1. He had just gotten out of inpatient rehab and needed a fresh start. We live a thousand miles away from his home. I took him in, let him work at my firm doing menial tasks etc. It was a horrible mistake.

2. I was not in the military when he came over. I was in the home. I drove him to and from work. He had no DL so I was always ALWAYS around. I was very much a home body back then which was a source of my wife's distancing etc. He was with me at all times.

3. There was very little. I watched them drink together. I watched some conversations they had late at night. I was a fool. I sat there waiting for her to be ready for bed as they drank and talked until 2 or 3 am. I as sitting right there and uncomfortable. I just thought I'd be a total jerk and some crazy person if I was like: "Honey, I don't like you talking to my brother like that it makes me jealous." I was a fool who thought some things were sacred and that an affair with my brother was just too Jerry Springer to happen to us. I also respected and loved her too much. I felt guilty for even feeling the jealousy. There may have been a time or two when I went to the store etc that I wasn't around them, but all 3 kids were still then.

Well... talked to the in-laws. Mother didn't reveal anything new or anything. They talked to me and things about the problems we've had in the relationship. They seem to think that a lot of this is my reaction to what happened with my brother and her...

That it is me driving myself crazy because she didn't try to recover after the affair. He went away and she was forced into withdrawal. It ended, but not really at her desire.

They made some good points. When it wasn't tax season, she was home on time and went to work on time. I always knew where she was and I talked to her at work etc. (They don't know I was also snooping). It is unlikely that she even had time to have an affair.

My wife did have the inappropriate dinner. She did have too many lunches. They agree there was boundary issues. They feel that since I was her first real relationship that she didn't really know what boundaries there should be in place.

There could be something to me having found no evidence. Maybe this last part is my pain filled reaction after the first affair when she didn't come back to me but became introverted and angry. The affair didn't run its course. It just boomed. She had the usual withdrawal and things.

I went to work on me and the relationship, but she didn't. Now she is noticing things and it is thawing. My wife informed me just today again earlier that she is cancelling social events where this man will be there because she knows it bothers me.

Is it possible that there is no second affair? That we're just finally starting to deal with the marriage after the first? I don't know if I'm just feeding into myself over this.

I don't know if I'm going insane or what anymore. She returns to the states in 6 days and 2.5 hours.

After sleeping on it, I'm starting to feel more and more like she has boundary issues but might not be in a second affair. The first affair was just so recent. I've been a big snoop and all that. I'm going to feel very horrible if I doubted paternity and all of this and there was no affair. I had cause. She has no boundaries.

She appears to be listening to me now. I have no proof and her story is consistent. It really shook me when in-laws pointed out that despite my snooping there was no evidence. That when she was not in busy season she was home right away and never went off to do things alone.

If she is in an affair and addicted, I'd have to think that she'd need more than the regular 9-5 to be with him. No calls, no texts...

I'm starting to feel very rotten.

Do not feel rotten for snooping. You have every right to be more than suspicious.
Something is amiss, consistent stories does not equal truth.

Her story is not consistent. She is still lying to you about "affair" #1 so you still don't have the truth. And she wouldn't need to call or text him if she was with him from 9 to 5 at work. Even the dumbest wayward knows how to conduct an affair without leaving obvious evidence.

You really will feel rotten if you dont' find out the truth while you have a chance. You need the full truth, not more specualtion and not more HOPE and wishful thinking.

Don't let her family gaslight you. They have an investment in keeping you married to her. They will help protect her and keep you from the truth so that you'll keep raising these kids and being the stable one.

Don't you think it's interesting that she started coming around right after you mentioned that you had contact information for the OM's wife? She's terrified of exposure and so is he.

She's going to sweeten you up to get you to back down. You're clearly an excellent parent and she needs you to keep home and hearth running while she takes her evil deeds underground.

I am so sorry. I know you'd rather believe you're just paranoid but this situation stinks to high heaven. Keep looking for evidence and trust your gut. You're not imagining things.

If it were me, I'd be on that poly like a duck on a junebug. And in any case, if she's innocent, she'll be happy to take one and prove it to you.

Here.
Please Explain Gaslighting

I've been doing the typical BS yo-yo emotions thing for a few days now. She really noticed it because of my almost bi-polar like mood swing from really doing great this morning to not so great this evening. This whole doubting paternity of the kid thing is killing me. I'm such a very understanding guy. I'm dedicated to my family. All I've ever wanted is to build a close family.

If she knows me at all, I think she'd know that I'd fight tooth and nail until the bitter end to keep it. Why would there need to be any deception with us? I'm so bothered by her change in emotions. She's given me emotional and physical abuse after the discovery of the first affair. She's broken boundaries and gone on what everyone else would be considered a date under any circumstances with this guy.

I refuse to even call it dinner anymore when we talk. I just say "Well, you had the date with him. That's why I'm jealous." She doesn't even say it wasn't a date anymore. I don't know if she's just tired of correcting me or if she's finally just letting the label stick so she doesn't have to tell me.

This out of the blue decision to work on us and make things better is getting to me. She never really responded more than in a half hearted bare minimum manner before. Now, she's completely about it all.

Everything that I know about the first affair is because I saw the signs and forced her to tell me things. It was like pulling teeth. I feel like I'm having to debrief my own wife sometimes. Work through the disassembly and then push the circular logic. Challenge denials with asking for rational explanations and working through those to demonstrate patently irrational elements to them when I don't believe it.

I hate this part of me. I hate the part of my life that gave me these instincts. I hate that I even have the foggiest idea how to interrogate my wife. I hate that I even know anything about signs of deception and that I am constantly looking for them and noticing them. A little shift of the eyes while answering a question. Holding the breath... hands in pockets...

