|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 6
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 6 |
Hello Everyone! I have been reading a lot of posts for a few weeks now and I am finally ready for some advice of my own. My WH (wayward husband? Is that right?) had an EXTENDED affair that I discovered about six years ago. We went through some counseling, worked on the marriage but we have grown apart again after the birth of our third child. I recently discovered he was chatting/flirtying online with a female.
We did not ever tell ANYONE except my mother and my close friends. And the therapist. WH tells me he went online for attention because he feels lonely and that noone really knows him bc affair was never exposed.
Do I have a serial WH here? Do we expose now? I really don't know what to do with this man or our situation.
I don't trust him at all, and I haven't since the original affair.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 6
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 6 |
This is not really enough information to go on, so please ask what you need to know in order to point me in the right direction.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Hi Baboo, welcome to Marriage Builders. Can you answer a few questions? Who was the affair with? Did he end all contact with her? What were the conditions that led to the affair? ie: traveling, going out alone, etc. Are you married? If so, how long? How many children and what are their ages? Have either of you had any affairs before? [besides his that you mentioned] I recently discovered he was chatting/flirtying online with a female. How did he meet this woman? Is she a coworker?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 |
babooette,
Since there were no consequences to his first affair he felt empowered to have another.
I would suggest you go back and inform the betrayed husband, BH, from the first affair what happened.
God Bless
Gamma
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 6
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 6 |
The affair was with a co-worker. They became friends and that led to affair - this seems to be an all to common situation. I have never understood exactly what led to the affair. WH says he was lonely, she gave him attention and one thing led to another. During most of this affair I was working retail hours so he had a LOT of free time. He also moved to DC to attend law school and they met often during his time there. I have taken my portion of responsibility for not maintaining closeness in the marriage - there were flags I should have seen and I just had my eyes closed. I will also mention here that the OW did become pregnant during the A and that pregnancy was terminated on her choice. The affair has ended and all contact with her is over after quite a bit of chasing on her part.
We have been married 11 years. The affair began only a year into our marriage and lasted almost five years. wow! Typing this out makes me really wonder why I wanted to save the marriage in the first place. Our children are now 7,5 and 2. There had not been any affairs prior to this.
The new online relationship developed through Google +. They have not met in person and haven't had what I would call cyber s*x but there is quite a bit of flirting.
Gamma - There is not a BH from the first affair, she is single. Her friends and her had some game going on, they were all having affairs with married men and two had broken up marriages and married their AP. Disgusting.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 |
babooette,
Did you ever get a full confession from your WH, or did he just want to sweep it under the rug, leaving you emotional trash on the side of the road? I would suggest a polygraph 5 years is huge.
Find the OWs relatives, facebook friends and etc and expose.
God Bless
Gamma
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
babooette, I'm getting caught up on your thread, so forgive me if you've already answered this: do they still work together? Your WH can whine all he wants about how lonely he was. Bottom line is this: He OWNS this bad choice. If he was lonely he could have told you. He's got a mouth, doesn't he?  The bottom line is that your WH has lousy boundaries around women and liked OW's attention. One thing led to another, and then BANG. Affair. It had nothing to do with YOU.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 6
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 6 |
I do believe I have a full confession to the original affair. It came out over WEEKS of catching in him lies and finding emails. Its horrid enough that I can't dream of anything that I don't know. He and the OW no longer work together - they ceased working together but the relationship continued.
I TOTALLY agree that he has lousy boundaries and a weak weak man. I would not consider continuing to work on this relationship if we didn't have three wonderful babies to consider. Of course, if this is going to turn into a serial cheating situation I would need to leave.
He told me he needs to attend individual counseling to determine why he is unhappy and what is wrong with him. Its been four weeks and no appointment has been made.
I was ready to move on from the first affair until this new online chatting business popped up and now I feel I am right back at the beginning. I don't know what to do with him or myself at this point.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686 |
He told me he needs to attend individual counseling to determine why he is unhappy and what is wrong with him. Smoke and mirrors. You need to move ahead. Expose, and so forth, because he sounds as if he is very used to getting his way and being able to continue without his meek little wifey saying anything. Show him you are not that "weak" and "stupid" wifey he probably thinks of you as. The vets here will tell you what to do -- listen to them.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 |
babooette,
He told me he needs to attend individual counseling to determine why he is unhappy and what is wrong with him. Its been four weeks and no appointment has been made.
