I am a Christian woman who is unhappy in her marriage. My husband and I have been married 24 years and have five kids. Our marriage is in crisis and has been for some time. We have been attending individual counseling and marriage counseling for the past few months and it has helped, but sadly my feelings for my husband are unchanged.

We married young (I was pregnant), raised our family, ran a business, and now we are in our mid-40's with two kids still at home. We've had some significant struggles over the years, including major medical scares with our kids, financial problems, alcohol and substance abuse, and physical and emotional abuse. The counseling has been a huge help with the abuse issues. As well, our church has been involved with our family situation. My husband is literally a changed man and he wants very much to prove this to me and to live out the rest of our lives together.

The problem is, I don't feel the same. We grew apart a long time ago as he was busy with work and I was into the kids. However, I've never felt close to him on an emotional level and unfortunately this left me vulnerable to attachments to other people. This added to our dysfunction, I am sure of it.

I don't believe I can divorce because I am unhappy and/or unfulfilled. So I am trying to make a sincere effort to save my marriage, especially as my husband has turned his life around and has become a Christian too. I will admit, at this point, it feels like I am going through the motions.

My husband's therapist gave us His Needs Her Needs, but I struggle to answer the questions because my view of my husband is so tainted by past hurts and resentments. How do I get past my perception of him? I feel absolutely no love for him.

We are currently sleeping apart and have been for about eight months. This is my choice, not his. It feels wrong to be intimate with him when I'm not even attracted to him. Is there any hope to change my feelings for him? And more importantly, can a marriage survive without the emotional connection?

Welcome to MB, thislife. I am sorry to hear of the unhappiness in your marriage. I don't have much time to post right now, but other people will come along soon, although the board is quiet on Sundays.

To sum up your position as I see it: you have had a horrible marriage (as I and many people here have had) but now your H is highly motivated to change it, while you are not.

You mentioned alcohol and substance abuse, and physical and mental abuse. Could you give us details of these? Who was the abuser of what substances, and who did what emotionally and physically to whom? Are these abuses completely over? Is the substance abuser in an accountability programme like AA or NA? how was the physical and emotional abuse eradicated? Only if all these problems are completely removed can you work on other problems in your marriage.

If they have been dealt with, I want to urge you to consider signing up for the online MB course. You will be assigned a coach to guide you through filling out the ENQ (whose purpose, I suspect, you have misunderstood. It is not to find out what you love about your H, but about what -hypothetical or actual - conditions in marriage bring out feelings of love from your point of view. What does or would it take to make you feel love for a spouse?)

Your coach will help motivate you to change your marital behaviour to deal with each specific problem that has caused you to fall out of love with your H over the years. Your progress towards falling back in love is monitored until each issue has been dealt with successfully. You would spend about a year on the course. Please click "Courses, Seminar and Accountability" in the red area at the top of this page to read more about the online course.

Hello thislife, welcome to Marriage Builders. This program has a step by step plan to restore the romantic love to your marriage. Please read this and then come back and we will talk: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Thank you for the welcome, SugarCane and Melody. To clarify the abuse issues, my husband smoked pot for many years, until recently. He has also abused other substances over the years, including meth. He has always drank alcohol but it wasn't a problem for him. In fact, we never had it in the house until I started drinking about five years ago - I never touched the stuff before that as alcoholism runs in my family as well as my husband's family. Admittedly, the alcohol HAS been a problem for me more lately.

My husband had some anger issues which he has dealt with in counseling. He has mostly threatened me or the kids, calling us names, held me down or pushed me up against a wall, punched holes in walls, etc. Last fall he loaded his gun in front of me after an evening of arguing and I called the police. He spent a few days in the hospital because he was a threat to himself. But he has threatened to shoot us all and then himself before. That's when the counseling started and he stopped ALL drinking and drugs. As I mentioned before, he is a changed person. Although, many of the changes he made in the past few years as he joined our church and started getting more involved. He tells me that he would never hurt me or the kids and he doesn't know what else he can say for me to believe it. He is truly sorry for his past actions and how they have pushed me away from him.

Our relationship in the past few years was also quite volatile due in part to my actions and behavior - for example, openly flirting with other men while we were out with friends. It was almost always fueled by alcohol and lead to some horrific fights between us where hurtful things were said to each other. We have, however, made significant improvements in this area, again largely due to our church and to the counseling. I have also sought advice elsewhere online.

My husband is aware that some of my relationships have been inappropriate. I have a close OSF who is a mutual friend of ours. In addition there were some physical aspects that crossed the line while drinking with friends.

Neither one of us are in a program like AA, but we are both in individual counseling. My counselor prefers if I don't drink as it has been an issue for me and I have been dealing with depression. I have abstained from alcohol on and off in the last six months or so, but I am currently drinking again - just one or two glasses of wine or beer in the evenings.

I am here now looking for information specific to MB materials; HNHN, etc. This seems to be compatible with the help we are receiving in MC. I hope this clarifies some of the issues we are dealing with. In the meantime, I will read the material that MelodyLane posted.

Thanks for good answers, thislife. I want to assure you that you can turn this around, but it will take a lot of work on both your sides. The most glaring issues I see are:

1. his angry outbursts

In this, I would get the book Lovebusters and focus on the first 5 chapters. There is a thread with radio clips on it that address how to change this. You are really not safe with him until he truly gets this under control. Most abusive spouses do feel "remorse" but it does nothing to prevent abuse, nothing

2. your drinking. This is a huge problem since you have done things while under the influence that were very harmful to your husband. I would quit drinking entirely. And if you can't quit, you should look into treatment and/or AA meetings


What does this mean EXACTLY? Can you clarify? What happened and with whom?