Giving away a small truth to direct questioning away from a secret. I hate it. I've resisted the urge to get aggressive and just break it all down. I hate me when I am like this. How can she not hate me for it.

Maybe she does.

I'm guessing a lot of people will have a hard time following this post like my others. It's just disorganized stream of thought dumped all over a web page...

Present her with a plan for recovery. Tell her what you need her to do in order to stay married to you. Be firm. You have a chance now because she's showing willingness.

If you don't do this, the resentment is going to eat you alive.

Get the poly!!

Well been some developments. The wife finally answered my question when I posed to her why she decided to pull a 180 and work on things. She basically said: "Because I love you and we have 3 kids and I don't want to be divorced."

She also tells me that after this India trip she won't have to work with the coworker that I suspect until after her maternity leave and it could be even up to a year. She doesn't have any more engagements with him until the spring and then she'll be on maternity leave most of it.

Her reaction to the polygraph suggestion was to raise an eyebrow and say: "Now, you are starting to get a little overboard."

So, she won't take it and is (likely typical of both innocent and guilty spouses) offended.

Her sister came by to see me. She talked to me and suggested that this entire thing with this other guy was deliberate to make me jealous. That my wife was upset with me after the break up of the EA. Still very angry and withdrew. She wanted to come back to me, but was angry and the way she got back at me was to put me through this year of hell and jealousy.

I didn't thinks he was capable of something like that. Her sister says that she used to do similar things in school to people all the time growing up.

Who knows what the heck to believe...

3 days until she returns.

DO NOT COMPROMISE WITH THE POLYGRAPH. Tell her it's one of the conditions in which you will remain married to her. Don't bend or compromise on this. Only people with something to hide would be offended. There is more to this than you thought.

Just had another conversation with the wife about things. We talked about the polygraph again. Her concern was that she isn't good with emotions and defining them. She didn't know if she could honestly answer some complex emotional question about the EA. She feels she can answer this about the coworker just fine.

She also says she'd be happy to answer any questions about physical/sexual contact period.

So it looks like we'll be good to go. I just might not ask about emotional questions about the EA.

You only really get 5 questions anyway. I'll focus on the coworker and make all physical questions be about ANYONE since we got together.

I'm excited about this. I just don't think that there is anyway that she'd be fine with those questions if there was anything physical. She'll even answer the emotional questions about coworker. She just thought I'd be trying to ask questions about how deep feelings were for my brother. She thought I'd be trying to make her label or categorize these. She's not good with feelings. (She obviously doesn't understand the nature or proper use of a polygraph either.)


Should I be feeling so hopeful and upbeat because of this? Dunno.

definitely do the poly! she will probably try to talk you out of it as it gets closer by being sweet and telling you she's already told you everything. get the poly for your own peace of mind. you need to know so you can move forward either way.

and what her sister says makes no sense. she basically wanted to make you jealous and torture you for a year because you broke up her affair with your brother? um, NO.

she's very possibly someone who's getting used to cheating, enjoys it and feels like she can get away with it.

STAY ON HER.

Yes, her sister believes that this second incident was of that nature. It only makes sense in a weird twisted way that assumes someone who wanted to make their spouse jealous would do so by getting close to someone but not going all the way. Someone who has already cheated would very likely not stop before going all the way. After doing it the first time it only gets easier after that.

Acquiescing to the request is something that makes it virtually certain with me. She knows me enough to know that. Committing to it and then back tracking would be a bigger red flag than anything. My attitude now is that she can hate me/be offended by me/demand apologies or whatever she wants after it is done. She has consented. This is not a game of brinksmanship. It's not a game to me at all.

I'm almost to the point where a polygraph refusal would be tantamount to evidence to me. It would be really hard to not send that exposure tac-nuke out if she refused after all that "I'll be happy to answer any of those sexual contact questions. I pride myself in having only ever been with one man." comments. "I could never live with myself if I actually did that" is a sentiment that she would have to put to the test. The trouble with standing up on a soapbox and taking such a moral stand is that it is very hard to step back down off of it.

Exposure should be done regardless of ...well, anything.

And there is nothing wrong with taking a moral stand. When/if she comes out of the fog she will love you for fighting for her.

I have no proof yet so there is no exposure. I'm essentially demanding a polygraph because all my snooping has gotten me zero evidence, but everyone seems to agree with me that something is going on.

She's taking the moral high stand that she's done nothing and is proud to have been with only one man and is above any of these types of allegations. (She, of course, would never do anything like sex with another man. She just never realized an EA even existed and didn't see it coming. -no one does I told her. Most people don't intend for it to happen)

Since she's taken that stand, it will be very hard to come off of it and run from the poly without confessing or it being tantamount to doing so.

Keep on the way to the poly -- a lot of people spill their guts before having one in the hopes that they won't have to have one at all.

Today I logged into my wife's email for the first time in a while. I noticed that facebook sent her a notification about changing her facebook password on June 20.

She doesn't know I know any of the passwords. I hadn't checked in a while. This is 3 days after returning from the Taj Mahal trip. It may or may not also coincide with her 180 to want to work things out.

I tried her usual passwords to facebook. The usual is the OLD one... but I cracked the new one within 3 tries. Nothing in facebook that is suspicious at all, but then... she could have deleted things.

Facebook passwords don't expire. I wonder why she changed it. Anyone think I should confront her about this? It'll tip her off to my snooping and knowing passwords if I do...

We talk in 2 hours... should I ask her about this?

Don't confront her and tip off your snooping. Just wait and watch.

I agree.

What snooping tools do you have?

Do you have a VAR in her vehicle?