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With drug use, alcohol, domestic violence, and an affair, I would strongly recommend that you talk to Dr. Harley directly. It is free to talk to him on his radio show.
Have you seen ANY of my posts about the radio show? You can talk directly to the author of His Needs, Her Needs. He is a REALLY helpful guy, with forty years of experience helping marriages. He saved ours! He also used to run a large chain of mental health clinics in Minnesota, so he has seen the gamut of situations out there.
I noticed you said you were getting Surviving an Affair; I would also encourage you to get Love Busters. There are chapters in there about drug and alcohol use.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Separation in her mind is what she wants to practice her crappy boundaries with other men. Her BH gave her the perfect cover with his AO. She has her ace in the hole to destroy that mans heart all over again. Execute BLAMESHIFTING! What does this mean? Do you think that I want a separation? So I can live in a crappy apartment away from my family, living the single life? That's not what I want at all. I don't even have a car or job and I homeschool our kids.
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Okay, I will get the Surviving An Affair book for both of us to read. But I will seek a separation from him before I proceed with any of the other measures recommended. We probably should have separated before, but finances prevented it. It is hard for me to be completely honest with him when I am afraid of him. I don't care whether you believe me or not. It's the truth. He is a much calmer person, especially when he stays on his meds, but it has only been a few months since his last outburst. You are lying. Yesterday you said: Originally Posted By: MelodyLaneIf you are serious, you will have your husband to call the OM's wife and tell her THE FULL TRUTH about your affair with her husband. Tell your husband EVERYTHING, holding nothing back so he can tell the OM's wife.
thislife: Everything has already been exposed. So are you saying now he doesn't know about your affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
Your goal is to protect your affair at all cost. That has been clearly demonstrated throughout your thread. And what have I done, exactly? She is aware of any time I have spent with her husband. He has many OSF's and he is a very friendly person. We have spent time together as couples since the original NC letter and everyone was fine. So what exactly would I be confessing to?? [/quote] Call her up and tell her all about your smooching and hugging her husband. Will you call her today and tell her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The story changes with every passing day. Yesterday her husband knew all about her affair and today she is "afraid to tell him."
Now today, you are "afraid" of your husband and saying he has committed domestic assault. That is not the story you told yesterday. Yesterday you said he did not assault you and today you are using that as excuse to avoid telling him the truth.
Trying to get a straight story out of you is like trying to nail jello to the wall.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Solve the problem right - NOT by getting male friends to "support" you, NOT by dulling your pain with alcohol! It's true, part of this is made worse because I see our friend as a protector. And he has been instrumental in getting my husband to attend church, etc. Originally I thought he was a good mentor. My father was abusive as well. I left home as a teenager and moved in with my boyfriend (now husband). I do respect our friend a lot, and well, I don't have much respect for my husband because of his past actions. He has called me and our 18yo daughter horrible names. She moved out earlier this year after an argument and their relationship is still strained.
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Here is what she wrote yesterday so you can all see how much she lies: I am not having a secret torrid affair, but rather, I recognized some inappropriate aspects of my friendship with this one person that lead me to talk to our pastor. At that time, I was also seeking advice on another forum about divorce. I had never heard of emotional affairs before reading there. Some of the problems about that relationship was our time spent together without our spouses, mainly because our schedules allowed it. Often, our spouses would join us later.
Yes, alcohol was usually involved, which became a problem for me as it enabled me to push the boundaries of my marriage and act in ways that I never would have dreamed of doing before. I also frequently talked about the issues I had with my husband to this friend, which was wrong. And we were comfortable enough to talk about sex which was definitely a red flag. Nothing physical has ever happened between us besides a few friendly drunk kisses.
After realizing the red flags, I confessed to my husband about the situation, and I wrote to our friend and explained the new boundaries in our friendship. [and today the story is she is "afraid" of him]
I also told my husband about my getting too friendly with another male friend of ours while we were all drunk. With that friend, it is purely a physical thing. Suffice it to say, I am no longer trusted to go out drinking with friends.
The reason for my husband being out of the house was due to him being hospitalized last fall after the domestic incident. I told law enforcement that he didn't threaten me because he never said anything - he just took out his gun and started loading it after a huge fight. Otherwise he would have went to jail. As it was, he had to be tasered before he was taken into custody. It turned out that he had marijuana, amphetamines, and alcohol in his system that night. When the gun was found, it had two bullets in it. I had left the house while he was loading it and while hiding on our property, I called 911.
