Hi
I'm new here and just wanted to introduce myself and maybe vent for a min to people who might actually understand..
I'm a 28yr old mom of 3.. I have been married for 6yrs(together for 7yrs)..
I first cheated on my husband, we were struggling/living with his parents/he was OTR truck driver so me and the kids hardly saw him and I felt alone and while I never had sex with this guy it we did hang out and it was more of an emotional affair bc he gave me what my husband couldn't..
Once my husband found out, I stopped contact and chose to be with my husband and our family.. What I did was wrong, you know the saying you don't know what you have till it's gone, well I almost lost it and i regret every second of it.. Here comes the twist I guess you could say bc it was my husbands ex gf who told him I cheated.. Me desperately needing friends and someone to talk to I confided in her, but I guess she decided she wanted him back and well used everything I said to get him.. We deleted people in our lives and tried to move on..
About 1yr later I thought everything was great, we had a home and he had a new job and it was all ok.. little did I know he was talking to his ex gf saying he wanted to be with her, and he couldn't leave me yet but he will ect. I guess he did something she didnt approve of sooo she came and told me everything.. I was devastated and broken.. So I snooped thru his messages where I found that his male friend wanted him to get me to have a 3sum with him, and he wanted to hook up with him.. The ex gf sent me messages that he sent her while they were together saying how he wanted to be with a guy ect.. I confronted him with everything and after a week apart he begged me to take him back..
6months later I find I'm preg with our youngest.. He wanted a boy and we both hoped for a boy, I was crushed after finding out we were having a girl.. Not to long after the ex gf decided she was going to rat him out again and sent me a message showing me where he told her we were having another girl and that he wants HER to have his son... Reading it destroyed me and I guess it was at that point I lost all trust and my heart was shattered... But yep you guessed it I forgave him and took him back... I deleted everyone's number and blocked alot of people and that seemed to fix the problem there..
But another 6 months goes by and I find messages from other girls.. Girls that don't even live near us!! I asked him why and his answer was/is always I don't know.. One woman even knew about me! So I of course talked to her and she told me that he said he loves me but doesn't feel like I love him.. I have tried everything to make him feel loved, no I don't have a job that brings in money bc we agreed he would take care of that, yes alot of times I'm to tired at night but it's bc I have waited on him and the kids hand and foot and have cleaned the house and taken care of the pets and honestly when ur day starts at 5am and goes till 9pm without even a break you are going to be exhausted and when he comes home there is no help, he sits on his computer or phone and totally ignores us..
Anyway!! Back in feb/march of this year he tells me he has a job meeting(every 1st Monday of the month he does but rarely goes). We put a tracker in his phone so I could see where he was since he always has his phone.. Well I could tell his phone was in the company parking lot, which I thought was odd but the tracker sometimes isn't accurate and I just assumed it couldn't get the exact location.. Well the youngest had an emergency so I called him to come home and didnt get an answer.. Again odd but I was to busy to think anymore if that. He called back about 20 min later to say he was on his way home.. A few weeks later I had to get in his laptop and messages pop up, one was from his friend(he's gay).. So as I was closing out of it I seen something that caught my eye..
My husband: "what ur bf not giving you any?"
Him" no I just had fun with you, I wish we could of hooked up a few more times before I become serious with him"
My husband" yea me too, I wish you could of F**** me harder"
*they then talked about bj and how my husband doesn't know if he would be good at it.. And that I'm not(yea that's not what him and the 2 other guys I have been with said..)

I immediately called him and told him to pack his things bc he was gone.. I messaged the guy, telling him who I was.. They both claimed nothing ever happened and it was roll playing... I wasn't born yesterday and what I seen wasn't roll playing..
I have taken him back again, but it's caused a huge break in our marriage, I no longer can trust him.. I never got a reason why he did it.. I am so upset still and I can't get over it.. In sure it means I'm done but I can't walk away, I have no income and no place to go. Every time I say I'm leaving I can't walk away, I do love him but I can't be cheated on emotionally or physically.. I no longer wear my wedding ring bc for me it shows a time of being hurt.. I told him I want him to get me a new one but if he does it means he won't hurt me anymore and it's been 3yrs since I took it off, over the weekend we looked at rings and I asked him if it meant he wasn't going to hurt me anymore.. Needless to say I haven't received a new wedding band yet..
Yes he buys me and the kids everything and I guess he thinks he can keep me around that way, but honestly if I had a way and a place to go that wasn't a shelter(I don't want my kids exposed to that living) I would be gone... I am working on a finding a job and just saving money, I feel stuck until then..
I know he's not happy (obviously right)but he won't admit it.. and I'm not happy anymore, my kids know we fight but they don't know about what or why.. And I don't want to ruin our home but I want to be happy with someone who won't cheat and treats me great.. I admit I messed up 1st. And even accepted his mistake as payment for what I have done but how long do I have to keep paying for my mistake.. Even thru him cheating I never went outside our marriage..I have tried things I would never normally do for him to make him happy, I have even lost alot of weight thinking maybe it was bc he wasn't attracted to me anymore, but nothing has changed and I honestly doubt it ever will.. And I'm just so hurt and broken right now I don't know what to do..
* If you have read all this thank you, and I apologize for it being everywhere lol*

Welcome to MB, JJ. I am sorry to hear of the sad events in your marriage.

It sounds to me as if your marriage never recovered from your EA, and now it is stuck not recovering from your H's affair. The problem is that couples who do not undertake specific steps to recover and affair-proof the marriage often feel just as unhappy as before, with the additional problem of the affair between them.

Does your H still drive trucks? Does that keep him away from home? How often and for how long, if so?

Can you confirm that you are saying that his recent involvement is with another man?

Have you any reason to believe that this involvement has ended?

Thanks for the response.. When I stepped out on our marriage I told him I would seek counseling, and his response was that we didnt need to and he forgave me.. We moved on and when he cheated with his ex gf I asked for us to go to marriage counseling but he said it wouldn't happen again and it wasn't needed..with this latest one I begged for counseling and he said he doesn't know if he can find the time with his schedule.
He still drives but is home every other day and drives with another person and the company keeps track very well if their drivers so there's no chance for a meet up while he's away..
I'm positive it was with a guy this last time, I messaged him on a site and then text him, after I got answers I blocked him on every acct and made my husband delete his number as I watched.. I check everything possible and haven't seen any new numbers pop up, but my husband is sneaky and in the past got a prepaid phone to use while he text his ex.. So since I have taken action on making sure it doesn't happen I can't say without a doubt it won't happen..

Welcome to Marriage Builders, JssJss. I am sorry for the events that have brought you here.

It sounds a bit like your husband used your past affair as an excuse to justify all kinds of behavior on his part.

I would suggest you start looking through Dr. Harley's materials and getting educated on affairs and what you can do. Don't let your past mistakes keep you from treating this with the seriousness it deserves.

Here are some helpful links:

Dr. Harley's video on infidelity:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

Dr. Harley's Q&A columns on infidelity:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=4&sublink=33

The Marriage Builders Basic Concepts:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb3.cfm?recno=3

JssJss,

How is it his Ex is still in his life and yours? It sounds like you need to prune these Ex'es and enablers from your life as they are unhealthy for your marriage.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks so much, I will take a look

The ex is no longer in our lives.. She was once bc SHE wanted to remain friends and bc I had nobody due to my ex I took in her false friendship.. Which was my 2nd biggest mistake..

Will he go NC with his ex?

His kids are grown, why would he need any contact with her?