it's true, i insulted toads and i apologize. they do not deserve disparagement. i just like the sound of the word. it sounds...heavy and primitive and SLIMY.

apologies to all toads and people who love toads.

NSN13sBH,

Your posts and the replies have been moved to your own thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2739103&page=all

And ugly and warty....

But you made NeverSayNever13 laugh...

I cannot thank you all enough for helping my BH to understand how important it is that we address the problem with my job. We have been brainstorming and have come up with some possible short term solutions which can be implemented until I can find a new job all together. He and I are both on the same page now- I can never see OM again, period. Even if it means quitting my job.

The fact that I have so completely destroyed our life as we know it has not escaped me.

Never:

Very good news that you are addressing the workplace scenario. And that you are working together to solve the issue. What is your plan?

I encourage you to keep posting here. It is the one place you can count on for the support you will need as you ride the emotional roller coaster.

Ok, I was doing good until I got to the part where you said "even if it means...." you have to quit your job.. Even if?? The ONLY way you will never see the OM again is IF you quit the job. What other way is there?

I just meant that BH has finally accepted this reality.

whew!!

Good job, NSN. You seem to be very serious about recovering your marriage, and that is great news.

Job losses are very difficult to deal with, but they are temporary. Marriages are supposed to last a lifetime.

Keep us posted on what you do regarding the work scenario and the OM.

As you work through recovery, what are you doing to get back on track.

Are you spending 20 hours a week giving each other your undivided attention (UA time)?

Have you put Extraordinary Precautions in place? E.g., no opposite sex friendships, no secret passwords on phones and computers, no going out without the other spouse, etc.

Also, have you read Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs, and Love Busters?

Cat:

The plan so far:
1) I start looking immediately
2) I come clean to my employers
3) I request a working arrangement that will keep me out of OM 's building. I only worked there 50% of the time anyway, which is why I have this 2 week window to figure things out before I am back at that site.


4) I face the music of my humiliation and the disappointment, disgust, and perhaps even outrage that will be incurred when I inform everyone at work that I have let them down and will no longer be able to fulfill my duties.

Just:
I am very serious about recovery. It took me so long to find BH, and then to have betrayed him like this just sickens me.

I have until July 8 until I am supposed to be back at the same building as OM, so we have that long to come up with at least the temporary solution.

It has only been one week since BH discovered my A, and since then we have spent almost every waking moment other than when I am at work together. It has in many ways been the best week of our marriage. The most painful as well, however.

We have been discussing EP, and I have made it clear that I want to have no secrets. That he is welcome to see my phone, my email, whatever he wants. He is still not convinced that this is necessary. He still thinks we should trust each other. I have also turned down outings with girlfriends because I know how very, very important this time with BH is to our recovery.

Two points of contention:1) he insists on going to the park to run and to the gym to work out, and although he has not prohibited me from accompanying him, he has discouraged it as not being necessary. These activities take him away from me for 2 hours a day, although since he was laid off he does them while I am at work. But he also does them on the weekends when I am home alone. Despite my tearful pleas not to leave me alone. Thankfully so far I have been strong enough not to do anything stupid.

2) his best friend is female. She is who he went to when he found out. I trust her and have never suspected anything secretive about their relationship, but this is obviously a breach of conditions. Unfortunately, his only male friends are heavy drinkers and he is doing his best not to turn to alcohol to help him cope. We are at a loss on this one.

Never:
These are excellent steps!!
I applaud your initiative, and your attitude.

I would suggest you don't second-guess your co-workers reactions to your news in advance. It is good to be contrite and sorry for what you have done. But don't wallow. You can't control others reactions, and some may surprise you - either in their support, or their condemnation.

Who else will you be "exposing" your A to? Family members and friends? Have you read the Exposure 101 thread in MelodyLane's signature line? Is the OM married?

I understand that he WANTS to trust you. But right now, he should not. Best way for him to be able to re-build the trust is for him to monitor phone/emails/etc. It will help calm his mind.
Also anything he sees as a "red flag" or area of concern, you two can address right away.

This friendship must end. Neither of you can have opposite-sex friendships. Your BH needs to realize that he is at a heightened risk for an affair himself right now. His female friend is a risk that your marriage can not afford.

I would go to the gym with him. Even if you don't hang out closely together, you are in the same place. And working out is a great stress-reliever. And let him know that being alone is very stressful for you right now.

Cat

OM is not married. My employers know him but do not work closely with him. I will tell them who it is if that is important to this process.

There is, however one other person who probably should know, but I do not know how to get in touch with her. At around the same time OM became involved with me he began dating a woman who is single. He has continued to date her throughout our A and has told her nothing about it. To my knowledge they had not yet been intimate, but it was a romantic relationship and clearly she has been betrayed and misled by him. All I know is her first name and a vague description of her job.

Bravo! I think exposure should be done by both of you. Make it a team effort. Sit down with him and pick the exposure targets and the method of exposure. Also, read that thread about exposing its in Melodylane's sig line. By doing it together it keeps you accountable and also soothes his mind about the whole program and the steps you are taking for JC (just compensation)

X 2.

Remember how your A started, Never. Conversation, which became more intimate. Your BH is in a very vulnerable place right now. It will feel good to have someone to talk to, confide in. That person cannot be a female.

And you are correct, alcohol will not help!

Go with him.

The female friend will have to go. From this point forward, neither of you can have friends of the opposite sex.

Eventually, the two of you will need to get a new set of friends. For now, your focus needs to be on each other, not friends. Start following this program, and make EACH OTHER your best friend.

Sticking one's head in the sand does not create "trust." It is just a way to ignore problems in marriage. Too much trust is what leads to affairs.


This is not complicated. He should lose the opposite sex friendship. Any "friendship" that comes before the marriage will eventually come between you. Look around you, all these thousands of affairs here started with opposite sex friendships, usually with good people who said "it would never happen to me!!!" It happens almost exclusively to them because they have opposite sex friendships.