My husband developed a very close friendship with a female coworker a few years ago. I think it is an emotional affair because they have spent a lot of alone time together, there is a lot of secrecy and she especially seems to need daily contact with my husband even texting him when we are on vacation.

Well he denies it is anything but a good friendship and compared to other cases I've read this may be the case so all I asked was that they not meet alone anymore.

However, recently he revealed that although he told me her boyfriend was there at a lunch in fact, he was not. They met alone.

I was devastated because even if it was an innocent lunch how could he put her request above mine and then also lie to me about it? I understand he's in an awkward position cause she keeps pushing for alone time like they used to have and for the most part he has pushed back urging her to bring another friend. But then he gave in and deceived me too!

Please some advice because my husband will not listen to me and I feel betrayed. Should I?

He lied to you. The fact that he felt the need to cover up the fact that her boyfriend wasn't there shows that he knows it was wrong and that there is absolutely something to be upset about. The question is how far has it gone? It's my opinion that any relationship with the opposite sex that makes your spouse feel uncomfortable, makes you need to deceive and lie, that you intend to keep hidden, and where you have a primal need to have contact with that person is an affair. I think even before it gets to this it is an affair.

She obviously is addicted to him since she couldn't leave the vacation alone. He is addicted to her or there'd be no need for a lie. It's an affair. The question is how far has it gone. He needs to tell you the entire story. He needs to stop seeing this woman and have absolutely no contact. He must leave this job. The affair must be broken up.

It can be hard to bust it up. To me, it doesn't matter how "innocent" or "innocuous" a friendship is... Even if his story is true, he lied. If he has to lie to his wife about seeing another woman in any capacity. He is having an affair and you are betrayed.

I'm so sorry for your revelation. I'm going through something similar. My wife also has boundary issues and I am trying to get to the bottom of them. You've come to the right place. Listen to the advice of the veterans here. Formulate a strategy and execute it independent of what your heart tells you. If you want to save the marriage then always keep that result in mind. Every action you take from here on out should be toward that result regardless of the turmoil and hurt you are feeling. That is my advice to you.

Hi zamt69a, welcome to Marriage Builders. If this is not already an affair, it will be soon. I suspect it already has crossed the line.

My suggestion would be to secretly install spyware on phone. Watch him for a week and see what they talk about. If they talk on the computer at home, put a keylogger on that. Gather your evidence and see how far this has gone. If he has an android phone, install eblaster [spectorsoft.com] and if he has an iphone, install flexispy. Both of those programs have built in GPS programs.

Once you have figured out deep the affair is, I would confront him and demand that he end all contact with her. We will help you with next steps, but your first step is to find out what they are talking about. Get the goods and then come back here and we will help you.

Sorry you are here but welcome.

I completely agree with the advice you have been given by Melody.





Please PLEASE do not do what some BS's do after receiving advice here that there is mostly likely an affair and to snoop -- and that is to then go and confront your H and tell him others also think he is crossing the line.

That will NOT work as you can see. Waywards will deny deny and deny unless confronted with proof. They will also gaslight you and make you think you are crazy and imagining things.

So QUIETLY snoop and get the proof as advised.

Hang in there!

Thank you for your quick reply. This has been going on for sometime actually and it has been very hard to "bust up" as you put it.

I "exposed" the affair in 2010 after reviewing phone logs that show quite a lot of texting going on...but not in the 100s just like several everyday but still to more than anyone else even to me. She usually initiates.

We were having problems already and intimacy declined. He put it down to health problems which he was having. Anyways I cried a lot and he would explode for no reason. Well it was terrible. He finally asked what he needed to do to and that's when I requested some boundaries which he agreed to. They both moved to different departments but had breaks together a couple times a week. Honestly I would have been ok with that bit still was getting texts on vacation which he didn't think a big deal but no other friend does that.

This year he got a new job but it's across the street so contact is still possible. The texts stopped but I think now it's e-mails. I haven't snooped though.

Our marriage really has improved and he would say when they(her and boyfriend and he) were getting together for lunch...about once a month.

And he's been treating me great...so when he told me this it ft like being hit with a two by four. Why did he deceive me and then tell me? That's what really puzzles me. Does he want me to end it or just seeing how much I'll put up with.

I have taken the high road so far. I don't know if I have the courage to leave. I still feel like I need to be patient. My husband encourages us getting together with her and other friends so
I've met her. She's not very personable but they don't seem weird or anything but he's told me she is quite insecure and is married with children but also has a boyfriend(by mutual agreement).

It's so weird to me.

Did you read my post?

Yes MelodyLane. But I really don't know. I guess I am afraid. Isn't there an alternative to spying? Depressed. Truly.

You need to know what's actually going on in your marriage.

Can you also get into your doctor for some ADs?

Spying is the best solution though. Keep in mind you have a right and responsibility to know EVERYTHING he does. We have had many marriages SAVED from spying on this forum. You want to protect your marriage, right?

