This will be long�I am sorry.

My wife and I first met when we were 12. I had a crush on her from the beginning but she just thought I was a dork. We would see each other about once a month because she moved back and forth between her parents, but we always had a good time talking. We would be at a gathering and end up apart from everyone talking for hours but were just friends. She got pregnant her jr. year of high school and decided she needed to change her life so she moved in with her mom and started joining her mom's religion. Her mom and my mom were friends and that is how we knew each other. Because she was at church every week with her mom and we got to spend more time with each other I started to develop feelings for her, little did I know that she was as well. Right before she gave birth her mom went through a divorce again and left the religion but she continued and my mom pulled her under her wing to support her in her decision. I went and visited her in the hospital the day she gave birth and held her son. Through our many discussions I knew that the father of the child was not in the picture and never would be. Over the course of a few months I wrestled with the idea of dating her and whether I could be a father to her child. When her son was 6 months old we ended up talking and I told her how I was feeling, she told me she felt the same way and we started dating.

My family was strongly opposed to us getting together and that caused problems but we persisted in our relationship. Fornication is strongly frowned upon in the religion but we ended up having sex before we got married. We both felt guilty about it but never talked about that guilt. After dating a year, I proposed and we were going to get married. My family still opposed it as did my friends but we did it anyway�.we were only 20. For the first year we got along about as good as a young couple can. Halfway through our second year she got pregnant and endured a very complicated pregnancy and sickness. I took care of her, our son, the house, and worked but in the end we had a healthy baby boy. For another year she was very sick and had a hysterectomy a year after the birth of our son. From there she recovered from that and experienced some depression but we pulled through and lived a happy life. We struggled financially due to her inability to work and the medical bills but we made the best of it. When her son was 5 I adopted him and life was good. When he entered school and our youngest was a few years old she went back to work part time. When we had been married for 7 years, she went on a cruise for her brother�s wedding that I was not able to attend. When she got back she seemed distant. I discovered a couple months later that she had met a younger guy on the cruise and had been talking to him on the phone almost every day since, but he lived across the country. She swears they didn�t do anything physical. She also dropped on me that she wanted to leave the religion and didn�t think our marriage would survive this. I told her I was committed to us and we could work through this.

For the next couple years we focused on us and discovered who we were and what we believed. By stepping away from the religion we lost our friends and my family limits their contact with us but we were happy and feeling connected. Right before our 10 year anniversary we became friends with a younger crowd of people and she started being withdrawn again. I figured out that she had feelings of loss by seeing the lives these people were living in their 20�s that she never got to experience and after being contacted on Facebook by and old boyfriend from when she was 13, she engaged in several sexually charged chats with him. I confronted her and she was angry that I spied on her. She refused to cut off contact with him and they continued to chat from time to time. Eventually he came back here for a visit and they met up for lunch that she didn�t tell me about. I eventually found out but she swears nothing sexual happened. 4 months after they started chatting she said she didn�t think we would make it through this and said it is probably best if we separate. By then she had stopped talking to him but wanted to move out and experience living on her own. We were not in a position financially for her to move out so we continued to live together and be intimate�.the sex was great btw. After a couple months of this she said she realized she wanted to stay with me and we tried patching things up but she still felt this draw away from me. This persisted for 10 more months until I caught her texting with a guy she met while out with our friends and she said we were done because she can�t live with me spying on her, so we decided we would divorce. During this time she said she loved me but wasn�t in love with me and didn�t know if she ever had been. Again, she wasn�t in a position to move out so we were stuck living together till we could figure things out. She told her mom who supported her but wouldn�t tell her dad because she knew he would talk her out of it. During this time I began to detach and move on. A few months later, she can see that I am detached and moving on and tells me she can�t imagine sharing her life with anyone else and wants to commit to our relationship�so we begin to work on it again.

We spent the next two years talking deeply about our feelings and trying to reconnect. I am feeling better about our relationship than I have in 4 years and she is expressing the same. She tells me that she still doesn�t feel �in love� with me but loves me very much and at the end of the day there is nobody she would rather spend her time with. Over the years there have been many guys from her past that have looked her up and they are always divorced or getting divorced and I joke with her that they are looking for someone from their past to hook up with. She dismissed this notion. Two weeks ago she is contacted by an ex-boyfriend from high school that besides me was her longest relationship�two months. He is a cop on the other side of the state and is trying to move back closer to his children�he is divorced. He tells her he needs to list all his ex-girlfriends for his background checks. I tell her that sounds like a line and he is just trying to get back with her. She dismisses this and continues to chat with him but is totally open about it. She said they want to meet up for lunch to �catch up�? I�m ask, what do you need to catch up on? You dated for two months 17 years ago. She insists that she doesn�t want to be with him because he has two small kids and I am the person she wants to share her life with. We talk openly about this and in the end I say I can�t make her not see him but I don�t� feel comfortable with it.

