After 15 years of what I thought was a solid marriage, the list of "sure signs she's having an affair" added up enough for me to break our trust, and do the dreaded secret scouring of her email. Sigh...there they were .... letters about how much they love each other, and their magical time together while I was away. An affair, no doubt about it.

As of now....She doesn't know I've made this discovery. Here's why I haven't said anything. The letters, while agonizing, do illustrate that they're trying to break it off. I'm not sure, if they're already coming to the conclusion that the affair is a terrible idea, if it helps or hurts for me to confront her just yet. I worry that I'll just add a third act to an already depressing drama.

Flip side is, they're "trying," which isn't exactly the same as succeeding, is it?

Anyway, I do believe I could put this behind us if my spouse would really optimistically do the same. So, I really don't know if I should jump in just yet with the "hey honey, I read your email and I know you're in love with another guy."

What do you think?

Hi fenix, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would print out the emails or forward them to yourself for safe keeping. Go and do that tonight. Then in the morning confront her and demand she end her affair.

If the rat is married, your next step should be to call his wife. [without forewarning your wife or the other man] Expose the affair to your family and friends. Any children over age 4 should be told about the affair.

Those are your first steps. Come back and we will help you with next steps.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, fenix. I'd say you're in a good position to kill off this affair and get your marriage back on track.

Who is the OM? Do they work together?

Thanks for the welcome. It's nice, given how despondent I am overall.

The other man is similar to a co-worker, in that they are both authors, in a tightly knit community of writers. There is quite a bit of activity in this community -- lots of get togethers, workgroups, promotional activities, book launches, etc.

So, yes, they work together by all definitions. They co-market their work, too. Sometimes even travel together. They've had ample opportunity to get to know each other well over the years.

I still don't know whether to tell her she's found out. Tonight, a good example. She's here, we're reading together, it's pleasant, she's trying I think. But I can't stop wondering what's going to happen next.

Of course you should tell her. Do you want to save your marriage? Or do you want to sit back and watch your marriage erode away while the affair becomes more and more entrenched?

It is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler, Sir.

The longer you avoid the conflict the harder it will be to save your marriage. The affair grows more and more entrenched every day. The risk that she will leave you for the OM grows every day you ignore the problem.

Well, I'm new to all this, but Melody that sounds kind of like a pat answer. What's the goal? Cease and recover. Is she on a path to do that? Appears so. How does all that exposure really help? Not arguing, 'm asking.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so helping them keep their secret allows the affair to grow and thrive. The longer it goes on, the more entrenched it becomes.

Our goal is to save your marriage. If you are interested in doing that we can help. If your goal is to avoid conflict, there is nothing we can to do to help because your situation is hopeless.

She will not be willing to recover the marriage with you until the affair dies. The affair will not die if you help the OM by keeping his secret. You help the affair THRIVE by keeping it secret.

Exposure makes the affair much less enticing.

Well, came out this morning. So, question no longer applies. FWIW, we had a damned good positive conversation. Painful, but good. And we're marching together now in the same direction.

Exactly fenix and they will not be able to end it on their own. Waywards love the DRAMA of breaking up and getting back together. It actually makes the affair stronger. They knew it was wrong and a bad idea from the very beginning when it started...but they continued anyways because it is a fantasy.




This fantasy keeps the affair alive.

Exposure to people of influence in the waywards lives is your most powerful weapon in killing that fantasy. That is the first step.

Read the exposure 101 link in Melody's post to you.

fenix. Your statement really scares me. Do you really believe that this over because you had a damned good conversation? Go back and read those emails again.

Has she committed to No Contact for life including the work groups?

Hello Fenix, sorry you are here.
I am relatively new myself to all of this as my first D-Day was May 2012. However, I am going to inform you that what the more seasoned members have said about exposure is ABSOLUTELY correct. I did not start reading MB until after my second D-Day (same AP) on Oct 30, 2012. By the time I began reading, I had already done a partial exposure to her family and their joint colleagues via Facebook. I had not done that because I read about exposure, but because something inside of me told me that it would never end if I did not shine the light on it. It did wonders for the situation, even though it was just a "partial exposure." It was not until November or December that I discovered here that "Full Exposure" was recommended. Full exposure did not take place until March 27, 2013 which unnecessarily prolonged my agony. Expose! Fully and completely! Both her's and his family members, your family members, their author buddies/colleagues (some of whom are probably already aware of the affair) and whomever else might come in contact with the two affair partners when they are together. She will be very angry, probably threaten all sorts of actions and maybe follow through on some of them. Would you rather live in a "half-open" marriage or live without her? It is your choice. IMHO, not exposing ASAP is the second largest mistake I made. (Biggest mistake was to not go into Plan B the second WS stopped following steps for recovery and reconciliation.)
I wish you only the best in this very difficult time.

I have no proof of an affair yet despite all the snooping. Her family knows I suspect. She knows I'm jealous of this guy and likely suspect. Exposure to her job won't likely occur until I have proof, but I am feeling the need to set him straight in front of her if he acts inappropriately in my presence.

Wow... sorry about the above. Can mods delete? I was commenting in my own thread... hit submit and it appears here ona different one.

The affair is far from over. If you don't take steps right now to end it they will just continue further underground.

What "came out" specifically? Did she tell you? Did you tell her you know?

Thanks for the comments folks. No, not under any illusion that it's over. There's more to be done, but I'm glad to be past the original question of this thread.

We established common goals. Not interested in divorce, Yes interested in personal and emotional evolution on both sides, and sacrifices. Yes the relationship she's having has to go cold turkey (but I know that's just something one says ... I know I'm going to have to engage in some close monitoring of this).

What came out, specifically, is that she loves this other guy. Pain all around. But (and again, I already read this in their emails)they were at least saying the right things about putting it behind them for good.

I appreciate this forum for helping me understand that there's no such thing as putting it behind them. There is only unconditional and wholesale ending of that relationship, regardless of what form it takes.

fenix, unless your goal is to follow this program, you are not going to get very far. You and your wife are not qualified to establish goals because neither of you know how to save a marriage.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, we can help you. But I don't consider this very hopeful if you follow your own plans. You and your wife know how to wreck a marriage, not save it.

If you truly want this affair to end, please expose it NOW. You have a very small window of time to do this and the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to kill this affair and save your marriage. Please read the exposure thread in my signature if you want to know how to change this.

But are you interested in saving your marriage? I think its great that you are going to embark on a personal quest for evolution, but isn't that a distraction at a time when your marriage is on the rocks? You won't feel very personally evolved if your marriage ends up in divorce due to an affair.