Here.
Anger Management 101

Okay, I have read about creating a plan to resolve conflicts and restore love. This will be a huge challenge for us. We are just so far apart on so many issues. But in church today, I was reminded how important the marriage covenant is to God. I need to at least make some effort on my part.

I am somewhat familiar with the Basic Concepts and I've read a few of the Q&A columns before. I agree, Love Busters will be helpful for us to read. I will consider ordering Five Steps to Romantic Love too if needed.

I think we could begin working on the ENQ together, maybe tonight. So far, he has been reading the HNHN book on his own, but he's not a strong reader and is maybe a couple chapters into it. I breezed through most of it and I've read over the questionnaire.

Regarding the drinking, I have also made life changes and a big one for me is to avoid crossing boundaries. We went out with friends a few nights ago. I only had one drink, and the evening was enjoyable for both my husband and myself.

EA with one friend; heavy petting with another (while drunk), and lots of infatuations/borderline EA's in the course of our marriage.

thislife, I would start FIRST with Lovebusters, because you aren't going to get far unless his angry outbursts are under control.

And do order the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love NOW. When you get it, tear out the undivided attention worksheet in the back of the book and make copies. Sit down with him and schedule out 20+ hours of undivided attention time for the week. Plan out 4 - 4 hour dates meeting these top 4 intimate emotional needs: affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. In fact, I would schedule this out TODAY and start on this exercise now.

I wouldn't worry too much about the emotional needs questionnaires at this point. Start FIRST by eliminating lovebusters and going out on dates.

I understand this will be a challenge, AT FIRST. But if you will bring the body, the mind will follow. I promise you this will work if you follow these steps without cutting corners. No corner cutting! Can you commit to that?

I would also move back into your bed. You need to be sleeping together.

Have you eliminated contact with these men and started behaving appropriately around members of the opposite sex? Have you eliminated all opposite sex friendships?

One of the most important steps in protecting your marriage from another affair is creating an integrated leisure lifestyle and never spending the night apart.

The books you needs are:

Lovebusters
His Needs, Her Needs
Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook

And I would focus on the first 5 chapters of Lovebusters as your first lessons.

Thank you! I will share with my husband. At first he was embarrassed to talk about the domestic incident and he wanted to put it behind us. He understands now how it affected me and I believe he wants to change. And I DO need to move on, but there are always those lingering doubts in my mind...

I just thought of a really good questionnaire you should both take. Dr Harley tells couples all the time to take this questionnaire and exchange it with your spouse. Marital Problem Analysis Questionnaire

I have ordered Love Busters and the workbook. Should take a few days to get here though.


I can't tell you how hard this would be for me. Those emotional needs are some of the areas he is lacking for me. That's why I hesitated with the questionnaire. Do I tell him honestly where I am at? I worry that he will be crushed.

Also, I don't sleep well with him. He's a big guy and takes up a lot of room. He sleeps with a fan pointed right at him, which drives me crazy. And I'm not attracted to him in the least bit. I could maybe move past these issues if there was an improvement in his hygiene - another huge problem for me.

I'm sorry if this sounds like petty issues. They probably are. I'm just thinking about the reality of sleeping with him again. So, am I basically just going through the motions at first? I see that I will need to set aside my pride.

Not really, but I'm working on it.

Oh sweetie, that is why you don't have any feelings for him anymore. If you want to, then you need to tell him what he needs to do. He might be crushed, but he will get over it. Also, you have to be ready to hear things YOU need to do to meet his needs. So yes, answer honestly so he can fill those needs for you.

Yes, go ahead and move back into your bed and sleep with your H. It will be one part of rebuilding the intimacy in your marriage. Respectfully request that your H shower before going to bed, then you can more easily join him.

These are not considered "petty issues." HNHN has a whole chapter dedicated to Physical Attractiveness. This EN includes the issue of hygiene, as well as weight control.

When my H lost his weight, it made a HUGE difference in how I felt about him. Not only did he stop snoring AND take up less space in our bed, he looks very attractive, and I love to look at him. He loves the attention and my admiration, too.

However, as ML said, concentrate for now on the most serious issues, which are the love busters, especially his anger and your boundaries with the OS.

If your husband is not a strong reader, you might try reading aloud together, just a few pages at a time. That's how we did it, and it worked well. We also had the audio CDs which we listened to while in the car together.

Yes, this is where you start. The program does not work without this step. I would not focus on the EN questionnaire for now. Focus on the Marital problem analysis and focus on getting in 20 hours per week meeting the top 4 intimate EN's.

We know it will hard. But you will eventually love it once you fall in love. Bring the body and the mind will follow.


Then start here. You need to start by being honest with him. Tell him what bothers you about sleeping with him. Do you need a bigger bed? How could he arrange the fan so it doesn't bother you? What are the hygiene issues? you need to work together to make this very pleasant for both of you. What about buying new bedroom furniture that you both love? Think of things like that to make your bedroom the most pleasant place in your house.


These ARE NOT petty issues at all!! This is very important stuff because it prevents you from enjoying being with him. Anything that makes you unhappy is an obstacle in your marriage. Your complaints are very serious issues that need to be resolved. PLEASE read that statement again because it is sooo very important that you understand how important it is that you are honest about things that make you unhappy.

Think on this statement-------------> "Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance." Dr Bill Harley

What does "work on it" mean? That needs to be shut down NOW. You aren't going to EVER fix your marriage with other guys hanging around. That is a threat to your marriage that takes about 10 seconds to eliminate. Eliminate it!!

I know, I know...but he is like my best friend. Plus we are all mutual friends.

We will work on the analysis tonight.

Get him out of your lives, NOW. He is bad news. Your H needs to be your best friend and he can't take on that role with this guy hanging around.

You can't have any opposite sex friendships. You already know this is how affairs start because you have done it before! It is a very unhealthy and dysfunctional for your marriage.