Hi

I am new here finding marriage builders yesterday.

I thought I would post and hopefully get some wise insight from some of the members here.

To give you some background info...

I am 37 year old single mum (from UK).

My parents did not have a loving marriage - they had a practical marriage and stayed together until my youngest brothers became adults. They then separated.

My Dad was and is a serious alcoholic, although he worked very hard as a master craftsman during my childhood.

I never got shown anything functional by my parents, and I know I am not alone with that.

When I got to the age that I wanted to start dating I chose to be with men that could never offer me anything functional and I could not offer them anything functional either.

I became hooked on drugs and drink myself.

I got married at 21 (got clean of drugs and drink) and had my first child at 22. My marriage lasted a couple of years and then he had sex with another woman and we separated. In honesty we were going in very different directions and so the break up was not that traumatic - I remember feeling relief on some level. I could not have fully understood the impact that this would have on our daughter and it is only the last few years that it has really hit me - she is now 15.

I then had numerous flings with different men. I was not bought up in anyway religious or with moral values and so this was what I did. Again it is only more recently that I have looked back in hindsight at this behaviour and see again how destructive these relationships were on myself and my daughter.

I fell pregnant with my son two weeks after starting another fling. I am not proud to admit this but I am being honest. I ended the fling with this man the day I must have fell pregnant, he had ignored my daughter when she was speaking with him and I just found him odd.

After finding out I was pregnant we stayed together - the relationship actually went on for 6 years but it was never ever a happy one.

I then fell in love with someone for the first time who I had a relationship with for about a year and a half. If I had to put a figure on it I was 100% there and he was 95% there. I found out near the end of the relationship that I did not fit his idea of what his 'soulmate' would look like. This was his block to fully falling for me 100%.

This was devastating to me, but in truth although I am slim and attractive I have never made much effort in making myself attractive. I wear plain clothes and barely any makeup and wear my hair natural. I am a very natural person.

I have since realised from coming here that physical attractiveness is one of the top emotional needs a man may have.

After this revelation from my partner at the time I completely withdrew despite the fact that the love was still there for me, and for him.

Eventually he asked me to marry him and bought me a ring. I said no because my pride was too strong at the time. Now I can look back and see that it would have never have worked anyway because I had no concept of 'love busters' and I just know we would have both made too many withdrawals and it would have likely ended in divorce.

I then went on a very bumpy and deep journey of discovery. I did have a couple of more flings but realised that these were completely unfulfilling compared to how I felt with the man I fell in love with. I decided a couple of years back that I would wait until marriage to have sex and I hoped this would weed out any undesirable men.

So here are my needs right now.

I am still in love with the man I dated 5 years ago. We had some very sporadic contact over the years and recently a bit more where I wrote to him and told him about my feelings. For the first time since we separated he now has a new girlfriend, which he disclosed to me after my revelation.

I can tell from some of the exchange that we have had that his feelings do not go as deep as what we had (with this new girlfriend), and I have told him that he needs to make a choice as I do not want to be a part of having communication with him whilst he is with someone else. I haven't heard from him for over a month now so I am going to accept that he has made his choice even though I can honestly feel his confusion still.

I want to be in a healthy beautiful marriage with someone who is right for me.

After watching the videos on this site (I have also ordered some of the books) I can see why I have found it so hard to move on.

I have some very specific interests and this partner and I were able to deeply converse on this topic as we felt the same amount of passion for this topic. There is a part of me that does not believe I will ever met anyone else who I could have this same connection with. Also he was very affectionate with me when we were together - our sex life was so natural and the chemistry amazing - he also cared for my children and was kind to them. More than anything though it was our shared interest that did it for me - and our conversations.

So I feel lost - I want to move on from this man - the truth is as well that he has given me barely anything for years and so why am I still so hooked?

I feel so dysfunctional at times.

I want to have a happy, successful, intimate, fun, long-term marriage with someone I can fulfill my potential with.

I am not Christian but I feel very connected to Christian values. I am certainly spiritual and I believe in God.

Any insights and help would be so appreciated.

Thanks

Welcome to MB.

Have you read all of these articles?
Choosing the Right One to Marry #1

This also.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Thanks!
I have been reading through the forum all day on and off.
I have purchased the book buyers, renters and freeloaders, and I will check out the links you have posted.

I really want to move on from this guy - I truly believed he was the one and I currently do not believe I will ever feel the same for someone else despite the fact it has been so long since we have even seen each other.

This makes me feel pathetic.

I want to move on and trust that I can create a beautiful functional committed marriage.

Today as I have been reading this site it has really dawned on me how I would have never been able to create this.

I was so ignorant to the ingredients needed to create something functional and I was ignorant to that which destroyed love.

I had no training what-so-ever and I have co-created heartbreak for my beautiful children in the process.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over it all - the mess I have made - and whether I will ever create something great!

Thanks for the links

Just to also say from what I have read so far I would be willing to commit 100% to POJA and PORH.

In the past I have very much been a giver - until that is my taker starts screaming "Do you not get that we are being abused here!" and loudly proclaims her unhappiness. Which seems to greatly offend the men that have been more than happy to take all the gifts I have offered - to live in my home, my body for sex, my money,my care etc

And I willing gave them this because my self esteem was so low.

