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You can't have a "friendship" with someone with whom you have had an affair. I see. Is this the crux of the matter? Because I don't refer to it as an affair? I can understand why you would think that I am being deceitful because I'm calling it a friendship. I do feel like most of the issue was boundaries, although I am aware that most would call it an emotional affair. Not sure what to say about the second friend, except that it was really stupid of me and I'm not sure why I did it. No, I never had sex with him. As far as exposure, I told my husband everything. And my pastor too. So, is the concern that because of the closeness of that relationship, I will always be in danger of it starting back up? I sort of felt that if my husband and I were strong in our relationship that we could move past all of that nonsense. Afterall, he is okay with us all being friends.
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In Texas, we call that some good bullshyttin! Seriously?? I'm not trying to be deceitful about anything. I think that I've been very honest about the reason why I am here. Are you saying a kiss is defined as a physical affair? Because I'm not sure if I see it that way. I've never disagreed that the relationship was inappropriate. It's just complicated, that's all. And for sure, the whole mess was made worse by alcohol. Most of that group of friends (we are all former neighbors) have cut way back as it was completely out of control. The alcohol abuse is something that I have been working on personally in counseling as well as a few other issues. My husband believes that I had a MLC. I'm open to that interpretation too. I just know that none of my actions in the past few years have made me any happier. I don't want to go back down that road. I want to be healthier and to be able to inspire my kids and most of all to follow God's will. You must think we are morons here. You don't mention that you were smooching it up with your "brotherly friend" until I drag it out of you. Do you also smooch it up with your own brothers? Really? You are having an affair with this man. That is why you glossed it over in the beginning with weasel words like "inappropriate" and "overly attached." Have you used these same weasel words about your affair the OM's wife? Does she know about your "meaningless" smooches in the bar? You have been extremely deceitful. The biggest problem in your marriage is your AFFAIR. Your relationship isn''t "complicated," it is an every day, garden variety AFFAIR. The only thing "complicated" is your lying and spinning about it. ] My husband believes that I had a MLC. Which is nonsense. You can tell him the crisis here is your AFFAIR and nothing more. And your marriage is in crisis until the affair is EXPOSED and you end all contact with this man. Does the OM's wife know what you have done?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Oh! No...I definitely see that. I just don't know what to DO about it. I'm being realistic. This couple has been in our lives for several years. And my husband was originally content to let me talk this guy's ear off. Not so much anymore of course. There is NOTHING inappropriate going on now. OH YES there is. You are still in contact with him. THAT is inappropriate. All of our friends know we are working on our marriage. They are also all aware of the "incident". Does this man's WIFE know what you did? Do your children? Does everyone know you are currtently having an affair with this man but calling it a "friendship?" They want the best for our family. The reality is that my husband and I haven't been doing any of those most important emotional needs that were mentioned earlier in this thread. The conversational need really stands out. I've always sought out other people to fill that need. I am LEARNING. Please be patient with me. This is all a distraction until you have ended all contact with this OM. You had the affair for one reason and one reason only: you have pisspoor boundaries with men. AND STILL DO. That has not changed. Your husband is not safe around you until that changes. I have done a study on James so I'm familiar with the verse you shared. I just finished reading a book on spiritual bondage which is a little far out there for most Christians, Have you got to the part yet about REPENTANCE? True repentance means to turn away from your SIN. That has not happened. And I want to know if this man's wife knows what you have done?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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There is NOTHING inappropriate going on now. The relationship IN OF ITSELF is inappropriate. Believe me, I would love for my husband to be the person I confide in.
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I also told my husband about my getting too friendly with another male friend of ours while we were all drunk. With that friend, it is purely a physical thing. Suffice it to say, I am no longer trusted to go out drinking with friends." WHAT HAPPENED?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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There is NOTHING inappropriate going on now. The relationship IN OF ITSELF is inappropriate. Believe me, I would love for my husband to be the person I confide in. That is a lie. Stop lying.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have mod notified that this thread be moved to Surviving an Affair since this is all about her affairs.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And I want to know if this man's wife knows what you have done? What exactly am I suppose to say to his wife?? Everyone knows we are good friends. Yes, there have been some rumors. But even my husband doesn't have a problem with staying friends with this couple. What am I suppose to do? I'm the one looking up all the information and printing out questionnaires for us to fill out. It's awkward to be on this side of things and trying to make it right and have everyone believe what I'm saying. I'm not trying to twist the situation so that I can continue an affair. My goal is to do what is RIGHT which is hard for me because spending time with my husband doesn't FEEL right, but I'm making an effort, aren't I?
