I've been married 5 years, got married at 22 and too quickly. My husband and I have tried to make it work but we want different things out of life and have problems in just about all areas of marriage. There is little to no affection, he is a spender and makes me feel like we'll never be able to be comfortable financially. Since we got married he has not told me that he finds me attractive, does not initiate sex unless it is in the middle of the night, would prefer to spend his time playing/making music/furthering his music career. He does not often try to plan activities for us to undertake together...although recently he has a few times. But our marriage is so far gone it kind of doesn't matter now.
On the flip side...I have been angry for just about our entire marriage. We both felt immediate disappointment after we got married and I felt constantly overwhelmed with our problems that it just made me miserable and angry. I've really, really tried to be a better person and no matter what I've consistently fallen into the pattern of being a hateful, critical, belligerent person. He is the kind of person that can live in denial and pretend that everything is alright (this is why we've been married so long. B/c he wanted to believe it was fine and I felt like I needed to keep trying) and so he would just bury himself in his music. I've simply hated myself for the way I've acted and felt. I went to therapy, I got on medication, and overall it didn't make much of a difference. I've pushed for the divorce for so long that he is finally giving in and I think that it is for the best. There is a tremendous amount of stress in our home at all times and it is completely unhealthy.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation, where you can't seem to be a decent human being to your spouse. I mean, I got better about a lot of things, but I'm still not too pleasant because I feel so resentful. My husband does really frustrating things, and that contributes to my behavior, but I'm just really wishing that this is partly situational and that I won't carry it over to my next relationship (note: My husband is the only person I've ever been in a romantic relationship with, so I'm not too sure how I will act with someone else). I know that this is unfortunately part of my personality, i just wish it would go away. Has anyone else been here?

Do you want to save your marriage? Does your husband? Are you familiar with Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts?

Please read.
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

the marriage is over, we can't save it. I guess I'll just read this stuff for my next marriage.

So you're actually divorced?

no, but my husband is tired at this point and wants me to file as soon as possible. I've asked him to go to therapy with me and he doesn't want to go. He never did. I think we've just exhausted each other.

The thing is, marriage builders has AWESOME concrete steps to help you change your behaviors (the critical and belittling). If you're going to work on yourself, now's the time to start, and if your husband brings out the worst in you, then what better opportunity to challenge yourself to change? I can become very critcal and demanding, and have learned a ton from marriage builders that has helped other relationships in my life (with my kids, friends, coworkers). I highly suggest you get the books LoveBusters and Buyers Renters and Freeloaders.

Thank you, I will. I'd do just about anything to get past these patterns I've created for myself. They really bring me down. I'll take your advice.

you say it helped with kids, others, coworkers. did it help with your husband? i find that I can be very decent to just about anyone but him.

Oh my gosh, someone who understands!! I am same way. I hate the way i treat him but I am so angry all the time. I too treat others really good, just not him!!!

Thank you doodlebum, wish we could talk someone.

Would you like to change that, didi?

That is ridiculous - why doesn't he file if that's what he wants?

he likes to leave responsibilities up to me. This is part of what drives me insane about him...he wants me to be his manager, and I dont want to be a manager. I want to be a wife. He accuses me of stringing him along by not filing for divorce right away. He wants me to file as quickly as possible and, since I am willingly giving him the house, move out asap. Nevermind that the house is in my name and the process of switching it over to him has to be worked out...he wanted me to move my stuff out before we were even sure that he had the credit to take on the house. Hes kind of a jerk.

Why doesn't he move out, if he's in such a hurry?

we both decided it would be best for him to keep the house. i can't really afford it. Him moving out would be counterproductive for me. He really just likes to do this stuff to get under my skin. He's not the kind of person that gets angry and says mean things. He likes to say/do things that are downright absurd, but he acts completely calm and "reasonable" when he does it so he can pretend like he didn't do anything wrong.
He's acting like it hurts him so bad and he just has to get it over with as soon as possible so he can move on. While I'm sure that is partly true, he doesn't have the initiative to get all these things done himself. So, I guess it isn't hurting him too badly.

You feel this way because you have fallen out of love with him. It sounds like the two of you got married, with all of the fun and fanfare that surrounds that, had your honeymoon, and then thought the sailing would be smooth. Now you are learning to live together and you have run into conflict (which happens in all marriages)and resorted to "let's divorce - you go first..NO, YOU go first!". There is a different way to repair this, and it doesn't mean you have to divorce.

How about the two of you lay down your weapons for a minute and try to remember what brought the two of you together in the first place? It sounds like you need to get reacquainted.

Try this: plan some time together when it's just the two of you, doing something fun. No heavy talk, no crabbing about the bills, etc. When is the last time you've done that- had a date night with no heavy talk?

We call this UA time (Undivided Attention). How many hours a week do the two of you spend together alone, pursuing activities together?

it has progressed too far at this point, I'm afraid. I have tried many times to do date nights, come up with interesting things for us to do together. He's not really interested. He wanted to stay married, but he didn't want to give me what I desired out of the marriage. I tried various techniques, such as the Five Love Languages or the top ten emotional needs that each of us have...he thought those things were kind of ridiculous.
I've actually already moved out. Our divorce is in full swing. Thanks for all of your replies.

didi, i saw your post. i know, not a lot of people understand. you can private message me if you want.