This is the part that I don't get. First of all, calling it an affair. Second, even if we agree that it was an emotional affair, how is it still active? We have ended all inappropriate contact. I don't think his wife would bat an eye about a few kisses. He does that all the time between friends; doesn't make it right, but he's a friendly person... and of course there's the alcohol issue. We have barely hugged since I sent that letter. And that's another thing - I sent a letter to him about us not talking about my marriage and spending time together alone and issues about emotional affairs. My husband was cc'd on the letter. Why does the whole thing need to be dredged up again?

The second friend was separated, now in the process of a divorce.

No, you have not ended all "inappropriate contact," because ANY contact keeps your romantic feelings for him alive. You are having an affair and an affair is inappropriate. Changing the name will not change your relationship. An affair is an affair.


Aren't we cavalier about someone ELSE'S MARRIAGE? Just because you DON'T CARE that you were having a physical affair with a another woman's husband does not mean that SHE doesn't care. Many women would punch you out for putting your paws on her husband. That is HER HUSBAND, not yours!

WHY DON'T YOU INFORM HER OF WHAT YOU DID WITH HER HUSBAND?


And I see MORE weasel words here: "we have barely hugged." Lets stop with the weasel words. I know the language of weasel quite well and it won't work here.


Since you didn't mean a word of it in the past and have just continued your affair with him, of course you need to send another letter. One that ENDS your affair. You should commit to NEVER see or speak to him for life.


Which means HE IS MARRIED. Not divorced = MARRIED.

Can you send your husband here?

He doesn't like to participate in forums. And I think this would just get him all worked up.

This is so unfair. I've already been lambasted on these issues in the other forum. I get it. I have boundary issues. Six months ago I had never heard of an emotional affair, okay?

I came here looking for specific advice about using the MB's tools to work on my marriage. I didn't get much feedback on the other forum about it, so I came here. Why would I do that to continue an affair? Why not just leave my husband? Or not do anything and take it underground?

People make mistakes. I'm not a bad person. I'm trying to figure out what is best for our family. We've had a lot of ups and downs over the years. Our kids are teens and young adults now and we want better for them. We were just teenagers ourselves when we got together. This is really hard for me to admit my faults and to ask for help. And to involve people from church? It is hugely embarrassing to me. It has taken a month of counseling just to get me out of a deep depression. Heck, it was difficult for me to even leave the house to go to counseling.

I really believe we are doing better and are on the correct path. I don't understand why we have to go backwards?

I honestly don't think you are serious in the least about saving your marriage since you swept your affairs under the rug, but I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. If you are serious, you will have your husband call the OM's wife and tell her THE FULL TRUTH about your affair with her husband. Tell your husband EVERYTHING, holding nothing back so he can tell the OM's wife.

Then sit your kids down and tell them all about your affairs, without the weasel words you have used here. Tell them straight up you had an affair with Mr. OM and because of that you will be changing churches and won't be associating with their family ever again.

Tell your family and close friends about your affairs and ask for their support for your marriage. And for God's sake, stop blaming your husband for your affairs. Take some accountability for your own pisspoor boundaries.

Send the OM the no contact letter I posted previously.

The next step is to change your phone # and give your H full access to your phone and email accounts. Every method of contact with the OM should be cut off. Your life should be so transparent that it would be impossible to have another affair. And most certainly, you should not be drinking or hanging out in bars.

And most off all: leave that woman's husband ALONE. You are a menace to his wife and children.

And lastly, your husband should call up the wife of your OTHER affair partner and tell her what you have done.

If you do all of this, then we will know you are serious. If not, we will know you are just here to waste our time.

thislife, I've just caught up on your thread, and I am dizzy with the minimizing of the damage you have done to your marriage when you describe your acts with these men. And yes, THEY ARE AFFAIRS. You didn't just 'get drunk' and get busy 'because' you drank too much - you are using the alcohol as your excuse for your behavior. STOP IT. At your drunkest, there was still a very sober part of your emotions that never gets drunk. You had a CHOICE. You CHOSE poorly.

You are obviously assuming we are fairly naive. That is very far from the truth, as you are learning. You will get very little traction here if you hide the truth, polish up lies and present them as facts, or any other conflict-avoidance technique you wish to attempt. As you have seen, these attempts will be called out for the BS that they are.

This is all intended to help your marriage. That's why you're here, isn't it?

Get real with the members here. You may be able to save your marriage.

Minimizing.
Minimizing.
Minimizing.
STOP with the minimizing! Don't try to make this a non-issue. It will not help you.

But didn't you say you went to your pastor about your marriage issues? Did you lie to him as well?

How so?

Please consider this, people in this forum are experts on affairs, they read, followed and lived through the MB method that is created by an expert at saving marriages, Dr Harley.
They see affairs they have gone through affairs and have helped many people recover from affairs so if they are telling you your having or had an affair then you HAVE. No one here gets any kicks of accusing you of doing things, the simple truth is that

1) you SHOULD be embarrassed about your behaviour and are simply living with the consequences our bad choices.

2) if you truly mean what you say when you said that you want what's best for your family then cutting contact completely with males you have had inappropriate contact with is doing what's best for your family.

3) Dr Harley strongly opposes opposite sex friendships so either way you need to cut contact if there is the faintest chance that nothing is going on anymore with these so called "friends".

