Short summary

FWH has a PA in 2008, found MB 2009 but didn't start recovery till 2011 but due to prolonged period of WH carrying on working with the OW and numerous false recoveries I fell out of love with FWH.

Recovery has been going ok life is hectic, started a new business after being a stay at home mum for years that made things hard but persevered with MB method and found renewed romantic love for FWH.

There have been NO incidents of broken EP's since true recovery began from either of us.

Today has been a hard recovery day, I am confused as to what I should be doing.
FWH is a decent looking man, tall, good body weight and I find him very attractive.

I have had big weight issues and having 4 kids didn't help the matter so in 2011 I had a Lapband operation to try and work on my weight although FWH never complained about my weight and the OW was severely overweight as well.

Well the operation was a success and I have shed most of my excess weight, I am dressing smarter due to running my business and taking better care of myself in general.

I have had a large weight loss recently as I took up exercising as well and FWH has been seriously depressed for 4 days, I asked him several times what was wrong but he didn't want to talk to me about it. Today I evoked the policy of radical honesty and he finally admitted what he is struggling with, he feels bad about himself because I am loosing weight and taking care of myself, he feels ashamed to walk out in public with me as he feels inferior and that people are looking at him as a freak because he feels ugly and I am looking better. I am just stunned, I don't know what to do. I can't live in obesity so my H can feel good about himself now can I?

When he had his PA last time his reason was that he felt that I was too good for him so he acted out by choosing a truly vile specimen of womanhood to hook up with as he felt she was what he deserved. Now I am panicking he is back to feeling this way again and fearing another A.

I need to add I NEVER EVER EVER said anything or done anything to make him feel this way, I don't have that view of myself and don't walk around thinking I'm all that. I am proud of my wright loss and business but don't go around bragging about it.

What should I be doing? I tell him how attractive I find him and he always slaps down any compliments I give him. Any suggestions would be appreciated please.

You were heavy and he cheated for a reason that may be one of the most moronic I've heard here.

Your thin now and you're still nervous about him cheating.

You're in the wrong forum. Get moved to the SAA forum.

You're not recovered from his affair.

Is admiration one of his top needs? Is he doing things that inspire your admiration? If so, do you express your admiration to him?

As far as having an affair because he felt you were too good for him, that's nonsensical.

NB28,

he feels ashamed to walk out in public with me as he feels inferior and that people are looking at him as a freak because he feels ugly and I am looking better. I am just stunned, I don't know what to do. I can't live in obesity so my H can feel good about himself now can I?

Sometimes it's not you, it's the way other people are attracted to you, and perhaps that they don't seem as attracted to your H, or that he perceives it that way.

I don't think what you H feels is a justification for an affair, but as a genuine feeling I think it's not that uncommon. I had said something similar to my W, I think about 15 or so years ago, and she was shocked as well.

There's a reason that song "creep" keeps getting rerecorded by other artists.

God Bless
Gamma

Do you flirt with your husband?

Mike,

He has kept to his boundaries for 2 years, no opposite sex friendships, his car has GPS tracker and he is always where he says he is etc. Trust me I have been here on MB for 4 years, there is No A going on.

I know that the logical reason for his A is his lack of boundaries, I understand that, he understands that and has kept to his boundaries.

I don't agree with the way he views things but there is no reasoning with him when he's this down and self critical.

Just to clarify just before the Affair i was heavy lost some weight on my own and went back to work for an insurance firm after 5 years of being a stay at home mum he felt intimidated by my weight loss and new gained confidence and how well i was moving up at work, he hooked up with an overweight and stubbly OW. In coaching with Steve he explained he felt inferior, not good enough and self hating lead him to go with the OW.

That's why I am scared of an A because of what he did last time he felt this way.

After the A I was subjected to the common A diet and lost more weight then stalled weight loss wise so had the Lapband and now reaching my optimum weight with about 20lb to go when I started I has about 150lb to shed.

LL,

Yes your right there admiration is one of his top needs, and I genuinely admire him often, he is a good dad to our 4 boys, he helps out with the housework, he is a hard worker, he is good looking and physically fit among many other things, the problem is he cringes when I offer him any kind of admiration.

For example yesterday morning he got out of the shower after his work out I told him I thought he looked really good and commented about his 6 pack, his response was like I just insulted him, he batted away my admiration and made a self deprecating comment.

