This is my first post to any forum, so please excuse all errors in protocol, abbreviations, and the occasional use of some 4-letter words. I am in need of sound advice. My BS discovered your site and I believe she is finding answers to questions that I have a hard time answering, and I�ve learned from your site the differing perspectives�so here goes: Career military, 19 moves in 32 years, 3 combat tours, retired, now working in the private sector. Married to a kind, warm, genuine, and in my opinion, beautiful woman for 30 years. We previously lived together for 14 months. We have a �yours, mine and ours� family of kids who never lived together or grew up around each other (a longer story), and are seven years apart in age (now 28,35,42).
To highlight our marriage ceremony, the XW and X-MIL, wouldn�t let �my� daughter participate in the ceremony. I anticipated that happening, and had obtained a court order. The police were called, the police helicopter was buzzing around, and the XW mother, the grandmother, was screaming, �Run from your Dad Sissy, run and hide!� You can imagine the horrified look on everyone�s faces. Well, this was my future bride�s look into the tumultuous future with me. Of course, she also saw how high my anger level could skyrocket. Regardless, BS married me. So, what�s the problem?
It�s been over fifty-eight years since I began my sexual escapades with a background of pornography used for manual stimulation, at age 10. I had found some sex pictures while walking to school through a vacant lot. They were Polaroid�s and in a plastic bag. I figured some kid found them while sneaking around his parents room, and lost them while enroute to school. I referred to those pictures many times over the years. Prior to the internet, taped pornographic movies and magazines were the media of the era. I usually kept a small supply around. My BS and I didn�t communicate our needs very well (at all) during that time. We also had a very stressful marriage back then. We went directly into a blended family, and was never without parental intervention. Our son was born 2 years later. That summer, BS and son went out of town for a week. #1: A neighbor who lived down the street, a neighbor who had a penchant for providing men oral satisfaction, came by our house and did just that. Wrong? yes, cheating? of course. That wasn�t the first time the neighbor had performed on me (prior to my meeting my wife). However, I was wrong - I broke our vows. There was guilt and the �oh [censored], what the [censored] have I done, sick to my stomach, somebody must be watching and will report me� feelings. (#2): Then, I gave a stripper a motorcycle ride home, (#3) twice. I was with a friend who took the other one home (one was moving in with the other and the other�s manfriend). There was no promise of sex in return. My friend jokingly said, �Hell, maybe we�ll get a blow job out of it.� We took the girls home and that was it, both times. I�ve never been back to that bar. My wife is convinced there was more to these bike rides home, but there wasn�t. My wife is a hot blonde with the aura that with one kiss, you�re under her spell. I can�t describe the feeling I get when around her. So, selfishly, I didn�t want to lose her, bottom line. Years go by and I buried the encounters (A�s) with these women, choosing to take the chicken-[censored] way out, avoiding a major blowout by keeping the affairs a secret. I chose to do what I did, not because of my wife�s inadequacies - there are no issues in that area. In fact, that was a major error; I didn�t discuss it with her when I should have, and I could have helped her to understand that I needed more of this or that, sexually. She tried to talk with me several times and I heard her, but I continued the porn and masturbation. It was readily available, quick, and relatively satisfying. Our sex life was never inadequate. I love my wife and part of my expectations are to be able to hold her, feel her, talk with her, show her, and let her know that she is everything I always wanted and needed. Of course, at the same time, I was a �piece of [censored] husband� and a �pretty worthless father.� I�ve faced it, I was an [censored] to my family. I was a real [censored]. Here�s where I get lost: Is it common to actually punish them (while at the same time) wanting to love them, provide for their needs, sacrificing for them? I guess I expected too much in return. Maybe I isolated them in my head like I did the affairs. Eight years into the marriage, I needed to travel back home to see an ill friend with cancer. On the second night of my trip, I ran into my (#4) ex-high school sweetheart while driving home. This was not planned, no phone calls (or cell phones) or anything. We pulled up at the stop light together. While she and I were watching traffic, I looked over and saw her looking at me. I knew it was her, and she me. This encounter ended with us in the back of her van for sex, which coincidentally, I had never gotten while dating her, eighteen years earlier. This was the act of closure I suppose. I continued looking at occasional porn magazines, and masturbating to supplement my needs. These acts never caused me to be hateful toward my wife, but I did hide the magazines of course, and had to sneak around to do myself. Two years later, I met a person (#5) at the workplace. Over the course of 15-16 months, through her flirting and teasing, (I played along, she pursued, but I didn�t stop it) ended up masturbating in front of her. We had talked about not �screwing, just masturbating� as she liked to watch while doing the same. She was divorced, watched porn, but �wanted to see the real thing in person.� I ended up going over to her house twice one year and twice the following year. She was in and out of town for months at a time.
It was 20 years later, four to five months ago when I first confessed, when my BS and I time lined the events out, it was clear that she and I, according to BS, �got together to have a �good old time� every time she was in town.� That�s what it looks like. It is very hard to try and recollect even roughly, time lines from 20 years ago, but it can be done. We had no pre-set plans to get together, as I deployed several times during this time period. The second time I had sex with her; we touched each other, and ended up both masturbating on the patio. Our deal was only masturbating, no kissing, hugging, or oral sex. We did very little masturbating of each other. She wanted no relationship, nor did I. She knew I was married and would only play around a little bit, and she agreed. I felt guilty for being over there in the first place, but still drawn to the interaction knowing there would be no associated drama, just sex. The very last time I was over at her house, ended poorly for me. She had been nude sunbathing in the backyard when I arrived. I guess I was caught up and while masturbating myself, she produced a condom, laid down and asked me do her. I took the condom out and she said something like, �I hope it fits, my ex-husband has a big [censored].� Well, little did she know, I have issues with the size of my crummy little piece of manhood. I maintained enough erection to barely penetrate her. It was a funny to her, but a devastator to me. My lunch period was quickly ending so I pulled my uniform pants back up while she was saying, �hey don�t go, what�s wrong, come on back here�� I said nothing but that I was needing to get back to work. There was no further contact with any of these women.