He expects you to roll over again, expose the first affair now, do it completely, swiftly and without warnings.
God Bless
Gamma
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I do believe I have a full confession to the original affair. It came out over WEEKS of catching in him lies and finding emails. Its horrid enough that I can't dream of anything that I don't know. He and the OW no longer work together - they ceased working together but the relationship continued. Has all contact ended now? And does he ever spend the night away from you now? I TOTALLY agree that he has lousy boundaries and a weak weak man. I would not consider continuing to work on this relationship if we didn't have three wonderful babies to consider. Of course, if this is going to turn into a serial cheating situation I would need to leave. He already is a serial cheater.  He told me he needs to attend individual counseling to determine why he is unhappy and what is wrong with him. Its been four weeks and no appointment has been made. That is a huge distraction at a time when your marriage is crumbling. A better solution is to DEMAND that he end his affair NOW and stay off the computer all together. If he has been communicating with the OW on the phone, I would suggest he change his phone # so she can't call. In the meantime, ask him to send her a no contact letter and pledge to NEVER EVER speak to her again. You will have to eliminate the conditions that led to his affair, the computer being one of those problems. I would also quietly slip a keylogger on his computer to make sure he doesn't get on it. GEt eblaster or spectorpro at spectorsoft.com/ I would also password the computer so he can't get on it anymore.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Here is Dr Harley's plan for recovery after an affair - you will want to get the book Survivng an Affair and read that book, though: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
What do you know about this current OW? Do you know her name? Is she married? How did he meet her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 6
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 6 |
Thank you everyone for your replies.
Are you saying to expose the first affair after five years have past? I feel like that is digging up the past, but if it will help us in anyway I am willing to do it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
What do you know about this current OW? Do you know her name? Is she married? How did he meet her? Did you see these questions?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 |
Babooette,
I feel like that is digging up the past,
It's been with you every day since, exposing it really will put it in the past, you just don't get over a five year affair by sitting in a chair falling to pieces inside and doing nothing.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 06/27/13 02:22 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 6
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 6 |
What do you know about this current OW?
I found a chat transcript when I was going through his email and I confronted him about it. He told me they had been chatting for a few months. Of course, he downplayed it at first and then it came out that they had been chatting almost nightly for about 4 months.
Do you know her name?
I only knew her screen name on Google+, she also has a blog.
Is she married?
No, she is single
How did he meet her?
He says that he went to message someone else on Google+ and accidentally sent a message to her. I don't know if this is true or not. I had seen the Google+ on our computer before but I didn't really know what it was and I didn't ask.
It was one of our promises after the affair 1 that we not have friends of the opposite sex - so he CLEARLY violated that promise. He said he knew it was wrong and just felt it was harmless. I feel differently about it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
Has all the conditions that have allowed his affair been closed?
Has he written a NC letter? Is he talking with her on the phone? Did you put a keylogger on his computer?
Did you demand he end his affair?
How do you know she is single? Is this what your WH told you?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 30
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 30 |
Hi Baboette,
I am sorry for the situation that you find yourself in. It must be very painful . After my H first EA ten years ago I simply swept everything under the rug forgave and moved on. Four years down the line he had another EA. Dont just accept and move on for the sake of the kids.try and work through it and find a mutual solution.
Please know that he chose to go down that path. You also were probably unhappy but you did not choose to have an affair. it was his choice so dont ever let yourself think that you are responsible for his choice.
The one thing I would say to you is look after yourself. Take care of yourself and treat yourself with the dignity and respect that you deserve. Going through what you are going through can erode your self respect. hang onto it and force yourself to enjoy your life and kids . I let my career slide and became financially dependent on my H . Please dont let that happen. Find yourself again and nurture that person.
We have been on Mb for a while but have not really progressed. Doesnt mean the program doesnt work. it just requires mutual participation and willingness.It can work for you. I sincerely hope and pray it does.
married 20 years
3 beautiful children(19,17 and 12)
DDAY 1 - June 2003(EA ? duration)
DDAY 2 - OCT 2011(EA spanning 4-5 Years)
MB Weekend course Feb:2012
Joel 2:25 -"I will restore unto you the years that the Locust has eaten."
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
726
guests, and
96
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,525
Members72,045
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