We previously POJA'd that we both stop doing that (I have been known to do the same thing to him for example if he tells me he likes how anything is looking on me I would reply along the lines of he hasn't had his eyesight tested for a long time maybe he's due for a check up or something humorous similar to that). Now because of the POJA when he says something nice I simply reply with thank you Hun and give him a kiss.

He has had individual counselling, hypnotherapy and coaching all to help him feel better about himself but nothing has worked, he hates the way he looks and who he is but everyone loves him and admires our family, he just can't see that.

Gamma,

It's all in his head, I walk with my head down or looking at shops etc, when I walk with him we always walk holding hands and I feel more confident with him by my side and my attention is on him. I don't even know if anyone is admiring him as I am not paying attention to other people, I'm walking minding my own business.
I have not noticed anyone looking at me or admiring me. I dress modestly and wear flat shoes at work so there is nothing to give off an inviting vibe to others. Only difference now is that I feel better health wise, I have more energy and I am very active.

What did your wife do to make you feel better when you felt this way?
We have a pic in the MB photo thread under the name I used before I changed it to NB28 it was brutally honest , you can see he is a good looking guy.

Yes I flirt in person, I text message flirt and I make advances on him regularly.

Well, it looks like you are doing all that you can be doing to help him to feel alright with how he looks. Are there specific things about his looks he doesn't like or is it general?

I agree with you that you can't be overweight and look unkempt just to keep him feeling superior. I don't think it's really about you, but about him. Dr. Harley said something on the show a while back something about a woman who (I think) had an affair with someone she felt more comfortable with, someone less accomplished than her husband. I don't remember him having a solution to this except for helping self awareness and that this is not a feeling that produces good results if it is the basis of her actions.

Anyway, it appears that what he needs is other people's admiration, most especially for his looks, with, perhaps, your admiration being just one person out of many he would like.

I'd be very interested in what Dr. Harley would say. Would you be willing to write the radio show?

It's an endless list but at the moment he is unhappy with his hands as they are causing him pain and splitting due to eczema but refuses to see our doctor about it, he is upset about his hair because he thinks its too thin (although not balding) and is unmanageable, he hates his body because he can't seem to put on weight and sculpt it although he works out and is clearly showing nice muscle formation he can't see it.



I don't know if it is about me, I hope it's not and he has not complained about anything I have done. I don't think he wants to feel superior I think he wants to feel more equal.

I feel that he is not willing to help himself in that regard though, he wastes time playing computer games and gets obsessed with them, I on the othe hand am heavily involved in anti animal cruelty activism and participate in demonstrations and protest to protect vulnerable animals especially dolphins killed in Japan every year. I get my fulfilment and feel good doing something like that and have a keen interest in the world around us like politics art and different cultures.

H does not have an interest in anything like that and I feel if he did something to help him feel good about himself it would be more effective than obsessing about mindless computer games on his phone but I refrain from nagging him about this and just offer up suggestions when he opens up and talks to me.


He does need other people's (mainly strangers) admiration and that saddens me because I couldn't care less what others thought and seek his admiration above anyone else's.

I need this issue to be sorted because it affects our children, they are wonderful boys but see how their father is and as a result they also lack confidence and are shy. The children were the main reason I decided to stop putting myself down, I want them to be able to grow up liking themselves and be confident so they can achieve what they want in life.

I am not against emailing the show at all, will see what the Harley's think as this is getting me down and making me feel so guilty for taking better care of myself.

Emailed the radio show

NB28,

What did your wife do to make you feel better when you felt this way? We have a pic in the MB photo thread under the name I used before I changed it to NB28 it was brutally honest , you can see he is a good looking guy.

I wrote a more detailed answer but deleted half from my last post of it out of embarrassment, as it it not a topic men like to talk about.

I have to leave now, but I'll respond more tomorrow, but I did have one quick question, did you cheat on your H before you were married while dating or go out with someone else while broken up?

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,
I have had a few unfortunate incidents.

Unfortunately I did have a brief relationship with a boss while I was dating my H. I left the company and broke it off with the boss as soon as I discovered I was pregnant with our first child I married my H 2 months later. I never slept with the boss but we kind of went out on dates and kissed a few times. I didn't tell H about this until two years after we were married, he of course was devastated as he used to drop me off at the bosses house and trusted me completely. There has been full NC with this guy since 2001.