The worst part about the entire 2 year A, was that I treated my wife like [censored], when I was the real pos for all the lying, deceiving, manipulating- and I�m hating every minute of grief I�ve caused her. My BS deserved the man she first met. I obviously didn�t respect her enough to provide it. These truths could destroy my marriage like it destroyed my wife.
After 18 years of marriage, I had accidentally left my email on, and of course, my BS opened it only to discover that I was cheating with two women. I had two EA�s via internet for a period of six years, off and on. Those started with an acquaintance (#6) whom I had to work with to obtain information for a military exercise we were doing. One woman turned out to psycho-imagine and confuse reality with her ultra-slutty sex fantasy world. My satisfaction came from reading her letters and masturbating while reading them. The second EA occurred while we were living apart. We opted to keep our son in the same school (big mistake for the entire family!) so I moved to the new job alone. The second EA proved to be very possessive, clingy, and expressed that in her emails. She (#7) eventually started to send a few pictures of males and females she copied from the internet. She describes us as (in her mind) having already �done it with me while she masturbated.� There was nothing physical between either of them, unless you count a few telephone sex events. I confessed to the two on-line affairs, and that each were only EA, no PA whatsoever. My wife believes I screwed them both, and that since I am a liar, why should she believe me? I destroyed her then, eleven years ago; I had the opportunity, even witnessed her devastation, but ultimately, chickened out again. I was/am a damned gutless, self-preserving fool.
Well, what you have just read is what I revealed starting five months ago. Starting, as in referring to �Trickle-Truthing� the facts that victimized, verbally abused, and betrayed the person who has since moved into the spare bedroom. Hurting her was the last thing I wanted to do. I continued to lie while confessing because I was afraid of hurting my BS further; that she would likely divorce me; and for guilt; and that I�m a cowardly [censored] who fears his wife would never forgive him. I confessed to these multiple A�s because after the past ten years of spousal inquiries, the constant accusations, discovery of and re-use of porn, a text from a female colleague, BS�s investigative assertions, and finally the threat of a forced polygraph exam, I admitted all my indiscretions, the truth of which she can no longer determine or believe.
So here we are today: not talking much to each other. I still have recall, lying, confusing of times and dates, all too where she doesn�t believe a word I say, and said she �hates me, can�t stand my face, and stated she has lost everything - lost all feelings for me.� I�m a stranger to her. I stay out of her way. There�s been nothing sexually for months. I can feel the end is approaching. She can�t hold out much longer. She wants �to go out on her own for two years and do whatever the [censored] she wants to do, and not be held accountable to or have to answer to anyone.� We have gone to a MC who couldn�t deal with the complexity of our issues. BS has gone twice to a new IC; I�m waiting to see my IC. I am under psychiatric care for ADHD, depression, and PTSD from military law enforcement and combat service. This terribly long story, for which I apologize, may not get me a response, but it does feel a little better just getting it out there for the forum�s consumption and consideration. Between some mental issues I have, a borderline sex obsession/addiction that is presently under control (NO porn since DD 5 months ago), and confessing to the every transgression, what else can I do? I�m working on remorse, but I take two different antidepressants and a stabilizer so I have turned numb, nearly emotionless. I cry inside because I have hurt the ones I love; feel profound shame for the way I treated the one person I could trust, who used to love me; who wasted over 30 years of her life with me, while she supported our career, to the point of no return. I have in her words, �ruined her life and her sons, that I am the world�s worst father and husband that she wishes she�d never met me,� and curses me for being the father of her son. I am following the forum for guidance, but she�s not very receptive to anything I have to say or do. She wants me to admit to something I didn�t do; and considers me lying and hiding more truths from her. We are both at wits end. She wants solutions now, and told me she�s waited long enough. The next day she moved into the spare room. We are coexisting in one house. Any advice or guidance would be well received and appreciated. Thanks to all.
Recap:
WH-58
BS-58
Married 30 years
Multiple DDays
Children: Grown, I Grandson

Schedule a polygraph test and tell your wife she can ask any questions she may have.

And pass it.

Disclose her the full truth she wants to know.

What name does your wife post under?

Can you cut it down to just your adultery...the background information is muddying the real guts of the problem.

She posts under "broken30". We will go the poly route. For (work) reasons I can't disclose, I've had a few polys through the years. Subconscious activities can show up, memory problems alter the results. I'm not talking about selective memory, but memory loss, documented in my official medical records, starting in '94. Im not going to lie on my official files. I've told her the truth.

The only question I have is why do you feel so compelled to tell your wife that did you not have intercourse with these women? Is it because you believe that she has an adultery case against you if you do admit it?

What is the reason for that lie? You do realize that telling the truth with a little lie means it is still a lie, right?

Why wouldn't your X allow your DD participate in the wedding? Did your marriage start as an affair?