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Joined: Jun 2013
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My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have two children and a very open relationship which is why I'm writing this. I have always been open to trying pretty much anything in the bedroom that he wants. However, one of his desires has bothered me for years. I've tried to put mind over matter so that I can please him. But unfortunately it still bothers me. He says he feels bad for asking me to do it, but he still does, then afterwards, he feels terrible about the whole thing.He feels like he HAS to have this desire fulfilled but we have been discussing the Joint Fulfillment idea and we cannot seem to come to an agreement just yet. He wants something that I do not feel comfortable giving him, but I will do anything to make him happy.
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Joined: Oct 2011
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Does he understand the concept of resentment? You resenting him for participating in something you absolutely do not want to do is worse than his resentment about you not agreeing to his unilateral decision.
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Joined: Oct 2011
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Joined: Jun 2013
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thank-you, I will let him read this link. I don't think he knows that about resentment. I still feel bad as well knowing that there's something my husband needs sexually and I know that but am uncomfortable with it.
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Joined: Oct 2011
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Do not confuse needs with wants.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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He wants something that I do not feel comfortable giving him, but I will do anything to make him happy. Then you should stop doing it or you will ruin your marriage. Your sexual relations should be characterized with things you BOTH like, not just one of you. That is how sexual aversions are created. So tell him that act will be done no more and find things you BOTH like. Uh, where do I begin. I can't tell you how many couples I've counseled where one spouse did just what you suggested -- sacrifice their own enjoyment for the pleasure of their spouse. The reason I'm counseling them, of course, is that the one doing the sacrificing eventually can't take giving without receiving anymore, and wants a divorce. One recent cases that comes to mind is a pastor's wife. He gave your message to his wife throughout their marriage. They have reconciled, but only because he finally understands the concept of mutual care. Unless both he and his wife enjoy their sexual experience, she comes to hate it. Now they make love almost every day, not out of sacrifice, but out of mutual enthusiastic agreement. By the way, they've given up OS.
It's dangerous stuff you're recommending. It ruins marriages.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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thank-you, I will let him read this link. I don't think he knows that about resentment. I still feel bad as well knowing that there's something my husband needs sexually and I know that but am uncomfortable with it. He does not need that sexually. He has a need for sexual fulfillment and it needs to be met in a way that satisfies you BOTH. Don't do anything in your marriage that makes you unhappy. That is how you create resentment and incompatibility. No sacrifice!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He wants something that I do not feel comfortable giving him, but I will do anything to make him happy. That is a bad approach to marriage. You should be willing to do things that are GOOD for your marriage. If you are sacrificing your own happiness, you will wreck your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2010
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My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have two children and a very open relationship which is why I'm writing this. I have always been open to trying pretty much anything in the bedroom that he wants. However, one of his desires has bothered me for years. I've tried to put mind over matter so that I can please him. But unfortunately it still bothers me. He says he feels bad for asking me to do it, but he still does, then afterwards, he feels terrible about the whole thing.He feels like he HAS to have this desire fulfilled but we have been discussing the Joint Fulfillment idea and we cannot seem to come to an agreement just yet. He wants something that I do not feel comfortable giving him, but I will do anything to make him happy. I would look for porn use.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I agree with HHH. Its likely that he has a contrast that is affecting his views on SF. Slap a keylogger on your pc like desktopshark. Don't say anything and just monitor it. If you find stuff you don't like. Bring it here to discuss withg us before confronting.
MNG
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Joined: Jun 2013
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He doesn't look at porn- we have had an accountability program in use for the past 6 years- and theres nothing to even suggest that.
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Joined: Apr 2003
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It's been two months. Do you have any updates?
Did your H read the information provided for Resentment Types A and B?
Did you put into practice any of the things the posters suggested?
Have you two come to an enthusiastic agreement on SF?
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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