But I will willing commit to POJA so that I consider my feelings as much as my future partner - I am guessing that the key is to look for someone that can commit the same to POJA.

I have also reached the point where I yearn for complete honesty. I think this is one of my top five needs honesty and openness.

Actually come to think of it - the guy I am talking about was very dishonest at times and did lots of things behind my back that he knew would be very painful for me. He also kept a serious health issue from me throughout our time together. He came clean about it after we separated. I was stunned he could have kept this from me for so long considering how close we became.

The more I think about it right now the more I think I can let go easier.

I yearn for honesty and I want a partner who can be honest with me.

BRF will definitely fix your picker. When you're educated on what you're looking for they will show up.

How are you meeting these guys?

I have met them in different ways -
mainly through a sub-culture I was part of.

I met the last man I dated at the allotment!
We dated on and off for a couple of years but it was more a friendship and I think he was gay - he didn't tell me this as he was desperate for a family and I think he was using me as a cover.

I have been reading buyers renters and freeloaders.

It is totally amazing!

I am really starting to grasp POJA - it is pretty mind-blowing as I can see clearly that I did not practice this at all. Mainly I sacrificed my own happiness for the men I was with - wanting them to be enthusiastically happy but not caring whether I was so much until things got bad enough that I would have outbursts.

I feel so excited that I have found this work presented my Dr Harley.

For a while I have been saying to my friends that I don't feel like I am ready for a relationship and no I know why.

Not only did I not understand the emotional needs I had or my partners had, but I did not understand how love busters worked either.

I was pleasantly surprised too that Dr Harley talks about chemistry - with the lovers, likers, dislikers and haters concept. I have read on other sites that chemistry is not important.

So I have a question - I have met someone who on paper would be perfect for me, but I just do not fancy him, and the chemistry is not right. He is someone I like - to put in a category.

Should we date people we like, or should we only date people we love?

I rarely love the men I meet - it only happens on very rare occasions.

I have had relationships with those I like in the past and they have never worked. Yet if I was to try and date 30 men I love in a year it just would not be possible.

Any clarity would be appreciated.

Thanks

Dr. Harley says to date 30 people so you have a good contrast effect.

How old are your children?

15 and 11.

My 11 year old lives with his Dad right now.

30 people you like?

I honestly barely feel chemistry with men - it is rare.

And is probably why I was so hooked on my ex as the chemistry was insane. I only needed to stand next to him and my body would come alive.

Livy, this is why you need to date around until you find the person who does the best job of meeting your needs. You will have great "chemistry" with that person. Once you find that person, you can evaluate his other traits to determine if he is good marriage material.

Choosing the Right One to Marry #1

I think sometimes we are conditioned to believe that there should be instant fireworks, perhaps this is why your picker is off. I didn't even think much of my 1st child when he was born, it was a love that came after getting to know him. Maybe you are going in a little too strong for the fireworks and need to let a bit more logic follow in these dates.

I don't currently go on dates.
I am opening to this though. I think the hurt I have felt that has accumulated over my adult life has left me burnt and very wary.

With my ex it was classic chemistry as soon as we laid eyes on each other. Which has happened to me on possibly two occasions, and was electric and highly 'seductive'.

In some way it has cursed me a little as when I met new people if I don't get that same experience, which has not happened since, my heart is not in it in the same way.

This new man I have met we are having incredible conversations about all of this stuff,mainly over the phone and we share so many things we value but...can chemistry come after time, or is it just there naturally with certain people...I don't think he would have the courage to ask me on a date as I give out this energy that I am not available in that way right now.

I honestly can not imagine dating 30 people...

Remember that 30 dates can even mean just a coffee and a one hour chat

Chemistry can come after time. There are plenty of people who can say they thought "eh" after meeting their spouse. If you had classic chemistry after laying eyes then perhaps you are confusing lust.

ha ha yes possibly it was lust it was electric - but the chemistry was still there - we still took 6 months to get to know each other before we got together and I have never experienced feelings like it. But there were love busters in our relationships and neither of us knew what elements we needed to create something functional.

He did ask me to marry him, but I said no as there were things that had happened that hurt a great deal, and it was my withdrawal after these incidents that triggered his proposal. After I said no he disappeared, outside of the sporadic contact which increased recently but has now stopped again.

So how would you describe chemistry?

maybe I am mistaking it for lust and that is why I have only felt it a couple of times, I really don't feel physically attracted to many men. I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me. I experienced it more when I was younger but I also had flings with quite a few men who I really was not attracted to physically and it never felt right or worked.

I'm not looking for flings now and have committed to no sex before marriage but surely you need to find your partner physically attractive?

This is where I get confused - when I say physically attractive I mean that the chemistry needs to be there - which is not always about physical attraction for me - but there is something one is just drawn to about the person, even that I don't feel often

It could also mean Pysical attractiveness is one of your top ENs.

When you really understand Dr. Harley's concept of the Love Bank then you'll understand.

Brain hurts before you posted this it just dawned on me that this could be what it is.

I have never considered this before...wow...this is quiet a revelation and also quiet ironic considering!