approach to the OM, ruining their dates, interrupting phone calls, going to speak to his parents and getting help from mutual friends (some are now ex-friends of hers). I exposed all her lies to the OM and his family. I banned all contact between my daughters and the OM. She then went to the police, then solicitors, then the court to get me evicted from the house for interfering (she did not say that there). She had attacks of hysteria and went around screaming, breaking things and vandalising things in the house as a result of my actions. She then went and filed for divorce. I have been told she may have a personality disorder but that is the subject for another discussion. She could not get me evicted then but persisted. I believe I caused serious damage to their relationship then.
March 13: She and the OM retreated and she got a job and got very busy. They stopped seeing each other but kept texting. She and I went through a period of calm. At the end of March she told my daughter, her solicitor and myself that she and the OM broke up. My daughter was elated and went to tell me and her best friend the news. My wife went through a period of anger and 'mourning'.
April 13: She and the girls went on a holiday. While they were away, my 9 year old caught her texting the OM. She was distraught when she came back and told me. I still do not know if they never split up or whether they just started talking again. My wife did not stop her court petition to get me evicted. In the middle of April we had a court hearing and the judge decided to separate us, he told me to leave the house in the middle of June. My wife was to take over all expenses of the house and support the girls. I was to have access to the girls half of the time. My wife may have seen the OM once or twice after work that month.
May 13: My wife lost her job and she may have seen the OM once or so. I worked on plan A on the advice of people in a forum. My relationship with my wife was good that month, as a result of the civilities of plan A.
June 13: I cut all financial support to my wife. I moved out of the house a week ago to another house nearby. I wanted to apply plan B or 180 but cannot really do it as I speak to and see her every day due to the girls. I go to the house every day and even have dinner there sometimes. My wife is penniless and she is now living on benefits. She has substantial debts but I will not help her on this unless she writes a letter of no contact to the other man and stops the divorce. I have told her that I was going along with the divorce, anyhow, due to her infidelity but I may forgive if she repents and comes back to me. I believe my wife is now realising the relationship with the OM is going nowhere. For one thing, he lives in another county and is one of those people who have everything where they live and never leave the place where they were born. The girls are going nowhere, they are staying in the town where we live to do all their schooling. My 9 year old daughter hates the OM with all her guts and now she hates her mother too. I will never allow my daughter(s) to end up with him. However, the OM has given her money in April but I do not know about recently as her parents have also given her money.

Since December 12, I have been on a self-taught 'programme of self-improvement' to become a better husband, mostly learning from forums and Dr. Harley's writings in this website. According to these, my wife and I (mostly I) did everything wrong in the marriage. My wife has noticed the change in me but has not acted on it. She may still be in the fog. The divorce petition is still with the court.

Her birthday is tomorrow. My daughters and I chose several presents we know she likes. She looked quite excited and will open the presents tomorrow when she is inviting some friends and celebrating with the girls. I do not think I am invited. There is a long story behind my choice to buy her several presents, namely that I never bought her nice presents in 10 years of marriage. See how it goes tomorrow.

I am planning for both life after divorce (planning on looking for a new wife) and for seeking reconciliation with my wife if she turns around and reasons again. My wife still has priority as I still love her (she says she does not love me), we have two young daughters (aged 4 and 9) and I do not want to break up my family.

Is there a private section where this thread can be moved?

This is all good, but you should not have moved out of your house. Why would you do that? SHE'S the one having the affair! She needs to move HER [censored] out! YOU should be the primary caregiver and parent to your children. Your 9 yo's reaction should tell you this.

You CAN successfully Plan B and not talk to your wife. However, before you do that, I would suggest that you move back into YOUR home.

If you are concerned that your WW will stumble over this thread, change your posting name. Change it to something female-sounding, like "lace&linen". That will throw her off. Understand: by now, Google and other search engines will have found your post. If she googles "Peternoon" for some reason, she will find you and may find your posts - forever.

Change your posting name. (Don't use "lace&linen") Do this now. The mods will know why you're changing your name.

Hello maritalbliss,

Thanks for you posting. I had to move out as the court ordered it when she went to apply for an 'occupancy order' which means she stays in the house. It worked againts her as she was left without financial support and I still have access to the house without having to pay for it as well as the children every day. She cannot cope with them anyhow. She does not object to me going there and we are in good terms except when she is feeling the pinch.

About the privacy here, my name is already a pseudonym but she knows about the website as I asked her to read a couple of articles by Dr Hartley. I have not come here to ask for advice agaisnt her but she could recognise the story. She could use things written here in a divorce dispute.

I still do not see how I can not talk to my wife and still be in agreement about everything related to the children. What she does not get from me, since I moved out and ended plan A, is the adult chat that she does need now that she does nothing but to worry about money.

She texts me and calls me on the phone (usually about the girls) more than I do. She is always talking marital things like we can share the food, can you help me with this, etc.

I am not willing to play games with her or try to manipulate her back to me. I just want to work on a plan and leave her to realise for herself that I am now ready to be a good husband and that she will never find a better father for her children. I think she now realises the latter but the fantasy she is living in tells her that the OM would be great. She told friends that my D9 and the OM got on excellently and that she has told her how much she likes him. This only goes to show the extreme fantasy that she has created for herself.

Peternoon,

I am very sorry that you are going through all this pain at the moment. I hope you will be able to find the right road for you and your family.

ask the moderators to move your thread to the surviving an affair forum. it's more active and you will get a lot of help and support.

you still have a chance to save this but you need a plan and there are more people over there waiting to help.

Thanks, I asked them to move it

Thank you

Welcome to MB.

Have you moved back in your house? Can you get the order lifted to move back in your home?

Do you carry a VAR on yourself?

Is she still see in OM?