I will print out the EN questionnaire. I didnt realize we should have done that already. We are still in shock. And I'm not going to lie, my energy has been focused on fighting the addiction, particularly how to make sure I never saw the POSOM again. I tell BH all day long how much I love him (BH), how sorry i am, and how thankful I am that he was willing to stay with me. And he tells me all day long how much he loves me and just wants his wife back, the one he married. Beyond that we are overwhelmed.

NSN,

Is it possible for you or your BH to get OM fired?

God Bless
Gamma

Not sure. I could contact his employers HR dept, but as he is not in a position of authority over me, and we don't even work for the same entity, just in the same building, I don't know if they'd do anything. Furthermore, he is part of a profession in which this sort of thing happens all the time and I guess they must be turning a blind eye, because I've never heard of any of them being fired it. But it wouldn't hurt to report it at least.

Have you got rid of all mementos of OM? What are you doing when OM enters your thoughts?

I DO, I DO! I also think that family, friends, kids, ect... need to be told. Exposure is the first step to killing an affair. NSN, even though your affair has been discovered and is temporarily on hold, exposing to as many people possible will hold you accountable and hopefully stop you from reviving the affair in the future.

I may have missed it but have created a list of EP's (Extraordinary Precautions) for your H yet? Your H sounds a lot like mine. He doesn't want to be your prison guard, he doesn't want a marriage where he is constantly snooping or has to know all of your business. It has been really hard for my H to live the kind of marriage with no secrets and an open book.

Still, you need to show him that you are going to be an open book from now no matter what. The funny thing is, my H acts stubborn and acts like he does not want to watch over me; but I find him looking through my phone, checking my computer, checking up on me (nonchalantly of course). Guess what, this actually makes me happy!

If we were "hostile," we'd ignore you altogether. I work 55 hours a week. So does my wife. I haven't posted here in over a month because my limited free time is worth gold to me, and I've come out of semi-retirement from posting just to post to you, that's how non-hostile I am.

On this one point, at least, your counselor is exhibiting a clinical symptom of being as dumb as a tree stump.

I tried to break off my own affair, mid-way, while remaining in regular contact with the other woman. So I know just how well that works -- which is to say, staying in any contact is the very dumbest thing anyone in your situation could possibly do. (NSN's hubby, are you listening?)

Mind you, I'm not some lifelong scumbag. I was for 16+ years of marriage an upstanding family man, model employee, good dad, nice-guy, active in my church, the last guy anyone who knew me would've expected to get into an affair. And if you'd known me, you'd sure have expected me to have gotten out of it on my own, once I'd gotten even a little ways into it. But people who think that, misunderstand the addictive nature of the secret, no-strings affirmation-fest that is an affair. It's what allows "good guys" (and good women) to do stuff they once would've sworn they'd never do.

Quit the job today. Your marriage might fail if your husband isn't ready for the financial hit. It will fail if you resume the affair; and staying in regular contact poses a huge risk of this. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to calculate which is the bigger risk. The two of you just need to decide which you value more: your account balance, or your marriage. I'm not here to judge. But those are the facts of the predicament into which you plunged your family.

t/j: And GloveOil, I am so glad to see you posting. I have always admired your posts, because you GET IT. You get Marriage Builders.

I know you're busy, but thank you for jumping in to help

Have gotten rid of everything.

Thinking of him as a toad.

GloveOil

Thank you for your input.

I informed my supervisors today that I will no longer be able to perform the 50% of my job responsibilities that require me to work in the same building as OM. I have not yet heard back from them whether or not I will be able to somehow keep my job.

But my marriage is more important.

Prisca

BH and I discussed the question you raised about what actions I am taking to meet his emotional needs. His answer was that since the initial dust settled, we have spent more time together than we have in years, we have talked more with each other than we have in years, we have learned more about each other than we have in our entire relationship, and we have had more "physical intimacy" than we've had since we first fell in love. He is starting to feel like he is with the woman he married again.

Those last two posts look really, really promising, NSN.

Stay around here and keep reading. There is a lot to learn!

What are your EPs?

What are you going to do to ensure that this continues?
Have you read about UA yet?

Never. I am proud of you for calling your manager and coming clean about what has happened and asking to be removed from the location where you might run into OM. I hope it was done in front of your DH because he needs to see you fighting to redeem yourself.

That is what we call ACTIONS and what we look for in a WS. Your "actions" over your "words" will be how you EARN back your husbands trust.

Please think about a session with the Harley's. Honestly, both of you need to be completely on board with the MB program for it to work...and it does work. I (BS) was stuck in the anger and resentment until I found this program. My marriage is now happy and we have found peace.

I wish the same for you and your DH.

Telling my supervisors and being willing to lose my job in order to save my marriage was the right thing. Even though it was hard to convince BH of the necessity, once I did it he said he was proud of me and I could tell it meant a lot to him.

So far my employers have not fired me. They seem willing to work on a compromise. ( one which does not involve me ever going back to the site where OM is)

BH and I continue to work on the MB approach to recovery. We are definitely doing the UA step and it is absolutely transforming our marriage. BH thought he'd never want to touch me again and I worried that I'd never be able to get OM out of my head, but UA is proving us both wrong.

Thank you all again for your encouragement and guidance. I will keep you updated if you'd like. I certainly appreciate the accountability that is offered here. No way I could do this by myself.

NSN,

Did you get tested for STD? Your description of OM is that he has had a number of extramarital partners which makes OM a likely source of STDs. And condoms are not sure protection against HPV or Herpes which are very small viruses.

God Bless
Gamma

Ha ha actually OM himself did not get around as much as you'd think such a scumbag would. One of his 3 previous partners did, however, so testing is a good idea. BH is not as worried about this as maybe he should be, perhaps because both he and I have extremely promiscuous pasts and basically already have the most easily transmittable and non-curable STDs. OM probably needs testing more than we do! Sad but true. Sad for us that is. Just deserts for him!

I wish I knew how to contact his girlfriend. She really oughta know.

Can your BH try and find her?

Never:

Have you read Surviving An Affair yet? You can download the e-book and start right away. Or order online. It is a good guide with specific examples for the steps necessary to follow the path to recovery. You and NSN13sBH have your feet on that path now, however it is a narrow one, and you want to stay the course. You can do this!

Good work on exposing to your managers.

Other ACTIONS I am taking to earn back my credibility and ensure I do not relapse:

I will soon be confessing to my very religious parents. Earlier in this process I was horrified at the idea of ever admitting this to them. They adore BH and can't stop saying how lucky I was to find such a nice husband. Their disappointment in me will be enormous, but I know I need to be honest with them.

I gave BH the scant info I had on OM's girlfriend and he was able to locate her on line. I didn't even know her last name! Anyway, he has already sent her an urgent message.

I'm not goin to lie, it upsets me to do this to OM. But I that is my addiction and delusional thinking talking. I know to save my marriage this has to be done. I did way worse to BH.