I realize this may be frustrating to you markos.

I get what you are saying. I have not understood proper boundaries for most of our marriage. I've been learning about them in the past couple of years, and it has helped me stand on firmer footing with Ship. But it hasn't changed the fact that I waver easily when it comes to him.

If he's upset it is very tempting for me to just cave to make it all better. I'm trying to teach myself to do what is right and what is needed despite Ship's reaction.

I emailed Dr Harley about a couple of things. Don't know if he will answer since Ship stopped emailing him. Ship felt that Dr H was making DJs about him.

Dr H has stated several times now that Ship has not shown me care. In portions of our lives I would say that is true.

I read what Dr H said to ship 9 months ago via email. I don't see any DJs.

But it's not your job to decide that for Ship. You can only decide if you are going to tell the truth or not.

You were thinking about this four years ago. Isn't it going to be worse in another four years? Just do it and get it over with.

You are looking for him to have a change of heart without you changing your behavior. It doesn't work that way. Change your behavior first. His changes will come later.

If you wait for him to change, you will still be here asking the same questions in another four years, won't you?

In order to eliminate my angry outbursts toward Prisca, I had to learn to quit trying to extract the right actions and the right feelings out of her.

It was a very valuable lesson in life, and it has helped me everywhere else.

Just tell everybody what happened. Tell them "I want you to know that ten years ago my husband had an affair." Answer any questions they have. DON'T worry about their reactions. That's not your job. Don't try to ensure they have the right response. That's their job, not yours. DON'T worry about his reaction. That's his job, not yours.

I want you guys to actually get started with Marriage Builders instead of staying stuck on this forever.

What do you mean by this? What behavior are you suggesting I change? My not exposing?

Yes, I told Ship not long ago that I felt he has anxiety because he tries to control his environment and "correct" the world around him. It's not good for him and not good for the marriage.

I've been praying that he come to the very same realization, markos, because it is wearing me out.

I agree.

Yes, that.

Okay, but you need to come to this realization, too. Your posts are all about why you can't do this because of what other people will do, AND all about what you wish Ship would do.

My earnest advice to you is just do this and get this over with.

And, again, I agree. Just get it over with so you two can start recovery.

You are doing the same thing.

Ok.

Ok.

Oh God help me. Ok.

We're praying for you Anointed, and are sure that he will help you. We're gonna help you, too.

Just go tell people, get it done, and get busy with the rest of Marriage Builders.

It's done.

My mom, my brother, his mom, his dad, his siblings, and his grandmother.

I'm waiting for one sibling to call me back, but it's done.

Don't know what to expect when Ship gets home. When he gets off of work I will let him know I have exposed and give him time to think while he drives home (if he comes home).

I think our two children who were born during that time should know based on MB. Thinking we should do that asap in order to avoid talking about this stuff longer than necessary. My son is out of town, so we can talk to him (or I will if Ship won't) when he gets back.

Edit: our 14 year old knows now, too. Why draw this all out?

I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach like "what did I do?????"

But I know it was the right thing. I got support.

I sent emails to the 3 males in the family because I don't really "chat" with them much.

But the girls, I have talked to. And they seemed to understand (well except for his mom- she kept telling me that I just needed to forgive and move on. I said I agree. I've been trying. That is what this exposure was about. To get the support I needed and the not bring it up anymore.)

I couldn't figure out why I needed to expose 10 years after the fact, but the more I talked to each person it came to me. I lost something very precious.

It was like I had a precious child who died and then had the funeral with no one there for support because they didn't even know the child existed.

I lost something precious. It died. And I wanted my family to know about it, and now they do.

Support from your own family is a major reason Dr H gives for exposing even a current affair. I have heard him stress that over and above the prospect of causing the affair to end. Keeping the WS accountable is also important, but he seems to think that family support is vital for the BS.

I'm very glad that you did this, Anointed and that you are getting family support. This was a tremendous loss for you to bear alone.

Thank you SugarCane. I feel better.

I'm still nervous about Ship's reaction, but like I have been told "I cannot control other people's actions."

I cannot control other people's actions.

I cannot control other people's actions.

I cannot control other people's actions.

And God is faithful.

God is faithful.

Hi Anoited,

Good for you, I am happy you have put that behind you!

I wanted to say my H had an A years ago, (more then 10 yrs) he exposed himself to his family, and others before I even knew of the A, I told my family and fiends. Both families are very dysfunctional so I got little support.

My H and I were not using MB, and I never quite got over the A, years later I still felt anger and resentment, but over time it wasn't so much about the A or OW, as it was the way he behaved during the A.

Anyway, my point is I NEVER thought I could get past this. The resentment did magically go away, finally years later, once my EN were being met through the marriage. I really think that will be the key here also.