You are grasping at straws here zam and I know that because I did the same thing.


Until you have the FACTS, you cannot compare your story to the others here. You do not have the facts when you base it on the things your husband is telling you. You have already found out that he is capable of looking you in the eye and lying.

Be smart and get the spy tools. Also get a VAR to put in the car because you have already alerted him to the fact that you are supsicious. He may have another "secret" phone.



You can recover your marriage but not until you have the truth. I don't think you have the truth. Your husband is acting and saying the same things that my own FWH did when he was having an affair with one of our family friends. I didn't want to believe it because I could not comprehend that he could do something like that especially since our families had get togethers on a regular basis. It is an addiction. Think of your husband as a drug ADDICT. Things will make more sense.

You will need to have nerves of steel if you are serious about killing this "friendship" and getting your husband back.

I'm sorry that you find yourself going through this. We have all been there and understand completely that you want to believe him.

Be strong.

See but that's the thing there's always gonna be ways to deceive if your mate wants to. He's got to want to be honest. Believe me I started down the spying path and it made me crazy! I don't want him if he doesn't want to be honest or with me!

I feel like building a wall around my heart. He will either leave because it's intolerable or come clean and commit to honesty.

Besides... I am already hurting. I don't think I'll want to save our marriage if the other shoe drops.

I'm sorry for the confusion. I appreciate everyone's concern and advice and will let you all know what I decide. Signed chicken little:)

Lots of hugs to you, Zam and welcome. I am sure you are exhausted. I remember how exhausting those conversations are with the secretive and stubborn bestbud of another woman.




Unless you can share with us another method to get the truth? Magic wand? Truth serum? Hypnosis?

You're depressed because you're exhausted and you're exhausted because you don't know the truth.

Once you know the truth you'll stop spinning your wheels and second guessing yourself - because you'll know.

Your husband has no right to put you in this state of uncertainty.

You have every right to check if you are being told the truth.

If you are, fantastic - your actions may have caught this before any romance or as an EA before it becomes full blown PA.

You have already probed a little into texts, but that was like taking a pea shooter to a gun fight.

You need ALL the facts and you need the simplest most effective tools you can get. And fast.

I wish I had ordered my gadgets the minute the vets here told me too instead of waiting for things to get even worse before acting.

But that does not solve the problem. Spying is the equivelent of a mechanic looking under the hood of the car. He can't fix the car if he doesn't know what the problem is. You have a serious problem in your marriage and you obviously can't fix it unless you look under the hood.

You won't know if your spouse is deceiving you unless you find out what he is doing when you are not looking. Spying does not make you crazy, it helps you trust him. By seeing what he is doing when he thinks you are not looking you can a) create trust and b) hold him accountable if there is a problem.

Sticking your head in the sand like an ostrich is very bad for your mental health and very bad for your marriage. It is an unhealthy approach to marriage.


We can't help you if you won't take some action here and find out what is really going on. It was your blind trust that enabled your marriage to get this bad, dear. Too much trust is what leads to affairs.

Fine. Find out the truth and leave him for not coming clean voluntarily. Why should this mean you shouldn't find out for YOU?



When people are in affairs, they act drunk and confused.

You are watching a drunk drive the bus and waiting for him to drive it over the edge.

You could just take the wheel yourself and find out the truth!

Why is less scary to be lied to and not know what is going on?

The truth is scary but this obsessive relationship between them will just get bigger and badder while you put your head in the sand.

You are depressed because you know there is a problem in your marriage and you are not doing anything to fix it. Your depression will go away if you fix the problem. But it will never be fixed if you ignore the problem.

Thank you so much everyone!

Zam, you mention that intimacy declined and he was being quite angry and 'explosive' with you.


These are the classic signs of a guilt ridden man who neither wants to leave his mistress nor his wife.

If you wait for HIM to act, you'll be waiting forever. He like this set up. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. Maybe its still just friendship. But he texts her more than you while attacking his relationship with you. So how long before its more?

If you wait, you will be forever sidelined, forever in the dark. The more serious the affair gets, the angrier and less intimate he will become.

When he has completely broken your spirit and you are a shell of your former self, he will tell everyone that the marriage is bad and his new friend so wonderful. She is never upset.

Or you could just look now.

Your call.

Does he allow you to look at their text messages to each other now? Have you matched the texts to the phone log to ensure he is not erasing them?

Why would he want to be honest when being honest will ruin his great set up? He has the best of both worlds. He has the benefits of marriage and is free to pursue his addiction to the OW.

It is not in his best interest to be honest.

He can't find ways to deceive you unless you allow it.

If you are waiting for the fear and confusion to magically dissipate, that's not going to happen.

You will feel confused as long as you don't know what's going on.

You just have to make the decision to take a stand and fight for your M. Push through the fear and DO.