That is the reality of your situation, there are no shortcuts or exeptions if you truly want to move forward and have a great marriage,

Ps. You remind me alot of my FWH he used to say he never had an affai he simply had a relationship within a relationship, it took me showing him the definition of affair in the dictionary before he finally admitted it was an affair. You are doing the same thing now, your friendships with these men HAS negatively impacted your marriage weather you are willing to see that or not its still happened and its up to you to stop it, no one can make you do that.

Kissing most definitely is a physical affair. See my signature? "All" my wife did was kiss and fondle like teenagers. If you touch, it is physical.

THIS. ALL OF THIS. Will you do this to begin to drag your marriage out of the ditch?

And don't LIE to us about what you've done. Don't come back and say "YAY! I did everything you said and we are good to go!" We've had posters do that, as well. And then they come back and admit that it didn't quite happen that way, and now they're separating.

Do yourself a favor and tell us the truth.

Everything has already been exposed.

You're kidding, right? Involve my kids?? How is that helpful?

I have! "I believe it was entirely my ...I, so it's on me to make it right."

I understand the purpose of a NC letter, but the problem all along has been my HUSBAND's reluctance to give up our friends. As long as I am with HIM and treating him with respect he doesn't have a problem. Keep in mind that this has not come up in counseling yet and he has not read all the materials that I have read.

I am okay with this. I'm not trying to hide anything and I leave my phone sitting out in plain view now days. I'm working on the drinking.

I'm not pursuing him. He contacts me most of the time unless my husband asks me to call them.

Impossible. There is a reason why they are getting a divorce. She's not even allowed to see their kids. Also I babysit for him occasionally. I know, I know...avoid contact.

That is a lie. Your victims do not know the truth. All the truth about your affairs should be conveyed to their wives by your husband. Not weasel truth, but RealTruth.

And I seriously doubt your husband knows the full truth about your affairs. The dishonesty you have shown here is surely 1000x worse in your own home.


The truth is always helpful. You involved your kids when you had your affair with their friend's father. Having an affair is not "helpful." Lying to kids is not "helpful."




Your entire thread has been about how it is your husbands fault. When a person truly takes responsibility for their crimes, they have no need to cite the wrongdoing of others - you do it over and over again:




I view this as more of your desperate attempt to keep your affair alive at all cost. You will say anything to keep this woman's husband in your life. Only a person in an affair would do that.

Once again, the first step is to end all contact with your OM. It doesn't matter if your husband agrees or it has not come up in counseling yet. That is a mandatory first step in recovery from an affair. We don't need your husband or a counselor to know this:


See that? He doesn't say be cute and change the name of your affair and continue the "friendship," but to completely separate for life. NEVER contact this person again. NEVER AGAIN. Regardless of whether your husband agrees. And regardless of whether a counselor agrees.


"Working the drinking" is the language of WEASEL. Please stop using weasel words with me. There is no "working on," there is only quitting. If you can't quit, then admit it and get help.

Leaving your phone out does not solve the problem because the OM has that #. You have to change all means of contact and shut that road down. We don't care if you leave your phone lying around; it doesn't solve the problem.


Leave this woman's husband ALONE. You are a menace to her marriage.


And you are probably PART OF the reason. You screwed around with their dad and you have the NERVE to go around his children? How revolting...

That is not a "problem;" it is another EXCUSE. One of many.

Okay, but can't my romantic feelings follow my efforts? You said, "But if you will bring the body, the mind will follow." I want to make every effort to change my romantic feelings towards my husband. Now I have to stop all of those efforts and possibly make my husband more angry with me?? I'm confused.

Thislife,

One thing is that while you are allowing this OM to meet your need for conversation you're less likely to work on this with your H, and it is work. For a time you may have to forget your resentments and memories and selfless work with your H.

When I first came to MB my W and I were in a really bad place and I just decided to improve my treatment of W whether she did the same for me or not.

Kissing is more intimate than genital sex in some ways, I suspect you haven't wanted to kiss your H in years perhaps decades, but objected less to "sex" with him.

God Bless
Gamma

Yes, you have to stop all contact NOW so you can create romantic feelings for your husband. Get the OM out of your life TODAY.

Ask your husband to call the OMW TODAY and give her the full facts about the affair. Hand him your phone and tell him you are closing down all avenues to the OM and sending him a nc letter TODAY.

What on earth??! I swear to you that my husband knows everything. There was really not much to tell anyway. What he doesn't know, or rather, what he doesn't understand, is how emotional affairs work. He doesn't care for all this fluffy relationship stuff. It's foreign to him. He just wants to go fishing or watch t.v. and not be bothered unless he needs me. I actually made him turn off the t.v. last night to fill out that Marital Problem Analysis. So what he wouldn't understand is how hard it is to get someone else out of your head.

Stop trying to change the subject.

Go ask him to call the OMW TONIGHT and tell her everything about the affair. The kissing, groping, everything. Get the OM out of your life TODAY.

Hand him your phone and tell him you are closing down all avenues to the OM and sending him a nc letter TODAY.

Why don't you write out HERE what you did with this woman's husband that she needs to know. Write it out here and then print it up and give it to your husband and ask him to call her and read it.

But post it here first so we can proofread it for weasel words and give you feedback.