I was strongly urged to seek a protection order, but my husband was extremely remorseful about the whole event, and honestly it was partly my fault because we were arguing after a night out with friends and I told him that I wanted a divorce. He spent four days in the hospital and could not come home until the counseling was lined up. He is our only source of income so I had that fact to consider as well as our kids. Only our daughter was home at the time and she was in her room with friends listening to music until the cops showed up. So our kids are not fully aware of the events that happened that night.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Solve the problem right - NOT by getting male friends to "support" you, NOT by dulling your pain with alcohol! It's true, part of this is made worse because I see our friend as a protector. And he has been instrumental in getting my husband to attend church, etc. Originally I thought he was a good mentor. My father was abusive as well. I left home as a teenager and moved in with my boyfriend (now husband). I do respect our friend a lot, and well, I don't have much respect for my husband because of his past actions. He has called me and our 18yo daughter horrible names. She moved out earlier this year after an argument and their relationship is still strained. And here is what she wrote about her MARRIED "protector" yesterday: And we were comfortable enough to talk about sex which was definitely a red flag. Nothing physical has ever happened between us besides a few friendly drunk kisses.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So I guess we need to know the truth. Does your husband even know about your affair with this OM?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Is this true or not? Were you "afraid" to tell your husband how you got it on with his other friend? I also told my husband about my getting too friendly with another male friend of ours while we were all drunk. With that friend, it is purely a physical thing. Do you see how she slips these little pieces of truth in here and there and you really have to read between the lines to get it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So are you saying now he doesn't know about your affair? No, he does. I told him about everything that happened with both men. But he thinks that it all happened during some crazy MLC time in my life. He's not a mind reader. He doesn't know what goes on in my head. He wouldn't understand the need to go NC again and expose to everyone because he thinks it is over and done. At the very least he would be hurt if he thought that I was still carrying on with our friends. And there is nothing to indicate that, which is why I struggle with your accusations that I am still having an affair. How?? I barely leave the house - the only people I see for days are my husband and kids. We live on a farm.
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So I guess we need to know the truth. Does your husband even know about your affair with this OM? I don't think he does.
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So are you saying now he doesn't know about your affair? No, he does. I told him about everything that happened with both men. But he thinks that it all happened during some crazy MLC time in my life. He's not a mind reader. He doesn't know what goes on in my head. He wouldn't understand the need to go NC again and expose to everyone because he thinks it is over and done. At the very least he would be hurt if he thought that I was still carrying on with our friends. And there is nothing to indicate that, which is why I struggle with your accusations that I am still having an affair. How?? I barely leave the house - the only people I see for days are my husband and kids. We live on a farm. Yes, you are still having an affair. Every time you have contact with your OM is a continuation of the affair. Now, will you call up the OMW and tell her what you have done to her behind her back?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He wouldn't understand the need to go NC again and expose to everyone because he thinks it is over and done. You haven't been honest with him.
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thislife. Go to your phone and call the OMW and tell her what you have done. Pledge to her to NEVER EVER see or speak to her husband again.
Write out the no contact letter.
When your husband gets home, tell him that your continued relationship with OM is a violation of MB rules and you are ending all contact with him and the other OM because they are inappropriate relationships. Explain to him why these men are TOXIC to your marriage.
Then sit down and tell your children about your affairs and explain why you will not be associating with these people anymore.
THAT is how you start on the path to recovery. All of this back and forth and endless story changes is crazy making and completely unnecessary.
Can you take the above actions without making a thousand more excuses?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This other man is hardly a protector or a noble man. He is a toad who got drunk with you and made out with you. He is not a friend to you, your husband or your family.
It's hilarious that you all go to church together while indulging in misdeeds on the side.
And through this whole thing, you've made your husband seem like the crazy one, so that everyone will understand why you need some other woman's husband to lean on.
Really?
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[ But he thinks that it all happened during some crazy MLC time in my life. He's not a mind reader. And stop being a deceitful woman and disabuse him of this nonsense. The only "crisis" in your marriage is your pisspoor boundaries with other men.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And there is nothing to indicate that, which is why I struggle with your accusations that I am still having an affair. How?? I barely leave the house - the only people I see for days are my husband and kids. We live on a farm. Why in the world are you still posting about whether it is or is not an affair?  The author of the book you are using, His Needs Her Needs, would tell you that the relationship is keeping you from being in love with your husband, whether it is an affair or not. So it's a moot point! And you agreed with me in a post earlier today that the relationship is inappropriate and outside of God's will. So whether it's an affair or a baloney sandwich, it has to stop. Do you want to be in love with your husband, or not? Your original title was: How do I fill out ENQ if there is no love? And we are answering you! Here's how to get the love back, step one. This is like when Jesus mentioned to the woman at the well she had a problem, and she changed the subject and started asking his opinion on important theological debates of the day.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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It's hilarious that you all go to church together while indulging in misdeeds on the side. That's how my mother did, years ago, during her informal separation from my father. And years before that, her mother had "Bible studies" at night with her male friends. Nothing new under the sun.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Is this true or not? Were you "afraid" to tell your husband how you got it on with his other friend? I was very afraid, but this was a sticking point with the people from the other forum, and honestly, more than anything I wanted to confess my sins to God and to make things right. My husband was upset with me and things were tense for quite awhile. He was most upset because I didn't want him to talk to the friends about it (still protecting them). I realize this was wrong of me. I also admit to telling him that it was all my fault and that I was practically throwing myself at our friend. He had already seen the flirty banter between us before and didn't like it. I kept details to a minimum and he never asked again. Although a few weeks later he was mad at me for confessing to him because felt it was selfish of me to get it off my chest but he was left feeling awful. Things have cooled down considerably since I told him all of this, AND I have acted in a respectable way to him and we have been able to spend time together without arguments which is a huge improvement. I think he's more than thrilled about that change in our lives.
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