I had an EA with my male BFF with a start date I cannot even identify, but sometime after 2009. (Let this be a lesson against intimate opposite-gender friendships!) Our contact via cell, text, PMs, late night chat sessions, and secret email accounts increased in late 2012 and ramped up intensely after our "mutually professed attraction" on 2/21/13.

Physical affair began 3/21/13 and ended with a ONS on 4/13/13. The next morning, I ended it, and the following day I disclosed ALL to my husband, whom I married in 1991.
NC began 4/18.

Our families were intertwined significantly with each other: double dates, vacations, holidays, godchildren, attending one another's births, our older kids babysitting theirs, we attend the same parish, etc. We have 12 children between our two families.

My BH offered to work on forgiveness immediately. There was never a choice about us staying together vs leaving on his part or mine...we knew we wanted to heal and improve our marriage. The A was a huge, painful, terrible, needed wake-up call.

We were blessed to go on a Retrouvaille Weekend on 4/19 and completed the series of six post-weekend follow-up sessions to which we traveled 2.5 hours each way!

We have made tremendous, grace-filled progress in the healing, are spending big chunks of time (PUA) together with nightly dialogue and weekly date nights. We are doing the work using PJA and PRH to rebuild and renew our marriage, to root out the diseased communication and disinterest and insensitivity which led to the deterioration of our marriage.

We both recognize that we each were disloyal to our vows...in different ways...by placing other people or things ahead of our marriage. We had a child-centered marriage and I sought most of my affirmation outside my vocation of wife and mother, outside the walls of our home, via community and church involvement...and eventually, from the OM.

My disclosure forced OM to disclose to his wife and he did so 4/18/13. Our BS met the day after this and talked hours in support of one another's trauma. My dear husband also went to the OMs place of work less than a day after our own DDay to tell OM - formerly his dearest friend - how hurt and disappointed he was, and that he loved him as a brother in Christ. My husband is AMAZING.

We live in a small community...which adjoins the community where OM and his BW live. My Mom and our oldest son live one block away from the other family. I work in that town. OM is a prominent businessman whose last name is plastered over the majority of vehicles in our county. There is only one way in/out of the neighboring town which means we drive past the dealership every time we go in or out of town - triggers much?

We belong to the same church, but agreed at the end, via our mutual BS, to attend at different times. There has been NC b/w OM and myself since 4/18/13, but some contact b/w OM and my husband and OM's BW and my husband. NC b/w all started 5/31 by our decision...having contact b/w OM or his BW with my BH has NOT been helpful.

At this time, we, the other couple, my mom, our pastor, our four oldest children, and one other couple (mutual friends of both) are the only ones privy to the infidelity. I am getting to the point where I want to tell others, perhaps need to? I am not sure keeping the code of secrecy is helpful.

I have been reading A LOT...here at MB, over at SI's Healing Library, AffairCare, Peggy Vaughn's book, and many more articles and books.

My primary struggle at this time is the withdrawal fog and dealing with countless triggers, in addition to the reactions of one of our children. We have considered moving as an option also.

All for now...thanks for reading this much!

Hi Eponine, welcome to Marriage Builders. Glad you found your way here. There is a very narrow path back to recovery after an affair and most couples do not find that narrow path, unfortunately. The most important steps are to affair proof the marriage, remove the conditions that led to the affair and follow up with a program that creates ROMANTIC LOVE. If the post affair marriage is not dramatically better than the pre-affair marriage, resentment grows and the dynamite hole left by the affair festers and grows. That hole has to be filled with romantic love.

And that is where Marriage Builders differs from any other marriage program. It teaches couples how to create fantastic romantic, passionate marriages. When the present is happy, people don't tend to think about the unhappy past. When the present is not happy, wayward spouses tend to think about the affair and betrayed spouses tend to simmer in resentment that grows every year.

In your case you are surrounded by triggers. Living close will keep the OM top of mind and will make it very easy for you to resume your affair. This is why Dr Harley is so adamant that a move to another city or state is essential if the couple is to really recover. So you might want to strongly consider that.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Eponine, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like you and your WH have done a lot of work to recover your marriage - good job!

Tell us what your plans are to ensure NO Contact with OM. I would suggest that you find a new church (it's all good, though- God will be in any church you attend, which is why you're going there, right? Right? You're not going there for social reasons, Heaven forbid ) The physical building of the old church may well be a trigger for you or your BH. Make a new start; none of this business of switching off on sermon times. That's not nearly enough to secure your marriage.

And you know that the cozy inter-family get-togethers are done, right? You also understand that you need to expose this affair to your pastor, yes?

I would show him this article and radio clip:

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

radio clip with Dr Harley discussing forgiveness

Pastor was notified immediately...we met with him 4/26.

There's NC at church with the OF attending a different Mass time...changing denominations isn't an option.

And absolutely I get that ANY contact b/w our two families is done.

Thanks to you and MelodyLane for the welcome and advice.