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I said it already...heavy petting. I'm not going into details here. My husband was present, but he was in another area at the time and didn't see it. We were all VERY inebriated. I talked to that friend as well and apologized for my poor behavior. My husband was actually more upset about that one time incident than the long term emotional connection with our other friend.
Last edited by thislife; 06/24/13 05:15 PM.
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And I want to know if this man's wife knows what you have done? What exactly am I suppose to say to his wife?? The TRUTH. The full truth. This is vital information about her life that has wrongly and cruelly withheld from her. Everyone knows we are good friends. Yes, there have been some rumors. But even my husband doesn't have a problem with staying friends with this couple. What am I suppose to do? Expose the affair to your friends and your children after your HUSBAND has told this man's wife what you did. After that happens, you should send a no contact letter to this man telling him to never ever contact you again. And you should never see or speak to him EVER AGAIN. NEVER.[I will post the letter below] Write out what you did with this woman's husband, being completely honest and ask your husband to hand deliver it to his wife. And you can't warn the OM before this happens. My goal is to do what is RIGHT which is hard for me because spending time with my husband doesn't FEEL right, but I'm making an effort, aren't I? So far your main efforts have been about keeping your OM in your life and hiding your secret from his wife. We will know how serious you really are based on your actions regarding telling the truth to the victims of your affair and ending your affair. What about the other affair? Is that guy married too? And what did you do with him?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The reality is that my husband and I haven't been doing any of those most important emotional needs that were mentioned earlier in this thread. The conversational need really stands out. This thread needs to be moved to SAA. There will be NO progress in your M, no matter how much you and your H learn about meeting ENs so long as you are in contact with the OM.
Last edited by SusieQ; 06/24/13 05:17 PM.
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I said it already...heavy petting. I'm not going into details here. My husband was present, but he was in another area at the time and didn't see it. We were all VERY inebriated. I talked to that friend as well and apologized for my poor behavior. My husband was actually more upset about that one time incident than the long term emotional connection with our other friend. Is this man married too? My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What??! How can you just move MY thread?? I'm sorry, but I don't believe that my straying in our marriage is still an issue. We both have made mistakes in our marriage, but neither of us is ready to give up yet, no matter the odds. Are you saying that identifying the problems in our marriage through the Marital Problem Analysis worksheet and going through the Love Busters questionnaire is pointless?
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What??! How can you just move MY thread?? I'm sorry, but I don't believe that my straying in our marriage is still an issue. We both have made mistakes in our marriage, but neither of us is ready to give up yet, no matter the odds. Are you saying that identifying the problems in our marriage through the Marital Problem Analysis worksheet and going through the Love Busters questionnaire is pointless? The biggest issue in your marriage are your AFFAIRS. That is the sinking Titanic. That is like the falling down drunk trying to "recover" while still drinking. You have to FIRST stop drinking before you can work the 12 Steps. Of course you don't believe your affairs are an "issue" because you have only continued your affair by changing the name to "brotherly friendship." BEFORE you can even begin working on your marriage, your affairs have to be addressed and your marriage affair proofed. Your affair is STILL ACTIVE so nothing can be done until it is exposed and all contact is ended.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Why don't you go call up this guys wife and tell her you were smooching it up in the bar with her husband and see how she feels about your "brotherly friendship?"
Would she feel the same about his continued association with you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm sorry, but I don't believe that my straying in our marriage is still an issue. You cannot sweep an affair under the rug and stay in contact with the OM. This is affair recovery 101. But you refuse to acknowledge it because you don't want to end your relationship with this man. Keeping this secret from the OM's W is cruel and WRONG. Were you just talking about bible verses a few posts back?
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I'm sorry, but I don't believe that my straying in our marriage is still an issue. I'm sorry but you don't know anything about saving marriages. And you have an agenda -- you don't want to give this man up. Dr Harley would tell you that (a) you cannot fix your M while you still have contact with these OM and (b) ANY contact with an OM is incredibly cruel to both your H and to OM's W.
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She is the cheater who just pulled the old "we will just be friends now!!" trick in order to keep the affair partner in her life. That is all that has happened here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am shocked and amazed that she was just talking about studying the bible but then when asked about telling OM's W about this affair, her reply is but don't I get some credit for trying to work on ENs with my H???
What about this man's poor wife who has been stabbed in the back?
Good grief!
I know, I know, the fog...but still!!
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Do the right thing, thislife. It's very simple.
This woman has a right to this information. And I know that you KNOW this.
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