Not as black and white as you think. Just hear me out.

She is not just his friend, she is mine too. In fact she is like a sister to me. Which is significant because neither BH nor I have a single relative within 750 miles of us.

BH met her shortly before he met me. They never dated, never had any type of romantic or physical friendship. They mainly clicked because their sons were the same age. When BH and I started dating, I met her and instantly liked her, never felt threatened. So I accepted their friendship and soon she became OUR friend.

I had long ago expressed to him that I did not feel comfortable with the two of them spending time together without me, and although he may not have taken this as seriously as he should have, it has rarely been an issue. I have now requested that he not communicate with her directly, but I am not ready to remove this woman from lives. She and her son are like family to us, and we have no other family we can see without getting on a plane.

I am not naive enough to think a a woman who is "like a sister to me" could never
betray me. Another friend I felt this way about did exactly that. She made an advance toward my husband in my house while I was there. He immediately informed me, and I immediately sent her packing, no questions asked. We completely cut her out of our lives forever. And I never looked back.

As my screen name indicates, I have learned to "never say never." My husband and our friend/sister could fall in love and have an affair. But the bottom line is that it's a risk I'm willing to take. If it happens, my marriage is ruined all over again. But if we continue to work on meeting each others EN and keeping our love banks full, that's not going to happen.

Even if there wasn't an affair in your marriage this is very risky behavior for your marriage.

Now that an affair has happened in your marriage you both need to have iron clad EPs. Your BH is more at risk for a RA (revenge affair) then before your affair.

The Harleys will say "it is each of our own responsibility to protect the wrong people making LB deposits into our Love Banks", all potential threats must be removed, hence strong boundaries.

Sorry this is part of the consequences of your affair.

She is family. She stays.

She is family. She stays.

He does not spend time with her alone. He does not have conversations with her that I am excluded from.

I spend as much time with her as he does, and these get-togethers almost always include our children.

He is no more likely to have an affair with her at this point than with our female neighbors. Do we have to get rid of them too? He has been home alone all day while I am at work and so are the women that live on either side of us.

And cavalier? I basically just quit my job, a job I love and am very good at, the crowning achievement of a ten year career, and the only income we have right now, because I have learned the hard way that my marriage is worth it.

I am not cavalier. I am human, and so is BH. We can only insulate ourselves from outside threats so much, the rest we have to find within ourselves.

I know I do not have it within myself to resist OM, so EP are very appropriate. BH has never once lied to me about anything he's done involving other females. He has never had anything to hide. I'm sorry, but if he wants to cheat with this woman, she can have him. That's how confident I am that she is safe.

I think if you read my posts you can tell that I take this very seriously. I do not make excuses for myself and I know how easy it is to fail. I was once a delusional basket case addicted to a toad, but slowly I am coming out of the fog.

I am using too much energy fighting my own weaknesses right now to insist that one of my closest friends and her son be removed from my life just because BH knew her first.

If am wrong, I will let you all be the first to say I told you so.

He does not spend time with her alone. He does not have conversations with her that I am excluded from.

She is family.

I know I do not have it within myself to resist OM, so EP are very appropriate. BH has never once lied to me about anything he's done involving other females. He has never had anything to hide. I'm sorry, but if he wants to cheat with this woman, she can have him. That's how confident I am that she is safe.

My husband and our friend/sister could fall in love and have an affair. But the bottom line is that it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Then you do not understand how affairs start.
And you do not understand just how vulnerable a BH is to an affair of his own.

But the bottom line is that it's a risk I'm willing to take.

This friendship *has* to end. What is more important, your marriage or your friends?

This woman is the best friend he went to when he found out about your affair. She's not just some neighbor or acquaintance, she's a best friend. She's someone he can confide in and go to for help and support. And she's a very high risk for your marriage. She cannot stay.