One week ago today I returned home after meeting my lover to find pages of my journal along with my wedding pictures and other family photos scattered about the kitchen with an understandably very angry note from my H scrawled across it all. I was devastated, as was my H.

We have been married 3 1/2 years. The A has been going on emotionally for about 6 months, physically for about two months. I have been tormented by my addiction to this man and had tried unsuccessfully to end it at least twice. I love my H very much but had become very lonely in our marriage and reached outside of it for comfort.

Thankfully, after a few days of begging for his forgiveness my H has agreed to try and forgive me and to work on our marriage together. He found this website and we have been reading it together and learning a lot from it. I have already written and mailed my letter permanently ending all contact with my lover. I have not seen him or communicated with him since the letter. I am definitely in a painful withdrawal period and am terrified I will get weak and relapse.

Complicating this is that although I will not have to encounter him at work for another two weeks, after that I will be running into him on a daily basis. We don't work closely together, but even seeing him at all is going to be incredibly difficult. I am open to finding a new job, but that's not going to happen in the next two weeks. Any advice? I love my husband and am so thankful he's given me this chance, but I really feel like an addict who needs a drug so much I will do something stupid to get it. Help!

Hi Never, welcome to Marriage Builders! You should commit to never seeing this guy again. I would suggest taking a leave of absence while you find another job. Your marriage won't make it if you see him again.

Has the affair been exposed at work?

The way to prevent a relapse is to change all your contact information, ie: cell phone #s, email addresses, etc. Commit to never spending the night apart again.

Is the OM married? If so, has his wife been informed?

And your husband might be able to get the affair, but only if you end contact for life. continued contact is a sure fire way to wipe out any chance of recovery.

Do you not see the contradiction in this?

Thank you. No one at works knows (as far as I know.) He is not married. I have successfully erased all his contact info, but his cell # is posted prominently throughout my place of employment if I were to be tempted to look.(I can't see it now but I will be able to in 2 weeks.)

As far as taking a leave of absence, I would love that, but about a month before he found out about the A, H was laid off from his job and has not yet found a new one. That's right, first he gets laid off and then he discovers my A. Not been a great month.

The plus is that his previous job required him to travel often 2-3 nights a week. At least he is home with me now.

Of course I do, that is why I am panicking! Knowing that I would see him at work, I included in the letter the measures I would take to avoid him there and asked that he do the same. I believe he will attempt to honor that, but it doesn't guarantee we won't cross paths.

That wont' work, though. You will have to find a solution that works. How fast can you get another job?

Contact is contact. You can still see him at work anytime you want. Does the "recovering" alcoholic go into the bar every day? No, he stays out of the bar.

Recovery is impossible as long as you continue to work with him.

Is he a supervisor? Are you his subordinate?

First of all stop calling him your "lover"

Love was the furthest thing from what you or he did. It was the exact opposite of "love".

To even think it was okay to call this scumbag your "lover" shows how far in the fog you still are.

Absolute disrespect and pain to your true "lover" your husband.

I will not dispute that I am still in a fog. What is the preferred abbreviation? I could not find a list.

How about my toad?

We generally refer to the adultery partner as the OM (Other Man.) Or OW (Other Woman.)

It is terribly offensive to the betrayed spouses on this board to hear the other person referred to the "lover." The Harleys have even changed the terminology to reflect this.

[quote=NeverSayNever13]

NeverSayNever:

You are VERY fortunate that your H found this site. It is the ONLY method for recovery from an A. And step 2 (building romantic love in your marriage) will allow you to feel for your H much more strongly than you felt for the OM.

But you gotta do Step 1 first: ending the A and going NO CONTACT FOR LIFE with the OM. You just cannot see him, ever again. I learned this the hard way, when my WH said he would stay at his job until a transfer could be arranged. Which got dragged out for 5 months. And he only lasted an hour of NC once the OW was back in the same office building. ONE HOUR. Even though he had every intention (as do you), of keeping it "business only." Addiction is too strong to test.

Do not put yourself - or your BH - in this position. Brainstorm NOW how you can avoid contact with your OM. Do you have any vacation time coming up? What about talking to your supervisor, explaining the situation, requesting a transfer to work in another location? Really it IS that serious.

I understand completely why recovery will be impossible if I continue to see him even in passing at work. I just don't know what to do about it.. I have to give 3 months notice even if I find a new job! He is neither a superior nor a subordinate of mine and I do not always work even in the same building as he does. We would likely see each other in passing. My letter specified that we not even acknowledge each other at all at work.

I have tried to communicate with H how difficult it will be to see this man at work, but he thinks if I am determined enough to save our marriage I can be strong enough to resist contact with him. And since I am the only one working to support what was a two income household, I don't have many options.

Do you also use AP? I've seen that and wondered if it meant adultery partner. Any chance there is a list of these anywhere? I certainly did not mean to further disrespect H by using that term.

First laugh I've had in a week! Thank you!

Start re-framing how you see this man. Picture him as a slimy toad. He is not some romantic hero. He slept with a married woman which is disrespectful and rude.

Any man that would do this with you is a loser and a fraud. Start seeing him as the criminal he is. You participated in a crime together. He is a disgusting TOAD.

But even if you don't acknowledge him , the damage is sill done. Every time you see him, you will be triggered and the affair is likely to resume. I would find another job ASAP and explain to your HR director that you have an affair at work and must leave the job. Your marriage will not survive 3 months.

Your husband needs to understand that recovery is impossible this way. Can he come here and talk to us?

Your H doesn't understand his terrible risk here. You said earlier that you are in a painful withdrawal period and yet he thinks you are "strong enough" to resist the temptation?!

Why not go to your supervisor and tell that person what has happened and ask them how the company can help you. Maybe the OM can be moved elsewhere, completely out of the area. Perhaps, once your supervisor knows what has happened, that person will allow a leave of absence until you can get a new job.

Seeing this guy at work is going to be an ever-increasing temptation for you and will be a great offense to your H. At this time, he may just not understand the risk here.

Why have you not told work about this? I think you should be exposed at work because you or the OM might get a transfer or he might get sacked or you will be allowed to leave without having to give the 3 months notice,

Anyone else here thinks that this A should have been exposed at work??