I am 38 years old, wife is now 39. In 2010 the family that consisted of myself, wife, teenage step-daughter and our daughter of 6 years, went through some very hard times.

These hard times were financial due to losing a small business we had. As the only working individual in the home, I was supporting the entire household with my income. Bills were backing up and we ended up being sued and ultimately had to file bankruptcy.

I chose to accept a second part-time job to make ends meet. Being in this "survival" mode started taking an emotional toll on my wife. I didn't become distant, I was distant because I was working two jobs and was always exhausted; I wasn't able to be there to support her emotional needs. She failed to understand that I was overwhelmed.

She chose to have an affair in mid September of 2010; unfortunately with a sociopath who had a large background in the court system. Not only did she engage in this atrocious affair, she was having multiple sexual related conversations that inferred sexual contact with an 18 year old that my step-daughter had went to high school with.

A lot more ensued during this time that was just plain "crazy" but I won't get into it here. In any case, I went to therapy for a few months while she continued her crazy affair business. Things finally came to a head when the boyfriend assaulted her and left a large bruise on her arm; the affair was over.

As we got back together in November, I found out she was pregnant around Nov 15. My mind started racing and my emotions were back in turmoil. Yes, we started having relations again as early as Nov 1 so there was a distinct possibility that the child was or was not mine.

We are now in 2013, I have a 18 month old son that I love dearly; I see no resemblance at all on my side though. I have so many unanswered questions; my wife has always adamantly stated that she never "did anything" with the 18 year old but I heard through the grapevine recently that this 18 year old (20 now) was afraid that my son may have been his. Nobody wants to tell the truth and my mind won't stop spinning and my emotions are all jacked-up again.

I want to confront her and ask again but I know she will continue to deny this. Does the truth matter to me? Yes. Will it change how I see my son? No. It will change how I see my wife though; if in fact she has been harboring this secret for 3 years now. I can't have a marriage based on deceit, the affair was overall bad but holding onto a lie like this for such a long time is even worse in my eyes. I need closure and only the truth can help with that.

You are very correct in that you won't heal without the truth. This is all information about your life to which you have a right to know. You can find out now or you can find out 30 years from now. But you won't have any peace until you do. I would take this a step further and schedule a polygraph test for her. Two days before the test hand her a list of questions and tell her you are giving her one last chance to come completely clean before the test. Tell her you fully expect her to pass the polygraph test.

I would also set up a DNA test to determine if the child is yours. I would keep this part private just between you and your wife because you don't want the OM finding out if it is his kid.

And lastly, I would expose her affairs. Expose them to your family, close friends and children. I would especially contact the parents of this 20 yr old and let them know what he has done.

The next steps are to affair proof your marriage so your wife can never do this again. That means creating a transparent, integrated lifestyle that would make it impossible for her to carry on the necessary secret second life to conduct an affair.

Adultery is not something that can just be swept under the rug and forgotten. The truth has be known, along with very specific steps towards recovery.

The next time you confront her, have appointments for a DNA test and a polygraph in your hand along with a long list of your questions about her affairs.

Get the truth, then. Arrange a DNA test for your son. You don't need your wife's agreement to do that.

Welcome to MB, and I am sorry to hear of these events.

This is a great point. You might want to do the DNA test FIRST so you can confront her with evidence in hand.

Thanks for all the great advice and support. I will attempt the motherless paternity test and see where things go from there.

I hate this right now, it's not fun, I wish she would just tell me the truth; (I hope) she is probably so shameful of her actions she just wants (me) to forget them.

If the test comes back that I am not the father, I might have a nervous breakdown or heart attack. But I can't continue on living without knowing the truth.

I know it is easy for me to say since I am not in your shoes, but I want to assure you that many men and women can and do thrive in these situations AS LONG AS the wayward spouse is radically honest and uses this program to recover the marriage. The happy marriage has a tendency to heal the wound caused by the indescretion. In your situation, you have ALOT more to deal with than most. You have to deal with adultery, a child, AND 18 months of lies. That is quite a tall order. It can be done if you choose to do so. If you decide not to recover, we will help you with that too.

But you are correct that it is harder to live with a lie than the truth. That is what will eat you up.

Get the truth, then. Arrange a DNA test for your son.

You're going to need the results to prove to your WW what you already suspect and we already know - that HER child is not YOURS!

Seriously, one does not have relations on November 1 and "discover" a resulting pregnancy on November 15. That is pure deceitful-WW-inspired, and trusting-BH-accepted, fantasy.

The actuality is that WW knew she was tapped in late October, and re-opened the honey-pot to you on November 1 to give you plausible acceptability that the fetus (now child) was yours.

So, you are dealing with a betrayal beyond her catting around with felons and adolescents. She lied to as recently as November 1, when you and she were supposedly back together, and November 15 when she revealed her (Surprise!) "good news". Not revealing, and addressing, the entirety of your situation is, as you have discovered through the last eighteen months, a recipe for your ongoing agony and failure.

hi there,
welcome and I'm sorry this is weighing so heavily on you, but the truth will free you and lift the burden on not knowing, I would suggest you get all the info you need and then proceed from that point.....don't have a heart attack stay calm think it through enough stupid moves have been made in your life, think of the consequences first and what really matters the most to you.
I am sure she is ashamed of what she did and the possibilities, she probably doesn't know for sure either, I am sure it must weigh on her too, she is probably afraid of losing you if you knew the whole truth......
stay here listen to the vets don't make any moves without them.....this time get this right.....
control how this goes down......for your son as well as you........and your family
I agree with a poly as well for your own peace of mind if your wife is serious about telling the truth this shouldn't be a problem with her to move forward.....
good luck and remember to stay calm and controlled don't confront without advice on how to move forward.
the truth and working it all out forgiveness will bring you closer and able to work from a truthful place.

Something doesn't quite add up, here...

A June 2013 posting about an "18-month old" son puts the birth in December 2011, which would yield a minimum 13-month gestation from November 2010!

Can you clean up the chronology, BE?

braveeagle,

One other reason to get the DNA test pronto, if the child is not yours then you need to come up with a plan to let the child know or not, and at what age.

If your WW knows that the child is not yours, then every time your WW looks at the child she will be reminded of the affair. I say that because my adoptive Mother knew the truth of my origins and kept it secret until I found out myself when I was in my 30's. She had felt guilty about it on a daily basis for all those years and was genuinely relieved to find out I knew.

The truth will also allow your WW to heal, even more so as she is keeping everything bottled up.

The trickle truthing has to end, and do not allow her to give you bits and bites.

God Bless
Gamma

Child was born early August of 2011, sorry 22 months (almost 23 months) now. I'm used to saying 18 months as that is the clothing size we typically pickup (18-24).

Here you go.
DNA Testing
Polygraph Testing

Quick question, what do the acronyms:

- WW
- FWW
- BW
- WH

Stand for?

WW= wayward wife
FWW - former wayward wife
BW = betrayed wife
BH = betrayed husband
WH = Wayward husband

A= affair
AP= affair partner
OM=other man

Acronyms and all kinds of useful info can be found under "notable posts"

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=67&page=1

Thanks, missed that somehow

It is better to know the truth but it sucks to hear it. Problem is you will be doubting that you even got the whole truth as I do.

You can live another 38 years.

Without getting the truth you will never rest.

Wonderful news, DNA results came back, I am the father!!! So happy!!!!!!!