She meets with him and a day later I notice she is constantly on her phone texting. I ask her who it is and she says it�s him. I check our cell records and see that she had spent hours texting with him the day after they met but when I check her phone she has deleted the messages. I ask her to see the texts with him and I can tell by the look on her face that there is a problem. She tells me that they didn�t do anything physical but after spending 2 hours at lunch with him she knows he is who she wants. I tell her that we�ve been through this and I don�t want to go through this every couple years so we are done. She agrees that she needs to explore this and even if her and him don�t work out, the fact that she can feel this way means she needs to explore that feeling. She says he feels the same way about her and is going to break it off with his long term girlfriend who lives near us. They were going to move in together when he got a job over here. She continues to talk to him on the phone every day but insists they won�t see each other until they are free to. Again, she is not in a position to move out and won�t move out without the boys. She doesn�t think there is anything wrong with them talking every day and doesn�t view is as dating. She has told her mom, who of course supports her. She says she told her dad and that while he is sad he just wants her to be happy. I�m sure she didn�t tell him about the other man. We sleep in the same bed with a body pillow between us, she won� t be naked in front of me anymore and there is no physical contact between us. I have begun to try to detach and let go of the relationship but the core of who I am will not let me. I made a vow till death do us part and feel like I need to do everything I can to make this marriage work.

Should I move on? I have rationalized that the other two times were the result of what was going on in our lives at that time. This time seems different and I don�t see her coming back and don�t know if I want her to. I deserve someone who will love me the way I love them but my heart tells me I need to fight for this 15 year relationship.

I�m sorry for the length of this but any insights and advice are welcome. I am sure I have left things out.

Hi committed, welcome to Marriage Builders. You will get a lot more help if you will please cut that back to about 3 - 5 paragraphs. We just need basic facts and don't need the backstory of how you met, etc. if you could cut this down it will help others understand your situation well enough to be able to help you. Thank you and welcome!

It won't let me edit or delete it. Should I start a new topic?

No, just reply and give a summary of the problem you are experiencing, please. The "Edit" function disappears after about an hour.

My wife will be 35 next week and I am 34. We have been married for 14 years, together for 15, and friends for 22. We have two boys, 15 and 11.

At about 7 years she had a two month long distance phone relationship with a guys she met on a cruise. We worked through this and things got better. Two years later she withdraws from me and starts a sexual facebook relationship with an old flame. We we struggled through that for 4 months and "separated" but continued to live together. We reconciled from that and tried to make it work but she continued to have lingering feelings that she needed to go find something missin in her life. So 10 months later we are getting "divorced" but again have to stay living together. Eventually she sees me moving on and detaching and decides she can't live without me and we patch things up.

She is totally open with me about her feelings, open passwords to her computer, email, phone. She had dropped the I love you but I'm not in love with you speach. She still says she feels like something is missing but thinks she just may not be capable of feeling that way about anyone. This goes on for two years and I am feeling confident in our relationship and she says she is too.

Two weeks ago she is contacted by an ex-boyfriend from high school that besides me was her longest relationship�two months. He is a cop on the other side of the state and is trying to move back closer to his children. He tells her he needs to list all his ex-girlfriends for his background checks. I tell her that sounds like a line and he is just trying to get back with her. She dismisses this and continues to chat with him but is totally open about it. She said they want to meet up for lunch to catch up? I�m ask, what do you need to catch up on? You dated for two months 17 years ago. She insists that she doesn�t want to be with him because he has two small kids and I am the person she wants to share her life with.

She meets with him and a day later I notice she is constantly on her phone texting. I ask her who it is and she says it�s him. I check our cell records and see that she had spent hours texting with him the day after they met but when I check her phone she has deleted the messages. I ask her to see the texts with him and I can tell by the look on her face that there is a problem. She tells me that they didn�t do anything physical but after spending 2 hours at lunch with him she knows he is who she wants. I tell her that we�ve been through this and I don�t want to go through this every couple years so we are done. She agrees that she needs to explore this and even if her and him don�t work out, the fact that she can feel this way means she needs to explore that feeling. She says he feels the same way about her and is going to break it off with his long term girlfriend who lives near us. She continues to talk to him on the phone every day but insists they won�t see each other until they are free to. Again, she is not in a position to move out and won�t move out without the boys. She doesn�t think there is anything wrong with them talking every day and doesn�t view is as dating. She has told her mom, who of course supports her. She says she told her dad and that while he is sad he just wants her to be happy. I�m sure she didn�t tell him about the other man. We sleep in the same bed with a body pillow between us, she won� t be naked in front of me anymore and there is no physical contact between us. I have begun to try to detach and let go of the relationship but the core of who I am will not let me. I made a vow till death do us part and feel like I need to do everything I can to make this marriage work.