While married I now understand that I had an EA with an ex boyfriend for years without realising it fully as didn't know MB then. The ex would contact me and we would chat online sometimes we talked normally other times I would engage in flirty conversations., H was aware but I didn't find the ex attractive and had no feelings for him a part from enjoying the attention he gave me and often used him as a weapon to make my H gelouse whenever things were stale in the marriage. It was horrible to put him through that and I deeply regret the immaturity and despicable conduct I engaged in at that time. I have been in NC with the ex since 2008.

One of my H friends did try to kiss me at a New Year's Eve party and I told my H
About it immediately and we cut all contact with this man. He is a prolific cheater and has left a trail of abandoned kids and marriages in his path, I have never found this man attractive,

One of my friends husbands overstepped the mark as well and tried to kiss me and he got read the riot act by me, my husband and his wife who I informed immediately when this happened. This Man want on to have several affairs and his wife kicked him out and divorced him eventually, He has since been living as a homeless man in the street for 4 years and no one has contact with him.

I think that's it, I never claimed to be perfect and have done substantial damage to my H but I have been very strict with my boundaries now since 2008 without any incidents so I feel that I have learned from my mistakes and I am doing my best to be a better wife.

A disrespectful judgement?

My interests and activities are worthwhile; yours are not?

To be a better person, be more like me?

Maybe this stated/unstated attitude makes your statements of admiration ring false?

Just a thought.

BV

P.S. An aside - Your husband used to post as emotionally, correct? My husband used to post to him, a few years ago.

It's how I fees not what I say to him. How can I control how I feel?

His hands are raw with eczema, he uses steroid creams on his hands and it has stopped working, his skin splits and weeps. He won't go to see the doctor to be referred to a dermatologist and complains daily about his pain and discomfort. What am I supposed to say or do?. To me this is him not helping himself.

I do believe my interests are worthwhile but fail to see how being obsessed with a computer game on an IPhone can be anything but time wasting for a grown up father and husband. The game is a big LB for me as it takes up all his time, he gets up early to play it and goes to bed late to play it, I am irritated by it and had to POJA it and he failed to adhere to the POJA several times.

I don't want him to be like me I just want him to do something for himself that helps him feel better about himself, when he is playing this game helmets his work load slip, his personal hygiene slip and our marriage slip, none of those things make him feel like a good person.

Yes he was posting under emotionally he also changes his forum name to something else but I don't remember what that new name is as we have separate threads.

Has your H agreed to follow the POJA with you?

If so, then he has agreed "not to do anything without your spouse's enthusiastic approval."

Many wives don't particularly like that their husband's spend a lot of time playing video/computer games. Have you told him that it bothers you when he plays? If he has agreed to follow the POJA, then he would stop playing until you negotiated how to proceed.

It's possibly you might not mind the game-playing as much if you and he enjoyed the 15 hours a week of UA time first.

By nature a POJA requires both parties to agree.

The gaming got out of control because he was sneaking off to play it at all times of the day, he was getting irritable with me and stayed up late/got up early to play and he was lying to me which is a major LB for me.

We discussed the game and POJA'd times he could play it, but several times he continued to sneak off even though he agreed he had a problem with being addicted to the game and it was unhealthy for our marriage and enthusiastically agreed to the POJA. I caught him sneaking a few times and this led to further upset and at one point I demanded he deletes the game however I withdrew that demand as it wasn't in compliance with MB and agreed to give him another chance to adhere to the POJA. He is still playing the game but not around me. He works evenings and drives around a lot and has plenty of time I between jobs in one shift to relax and play.

It's not like he's sitting on the Xbox all day it's just one app game on the I phone that is similar to a Facebook game called mob wars. We occasionally play video games together on the console and have fun with that so it's not like I am against gaming, I am against OBSESSIVE gaming.

UA time wise we have over 15 hours per week and do things like meet each others SF needs and go out for coffee mornings or just take the dogs for a walk and talk.

just to add when he did comply with the POJA and stopped gaming outside the allocated hours he voluntarily came to me and admitted he felt better because he found that he was doing more productive things with his time and could see the game was affecting that. I know it comes access like a DJ when I state that he could be doing things to make him feel better, this is his opinion as well, not just mine.

NB, forgive me if I've missed this, but do you and your H do any physical activity together on a regular basis? I'm talking about a walk around the block after dinner, that kind of thing.

You may want to talk to him about doing so. It's healthy for both of you and is great UA time.