This is why you don't feel love for your husband. You are making it impossible for him to deposit love units into his account in your love bank, by letting other men make the big deposits (i.e., be your best friend).

I understand this concept and I am willing to give my husband a chance to fulfill those needs for me. But before he can be my best friend, I need to be able to trust him and feel safe with him.

And before you can even TRY, you have to lose this "friend" and any other male friend. THAT must happen first.

We would have to move away, attend a different church, etc. He's not just my friend, but my husband's friend too. Same for other male friends. We hang out as couples and our kids play together. I have the boundary situation completely under control.

The kids were away so we had time to talk last night. I shared with my husband the plan you outlined and he was totally onboard with it. We printed out a Marital Problem Analysis for each of us to fill out. We haven't shared with each other yet. I also printed the Love Busters questionnaires since we won't have the book right away. Our thoughts are to share this with our therapists this week when we meet for individual and marriage counseling.

About the sleeping arrangements... I am still in the bedroom and he has been on the couch.

If he was just a "friend," then you should stop being a friend with this couple. Was he more than that? Having a boundary "under control" means you eliminate the threat. That has not happened here.

It is ok to have couples FRIENDS, but this one sounds like he was a PERSONAL friend to you. That is a danger to your marriage.

Did you have an affair with this man?


A word of advice about counselors. They have not the slightest idea how to save a marriage and won't be of any help unless they use these concepts. Marriage counselors are destructive to marriages and are little more than divorce facilitators. Very few are even pro-marriage and they have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. You would be better off getting pedicures.

What is the purpose of individual counseling?


Did you read my comments about sleeping together? This comment doesn't address my point.

p.s. marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate. They don't have the slightest idea what they are doing.

Absolutely. That is how it worked for us as well. My wife had to eliminate a relationship she was developing on Facebook. (In fact, we had to eliminate Facebook altogether - and I'm glad we did!) And I had to eliminate a lot of abusive behaviors that were making her unsafe. The end result is we are best friends, and lovers, too. She is thrilled, and I see it in her eyes.

All of the information on how to do this is here in this website.

My wife's Facebook relationship was with one of my "friends."

He has been a very good friend to me and we have a lot in common... I will leave it at that. But he is also a friend of our marriage. He has been a huge influence in my husband attending church. My husband is aware of the situation and doesn't care for me to spend time alone with him, but otherwise he is okay with our friendship. Same with the other friend.

My husband was required to attending counseling after the domestic incident. Our church helped to arrange it and pay for it in the beginning. Both of our therapists are Christian and are very pro-marriage.

I was against marriage counseling or even counseling for myself until it was highly recommended to me on another forum - the people on that forum are not keen on my friendships either. I'm honestly stuck on the friendship issue since our families are so close. I believe it was entirely my fault, regardless of the problems between my husband and I, so it's on me to make it right.

My husband and I did talk about the sleeping arrangements. I think he is being patient with me and giving me space. A few months ago he was mean about it and getting tired of my attitude and drinking and no progress in our relationship, but he now realizes how his nastiness pushed me further away. (And I now realize how disrespectful I was and heading down the wrong path.) My entering counseling was a sign to him that I was willing to work on us and it gave him hope. The fact that we can even spend time together and converse in a respectable way with one another is a huge improvement!

I should also mention that in addition to avoiding the recreational drugs and alcohol, my husband is taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs as well as managing his diabetes and taking his prescriptions for that (something he has never done). I believe this has also helped his change in attitude.

He is NO friend of your marriage if he has taken your husband's place as your best friend.
Are you already so emotionally attached to him that you cannot eliminate this friendship in order to protect your marriage?

But we are telling you this friendship is NOT ok. The fact that your husband is aware of it does not make it ok. This is how affairs start. You are not only extremely vulnerable to an affair but have had affairs in the past.


Once again, marriage counseling is destructive to marriages. Most people are not even aware of this because they have done no research on the subject.


If you want to make it right, then stop taking risks wtih your marriage and your children's family and end this "friendship." It is harmful to your marriage.


Thats great! So are you going to sleep together now?

I am very attached to him as we have been friends for years; I feel loyal to him.

My husband would be highly suspicious if I suddenly said we all can't hang out anymore; and not only that, but never to see each other again?? We live in a small town, attend the same church, our kids are friends, all of our friends are mutual friends...I just don't see it happening.

I HAVE made every effort to spend more time with my husband and to turn my focus to our relationship. More importantly, I have turned back to God and I continue to draw my strength from Him.

But our marriage counselor gave us the His Needs Her Needs book. We are only three sessions into the MC so I'm not sure what to look for?

It is very alarming to see you holding this tight to this "friendship" when we have told you of the dangers. WE are not asking you to NEVER see him again, but to stop the friendship. Your "friendship" with this man is highly unappropriate and makes it much harder for your husband to develop a friendship with you. Discussing personal issues with another man is how affairs begin.

Your husband should be suspicious now. Spending more time with your husband will not resolve the problem. Just take the article about the danger of opposite sex friendships to your husband and show it to him. Have your husband email the article to your friend and explain that it is a good idea to back off.

That is a promising sign. Just be cautious and keep us posted! If she/he is an advocate of Marriage Builders we can help you decide if the advice is true to the program.

Why would he need to be suspicious? Just tell him the truth: this man is your best friend, so you needed to end the relationship so you can be best friends with your husband.


Then there's no hope, here. Your love bank will continue to accept deposits from this other man. It will happen every time you talk to him.

Just an aside, let me tell you about a wonderful resource for your marriage:

Marriage Builders Radio:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio/radio.html

I am aware of the dangers. I told him several months ago, when this all started, that I couldn't talk to him about personal matters out of respect for my husband, nor could I spend one-on-one time with him, going out for drinks, etc. anymore. My husband was cc'd on it. I also talked to our Pastor privately about the situation. It was a learning experience for all of us.

He is like a brother to me - I am closer to him than my own siblings. However, I would never cheat (physically) on my husband due to my morals and I now understand the effects of emotional affairs as well. I didn't before - my infatuations and poor boundaries were ways that I coped with an unsatisfying relationship with my husband.

I think my husband would be concerned if we quit going to counseling. To him, it says that I am serious about working on our problems. Also, he really likes his therapist. I am more apt to research and read on my own and to ask questions. That's why I am here.

Although I told my husband that my relationship with our friend was inappropriate, he was more relieved to know that I haven't cheated on him physically with anyone (besides the drunken incident). That's how out of control my behavior was last year. He doesn't really get the idea of EA's except for what he read at the beginning of HNHN. Believe me, he keeps an eye on us.