Should I move on? I have rationalized that the other two times were the result of what was going on in our lives at that time. This time seems different and I don�t see her coming back and don�t know if I want her to. I deserve someone who will love me the way I love them but my heart tells me I need to fight for this 15 year relationship.

I�m sorry for the length of this but any insights and advice are welcome. I am sure I have left things out.

I'm very sorry for the reasons that have brought you to this website. MB can help you fight for your marriage, if you are willing to follow a plan.

First - Plan A Here :

The first thing you do during Plan A is to get your hard, solid evidence of the affair, and keep it in a safe place.

Once you have your evidence, expose your wife's affair. Find out all you can about this OM and let all his friends and family know that he is having an affair with a married woman. Let everyone in your life know, too. Tell your children, if you have not already.

Exposure is not done vindictively. It's done to put pressure on the affair. It's like letting the sunshine in and killing the mold. Many affairs are killed upon exposure. Your wife is going to be very angry with you when you expose. Be prepared for this and stay calm.

The other reason for exposure is so you can get much-needed support during a terrible experience.

The other part of Plan A is to avoid all love busters and meet her ENs as much as she will allow you to. Do not get angry. Be calm; be enjoyable company. Look really good and smell nice. Do all you possibly can to show her that you can be the husband she is looking for.

Here's more on exposure: Here

Can you do this?

I guess that is my problem. I don't know if I want to. My head is telling me that she detached 6 years ago and I am wasting my time. If she doesn't know by now whether she wants to be with me, will she ever? My heart however is telling me that I still love her and need to do whatever I can to save this marriage. My gut is telling me it is beyond saving. I'm so confused and lost I don't know where to start.

She is a very proud person and I don't think she will come back once this is in the open. She is the type that once she makes up her mind, she won't go back. She has already told her parents we are done and wants to tell the kids right away. Once she makes it known, she will have too much pride to come back.

Again, she has done this two other times and I have been everything I could to her and she wants to throw away all we have for "feeling" she has. We rarely fight, get along well, are best friends, and have great sex. Our friends look up to us because of our relationship even though they know we have had problems we have worked through them. She still admits that she is worried that she is throwing away the best thing in her life for this "feeling" but can't ignore it. She can't even describe what it is. I have recorded their phone calls and it isn't sexual, they just talk about likes and dislikes, stories from their past, basic getting to know each other stuff. There are no I love you's or anything like that. I told her that he has been after her from the beginning and once he sleeps with her he will toss her aside....this scares her because part of her knows this is true but clings to the idea that he "feels" the same way she does.

Your wife is in the fog and it will get worse as the affair progresses. Right now, you have the best chance of saving your marriage.

Anyone here on MB would say that you are well within your rights if you were to decide to divorce your wife for this one affair, much more so since it's not her first. She obviously has poor boundaries around men and has a secret second life that will need to end if the marriage is to be great.

We are ALL wired to have affairs. We have to have a plan to avoid them. Your wife never had a plan.

This is your first time using MB, yes? If you can end the affair, you and your wife can use MB to create the kind of marriage that will not only avoid future affairs but will also be romantic and passionate. Isn't this what you both want?

Most wives are very angry when the affair is exposed and some threaten to leave "forever." However, many men here have exposed the affair and were able to kill it. After the affair is dead, it's possible to fix the marriage.

But one step at a time....

The best outcome would be for you and your wife to be in love again and to continue to parent your boys together, right?

If you want to end the marriage, we understand. But if you want to kill the affair and then work on building a great marriage, MB can help. You just can't go wrong with a solid Plan A. That way you can still do all that's possible to save your marriage and be able to divorce knowing you did everything possible first to save it.

Committed, one of the reasons this keeps happening is a) her past affairs have been kept secret, b) you have enabled her to a great degree and c) she has pisspoor boundaries around other men.

Regardless of whether you decide to save your marriage or not, the affair should be exposed wide and far. Everyone should know. The OMs GF, his parents, your children, your family and friends.

Please go read my exposure 101 thread in my signature and come back and let's talk about a plan.

Once you have exposed the affair I would DEMAND that she end all contact and confront the OM. You need to open up holy hell on the OMs head. OM are wimps and cowards and you can easily run him off.

I agree that I have enabled her. She has always thought that men and women can just be friends and I was never a jealous man. She has admitted that perhaps she has been wrong about this and if she had been a good wife she wouldn't have met up with him. She is always looking for validation from other people. I can compliment her on her looks and while she appreciates it, she minimizes it because I am her husband and "have to say that". Anytime another man compliments her she gets a boost of confidence....feeds on it and fishes for it.

