I have been reading the threads and posts that have been recommended to me. All the talk about WS should not be trusted (true) and that we are "CONS"? If that's true than I am not a very good one. I have never done anything like this before and BH was on to me from the get go, he says I couldn't lie to save my life. But my question is, after realizing what lying, cheating scumbags we are, why do you work so hard to stay married to us? It seems counterintuitive. I really want to know.

Close. Like 10 minutes. And yes, that does make me anxious. And yes, I know the solution is to move. But for now I am just not going anywhere but work without BH.

Everytime your BH accidentally runs into POSOM, it will be like a knife through his heart and will set him back to D-Day.

It will keep POSOM in your heads as you will always be looking over your shoulders and trying to plan your outings to avoid him and avoid all the places that you went with POSOM because these places will now be a huge trigger for your BH.

That is not a plan to recover.

Take control of your life.

NSN,

But my question is, after realizing what lying, cheating scumbags we are, why do you work so hard to stay married to us? It seems counterintuitive. I really want to know.

One of the things Dr Harley says often on his radio show. "we are all hardwired to cheat, and given the proper circumstances all of us would cheat" and he says that a person who cheats is not a bad person just because they cheat" Perhaps many betrayed spouse recognize that it could have just as easily been them.

In your case this really sounds like your first time, and that you never even knowingly dated anyone who was committed to anyone else.

Saying that I'm not diminishing the pain of what your BH is feeling or suggesting what you did is ok.

God Bless
Gamma

The goal is to turn into a decent human being who isn't scumy...we would never recommend a betrayed spouse remain with an active wayward.

BH has never seen POSOM in person and would never recognize him. (he has a problem with faces). I have never bumped into him anywhere unintentionally. POSOM literally works 7 days/week, 28 days/ month, 8-10 hour days. We do not live far but we do not live in the same neighborhood and I pretty much know the only other places he ever goes besides work.and have told them all to BH. It is not ideal, but it buys us some time.

Another question, should BH go talk to him/meet him/see him? Sometimes he thinks he wants to, sometimes he doesn't. Personally I don't think it would be a good idea, but I'm not exactly an expert on good ideas lately.

Ahem - we stay because we still love the WS.


However, without a plan for recovery, betrayal will eventually erode that love completely - even if it is never repeated.

POSOM had time to spend with you as well as another girl that you know of. He must get out.

I can tell you why BH work so hard to stay married after being betrayed. Its called the love bank. Many people CLAIM they would leave if ever cheated on but find out later that they really do still love the WS and want to do their best to make up for their part in the loss of love between the couple and protect their emotional investment. I mean really ... Who wants to just throw away 5, 10, 20 years of a marriage when the usual reason for an affair is unmet needs. Meet those needs... Eliminate all the causes and conditions that allowed the affair to happen and you can be just as in love if not more in love than you were previously or even during courtship.

That's how I see it anyhow.

MNG

Never;

The thing is, I for one, always thought I would NEVER want to remain with my H if I found out he cheated. Why would I want to stay with someone who didn't want to be with me? But once it happened, I didn't feel that way.

Dr. Harley has said he was surprised at how many BS's chose to work on recovery, when it was well within their right to walk away.

I certainly considered whether or not I wanted to remain in this marriage. Considered it more than once. But I always came back to the same answer. I didn't want to walk away unless I was CERTAIN I had tried everything. I never wanted to look back after divorce and think, "maybe if I had just tried harder..." I want to avoid the pain of that regret.

And this website, and the MB program, and the promise that it offers - recovery, AND THE ABILITY TO BUILD THE ROMANTIC, LOVING MARRIAGE I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED - kept me going. Even through FR (false recovery.)

And I have looked around a lot, and there's nothing like this program anywhere else.

And I don't get a free toaster for saying that...

As a BS, I considered my options and I chose Taffy, so long as he was willing to put in place EP's, and follow the MB plan with me. Your BH has, so far, chosen you. Keep showing him, by your ACTIONS, that he made the right choice.

There is lots to do....

We are buyers.



Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

"


Markos

Yes, I'm not completely out of the fog yet. Getting there though. One of the many things that I regret is that early on in the A I actually had a moment of clarity, where it occurred to me that the only reason everything seemed so perfect with OM was because IT WASN'T REAL. I even tried to detox myself by repeating it to myself over and over, "it's not real, it's not real, it's not real," meaning the feelings were all based on delusions, not real life.

But I was already addicted, and it wasn't long before I shushed my inner, wiser self and listened only to the part of me that wanted more. Looking back on that now, I am incredibly disgusted with myself. I wasn't some naive romantic who thought she'd found Prince Charming, I knew he was just a drug and I kept on taking it.

Congrats to BH.

Armed with only a first name and a vague job description, he was able to find FIVE different ways to contact this woman, and then he actually GUESSED her email address. Which is how he finally got in touch with her. She emailed him back, asking for details, which he provided.

And I really thought I could get away with cheating on this man? What a fool I was. What. A. Fool.

NSN,

Another one of the things Dr Harley says often on his radio show. "the other person seems to offer unconditional love, which is extremely powerful". I would guess if that is what we got from our Mothers when were babies, then the need for unconditional love remains with us for life, and is something we crave in spite of it's impossibility.

I don't know how your BH can carry on without knowing what OM looks like, especially with OM living so close.

God Bless
Gamma

What's going on with his friendship with this other female of his?

He has seen photos. He may be afraid of what he would do if he saw him in person. BH has about 50 lbs (all height and brawn) on OM.

Here.
"I Encourage BHs to Confront OM" Dr. Harley

Not as black and white as you think. Just hear me out.

She is not just his friend, she is mine too. In fact she is like a sister to me. Which is significant because neither BH nor I have a single relative within 750 miles of us.

BH met her shortly before he met me. They never dated, never had any type of romantic or physical friendship. They mainly clicked because their sons were the same age. When BH and I started dating, I met her and instantly liked her, never felt threatened. So I accepted their friendship and soon she became OUR friend.

I had long ago expressed to him that I did not feel comfortable with the two of them spending time together without me, and although he may not have taken this as seriously as he should have, it has rarely been an issue. I have now requested that he not communicate with her directly, but I am not ready to remove this woman from lives. She and her son are like family to us, and we have no other family we can see without getting on a plane.

I am not naive enough to think a a woman who is "like a sister to me" could never
betray me. Another friend I felt this way about did exactly that. She made an advance toward my husband in my house while I was there. He immediately informed me, and I immediately sent her packing, no questions asked. We completely cut her out of our lives forever. And I never looked back.

As my screen name indicates, I have learned to "never say never." My husband and our friend/sister could fall in love and have an affair. But the bottom line is that it's a risk I'm willing to take. If it happens, my marriage is ruined all over again. But if we continue to work on meeting each others EN and keeping our love banks full, that's not going to happen.

So if your husband went binge drinking one night and his liver was seriously messed up, and he did this with bourbon, it would be okay since you both like bourbon?

They cannot be alone, and it would be even better if you had no contact at all!

Your husband should not have this woman as his friend. He should not have women friends, just as you should not have male friends. That's the way most affairs start.

Meeting emotional needs and keeping the love banks full is just ONE side of the marriage.

The other is doing what it takes to PROTECT the marriage. We are all wired to have an affair. We need to protect our spouses, and ourselves, from that pain by avoiding friendships with the opposite sex.

And, I certainly don't mean to be disrespectful, but to say "it's a risk I'm willing to take" is a pretty cavalier way to look at marriage and the risk of adultery.