NeverSayNever:

Your H doesn't understand the nature of the addiction. You will have a hard enough time withdrawing even without any contact. Add contact, or even the possibility of contact, and you are doomed. I know this I learned the hard way.

Will you H post here, so we can help him understand what to expect? He should start his own thread, if he is willing.

One word: monster.com. I hope you have your resume out right now.

You said in your initial post that you are addicted. And if he was willing to step in between your marriage, he could be very well be addicted also.

When you dangle a crack pipe in front of a recovering crack addicts face daily, the results are not pretty. You two may be strong at first, but your will will break.

Once he is out of your life for good, you will be able to recover your marriage, but not until then.

I will see if he will join the discussion or start his own thread. I expect he probably will be willing.

We actually do not work for the same company, just in the same building. But the nature of our work requires us to see each other at least in passing nearly every day.

That was my WH's situation, too.

Can you ask HR or your supervisor if you can work in another building? Really, you will not be that productive while trying to avoid seeing him, being constantly triggered. AND, your BH will always wonder if today's the day you give in to temptation.

NSN,

He found this website and we have been reading it together and learning a lot from it.

You have no idea right now how lucky you are that your BH did this for you, most people just end up suffering in an unrecovered marriage for years or decades.

It's also possible your BH may be able to get OM fired by threatening a lawsuit against the company.

Get tested for STDs before resuming relations with your BH.

The OM needs to be exposed to his family, church, friends and facebook/linkedin contacts by your BH.

God Bless
Gamma

I just wish we had looked at six months ago.

NSN, the choice is now is between your job and your marriage. You have to make that choice. You CANNOT keep your job and the marriage. Period. I have been here for 12 years and there has never been a recovered marriage where the affairees still "ran into" each other. But there have been hundreds of divorces and resumed affairs.

Here is a radio clip with Dr Harley and a man whose marriage was a wreck. The wife still worked with her OM and Dr Harley told him "recovery is impossible" http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=652

Go to your management and explain to them that you were having an affair with this man and that you wish to resign to save your marriage.

If they refuse your resignation, can they assign you projects to do at home and will the allow your husband access to your communications to verify you are not in contact with the TOAD.

I absolutely do not trust myself to be around OM. I suspect he is just as addicted to me as I am to him. I have tried to express my concern to H but 1) he doesn't want to hear how strongly I am attracted to another man, and 2) he believes that if I want to save our marriage badly enough, I will be able to resist the temptation.

We even went together to see my long time counselor (not a marriage counselor) who agreed with him that saving my marriage should be motivation enough for me to stay away! Does anyone know how to find a Harley minded marriage counselor?

I hope one of the things you have learned is how inappropriate "forgiveness" is in the context of infidelity. What is needed is not forgiveness, but just compensation. There is much you will need to do to make this right. You have come to the right place. Don't expect forgiveness. Expect to have to work hard to pay back your BH.

Your husband is wrong but it doesn't really matter.

Its up to YOU to do the right thing regardless of what your husband thinks or says. He is fogged out in his own way.

You don't send an alcoholic to work in a bar because he should be "motivated" to not drink. You eliminate bars from your life forever. No exceptions.

What is BH? Where can I find the key to abbreviations?As far as forgiveness, point taken. I should have said my H (BH?) agreed not to leave me. Yet.

NSN,

You have to impress upon your BH how powerful an addiction OM is for you, and that the same brain processes that addict people to crack cocaine and alcohol are at work here.

God Bless
Gamma

BH = Betrayed Husband.

A thread on abbreviations:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984040#Post1984040

Never, you don't even need a counselor. You need to take serious steps to get away from the OM. Your husband and your counselor don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage from an affair, so it will be up to you to take the necessary steps to recover. It is to say you will be motivated to "stay away' when you GO TO WORK AT THE SAME PLACE EVERY DAY! That is a conflicting statement. If you go there to to work, obviously you are NOT staying away.

All your H is asking oyu to do is to continue to go to the bar every day and change the name of your drinks to "business drinks." That only works in the comic books, but not in real life.

You are right to not trust yourself. Or the OW. That is why you must put in place EP's (extraordinary precautions) in order to "affair-proof" your marriage. One of those is no contact with OW ever again. Contact includes seeing his car in the parking lot, checking out his facebook page, or asking co-workers to report on how he is doing... Any of this will continue to feed the addiction.

Your BH (betrayed husband) doesn't understand this... YET. It is very difficult to accept. That is one reason why it would be great if he would post here on his own thread, as the veterans can offer him great advice and support. And you don't want to have any slip-ups. Don't play "chicken" with your marriage, NSN!

One thing I have learned here is at A's are all so very similar. It is amazing how people act/react exactly the same, even like there is a script from which they are reading. So we know that you can't be anywhere near the OW. It never works. Never.

About counseling: since your BH is open to it, why not consider counseling with one of the MB counsellors? Steve Harley, Dr. Harley's son, is especially good at dealing with men, counseling is done over the telephone, and you each have your own private time with the counsellor. Jennifer Chalmers-Harley also counsels, but I am not sure she is scheduling new sessions at present. It is $200 per session, which may seem expensive, but it is very efficient. It is a great way to jump-start your recovery, and gets you working as a team. Check out the link to the counseling center on the top of the website.

Hey! What have you got against us Toads?
Warty Bliggens

Way to insult toads with the insulting comparison!!