She is a very attractive woman and is often mistaken for a 24 year old and nobody can believe that she has two kids let alone a 15 year old. I know she needs my attention but it has never been enough, she is so critical of her looks and questions everything about herself.

I have considered reporting the OM to his superiors as I'm sure that there is a code of conduct on the force and pursuing a married woman I'm sure would not be looked at kindly. I have also tracked down his GF and want to let her know what is going on. Of course, his FB page still has a pic of him and her and he tells my wife that he is "going" to break it off with her but is trying to do it slowing so as to not hurt her.

I will look at your Exposure 101 link.

I think she will have a lot more respect for you if you will ask her to end all opposite sex friendships for the sake of your marriage. That will show her that you care about your marriage. Jealousy is a good thing because it is simply a normal reaction to a threat to your marriage. A lack of jealousy is a problem when there are real risks.

That is the problem now. She does not view us as married anymore. I could tell her to end all opposite sex friendships for the sake of the marriage but she has already checked out. Obviously if we get to the point that we are actually working on our marriage that will be one of my requirements. I'm just trying to figure out if it is even worth working on. I am so conflicted.

You can't go wrong following the plan that has been outlined for you here.

First step: Expose wide and far. Make life miserable for the OM.

Whether you decide to save your marriage or not, this is the first step.

"If you know not where you want to go, you will soon find yourself there!" - Yuan Hung-Lo, mythical Eastern philosopher.

I guess that is my problem. I don't know if I want to. - ctw

Here's the trick, dude! Pay NO attention to what she wants, what you think she wants, what she might/might not do, or how she will feel as you actuate the MB Plan.

It's selfish [censored] time, friend. What do YOU want? If this statement is absolutely rock-hard, flint-edged TRUE:

My heart however is telling me that I still love her and need to do whatever I can to save this marriage.

then tell your "gut" to shut the hell up, strap on the body-armor, and wade into the fight! You will not be alone. There are folks here who have escorted BHs into, and (often successfully) out of, the maelstrom you're staring at.

If that statement above in red is something of which you're not certain, than take a moment to decide if you're certain or not, AS YOU PERFORM THE EXPOSURE! That step is necessary either way - fight to recover, or ultimately discard the witch - so there is no value in delaying the action. Mel and the others will give you the long-term guidance and support whichever way you decide to proceed.

EXPOSE! Her family (to third cousins thrice removed); your family; her employer; POSOM's family; POSOM's employer; all their friends; her clergy, her sorority sisters from whenever; her hairdresser and nail aesthetician; EVERYBODY!

Time to get to work, friend!

I agree it probably won't do much good to tell her to end opposite sex friendships NOW, but it will be relevant in the future. In fact, when you discuss reconciliation with her, I would bring this up.

However, her view that you are not married anymore is irrational. She can "view" herself as the queen of Transylvania, but it doesn't mean it is true. The truth is that she *IS* married and is obligated to behave like a married woman regardless of her views.

In the meantime, I would expose the affair wide and far. You should also mention her numerous past affairs. Don't go into deep details, just mention that this is her 3rd affair in your marriage.

Exposure will be a game changer.

committed,

Expose this wide and far.

I read through your story, and your wife has lied to you over and over about not sleeping with the men she meets. She has no control around men. She is very dangerous to you.

Does anyone know of a thread of someone who survived the affairs of a serial cheater, and who managed to rebuild the marriage? If yes, can you please post a link for Committedtowife. I have little hope for his marriage based on his wife's history. But there may be a successful story out there that he can read, that will offer hope and a path to recovery.

She is in NY now visiting family, a trip we had planned together. I went and talked to her dad about all of this. She did tell him everything...well...almost everything. She told him about the OM now but didn't tell him about the last six years and what she's done before. He is devastated and told her she is making the biggest mistake of her life. He supports me and told me that fighting for our marriage is fine but I need to get a lawyer. I am getting one today. I know ultimately, she is his daughter, and he will eventually accept whatever she chooses.

She left on Friday and I have had very little contact with her since, none since Saturday. She called Saturday night because I had gone to a funeral for a close family friend and she was worried about me. I told her how it went and told her about all the people that said hi to her but kept it very matter of fact and haven't talked or texted her since.

I looked at her email and found an email she sent the POSOM while waiting at the airport. She was professing her love for him and talked about how she feels about him. She openly talked about them getting married and their future together. She is fully head over heels in love with this guy. The things she said to him I have never gotten from her. I don't think this is a fog she is going to come out of....this is how she feels and doesn't feel this way about me and never will. It is very clear to me now that I need to move on...this relationship is over.

I am calling a lawyer today and am preparing myself for what is to come. The pain in my heart is greater than anything I have ever experience.

I am so very sorry. But I would implore you to follow our advice TODAY and expose the affair according to the instructions in my exposure thread. That should be done regardless of your decision to try and save the marriage.