MelodyLane: I have not done nothing about it not do I think I've ignored it.
EAs are all shades of gray. That is the problem.

Zamt69a,

I am by no means an expert here, but I've been following your thread and it reminds me of what I so desperately wanted to believe. When you posted the particular time frame that this has been going on, you wouldn't be here if you had no doubt that it was a true platonic friendship.

What I wanted to say is that there is true hope to recover your M. Just because you confirm a PA doesn't mean your M is over. Please understand what you described may not be a PA, but it is undoubtedly an EA, which is just as devastating. But the absolute essential thing is to find out for sure and end the relationship for good.

H's explosiveness and now getting along better with you is either or a combination of H knowing you may be on to him and his own guilt for his actions.

While I have hated to be "Sherlock Holmes" I much rather know the truth than guess and hope without confirmation.

Fear is your enemy now. You must get yourself together and move forward. Your M has about a snowball's chance in hell of truly recovering if you don't move forward. You will never be able to trust him and will always wonder if he is still cheating, maybe not with her, but another later on. Having an A gets pretty easy for a WH the second time around.

There, I just put in my 2 cents worth. PLEASE follow the experts here. They have been around and can help you. Please follow their every word.

Emotional affairs are ALL BLACK, no shading. And yes, they are a problem.

Omg Don'tLie2MeAgain Thank you for chiming. A light went on!
I am 100% sure now there either was an EA or about to be and I let him know I knew. I really just want her to get the *** away from him but I hear what you're all saying now: I have to whack him good and hard to get him out of his drunken stupor. I think that means find hard evidence and//or threaten to leave.
That's the only way to end it. Am I right?

I was hoping he could push her back into the friend zone or that it would die a natural death, but you're right it's fear and laziness speaking. Thanks. So much to learn.

And see, that cannot happen. You can't turn an alcoholic back into a normal drinker because he already has a taste for booze. This is why no contact is absolutely essential for recovery. You can't turn an affair back into friendship because their feelings are perpetually triggered with each and every contact.

If you will just do the snooping and see what is happening, we can help you with next steps. If you don't find anything, we are going to recommend that you demand no contact for life AND that he tell you ALL the truth about his affair. He would also need to pass a polygraph. Typically just asking for the polygraph [once they see you are serious] is enough to get them to sing like a canary.

Melody: To be honest that sounds extreme. You mean if I find nothing and he's innocent?

Isn't making demands a Love Buster?

How will you know he is innocent if you find nothing? If you find nothing, all that means is that he is not having an affair NOW. It doesn't mean there wasn't one in the past.

Having an affair and lying about it are extreme. A polygraph, on the other hand, is therapeutic because it helps him prove his innocence to you and helps you put this all to rest. It has saved many marriages around here.

NO, not when it comes to an affair or an inappropriate relationship.

Ok. I was reading about this in the Giver and the Taker. When we are in love we are the Giver and then they assume they can walk all over us. The Taker has to make demands to restore the balance.

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers." From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94

"I will leave you with another important point. I've already expressed my conviction that after an affair is over, there should be no contact between a spouse and his or her lover. But there is a related issue that is often ignored. When you marry, neither you nor your spouse should have any contact with any of your previous lovers. Anyone that you've ever loved is a temptation for you, and has the potential of re-igniting your feelings of love." Dr Bill Harley

here

Please read.
What is an Affair?